Funny Stuff youth ministry

When press releases attack


(see the full-size version of this image)

In my morning stroll of Google News about teenagers I picked up on this story. On Google News it was just plain text. But when I clicked the link to bookmark it… well, you can imagine my surprise! Clearly, it was a press release sent around in hopes that it’d get published in newspapers or other online sources. Um, I’m thinking they didn’t intend for their keywords to be paired with these ads.

Talk about unintended consequences. Oops.

Here’s a safer link to the same press release.

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A party video for my Windows loving literalists

Shake that.

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Holiday story telling rules

There’s a pretty good chance you’ll be visiting people in the next week or so. This video is totally helpful.

I’ve found that eye brows up and a little head bob lets the storyteller that you have a better story and to kindly shut up. I’ve also noticed that looking at your phone is the universal “Take your time, I have another 45 minutes.

Quickest way to get people to leave you alone so you can watch football?What do you think about the republican primaries?

And if you need to kick off a storytelling fest at your next party. The line, “I bet I have a better baby puke story than you do.” Everyone has one of those stories.

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BREAKING: Santa to Cut Back Production in 2011


For immediate release

NORTH POLE – Citing rising energy costs and increased demands for high tech goods, Santa Claus is forecasting a 13% reduction in the number of gifts distributed to the world’s children on December 25th. The 10 year average gift-per-child (GPC) is 5.2, in 2011 Santa Claus will reduce the average to 4.52.

Santa Claus, Inc. CEO and Chief Delivery Officer Santa Claus reports, “2011 has been one of our most difficult years. Several factors have lead to our decreasing the per gift child forecast to 4.52. (GPC)

In a briefing given via their 4th Quarter shareholder webcast, Mr. Claus outlined the factors which lead to this decision.

  • The price of oil globally has continued to increase costs across the board. While the North Pole complex is able to offset some of these costs with their 2009 initiated solar program during the summer months for toy production and shipping/receiving periods, when winter sets in the plants become fully dependent on diesel generatored power.
  • Grain costs for the reindeers has more than doubled in 2011. To offset this for the 2012 season Santa Claus has a team of elves working on a new formula which will combined traditional grains and Fruit Loops with filler from letters children mail to the North Pole during the Christmas season.
  • Labor prices for the North Pole plant have continued to outpace inflation. With rising health care costs and new concessions for wage increases after October’s “Occupy Santa” protests, overall labor prices have increased 9% while production decreased 18% year-over-year.
  • With newspaper and magazine circulation at an all-time low, Santa Claus’ Wish List and Letters to Santa Claus paper recycling programs have decreased revenue sharply. To offset this loss in revenue, Santa Claus, Inc CFO Mrs. Claus has opened an Etsy shop to sell officially licensed mittens, work gloves, sleigh seat covers, and hats.
  • While the release of the Kindle Fire has helped some, North American children are demanding more highly priced toys under the tree for Christmas. Santa has limited each child to one Apple product. Though Santa Claus, Inc is the single largest purchaser of Apple products globally, the price controls by the Cupertino computer maker have not allowed Santa’s elves to negotiate significant discounts. “It’s really a Wal-Mart thing.” Claus reports. “Apple is afraid that if Bentonville hears we are getting a better price than them they will lose their contract.
  • Significant infrastructure investments have been made exploring an additional toy storage depot in the Southern Hemisphere. Claus reports, “While it makes sense logistically to store some gifts in the South Pole, the South Pole elves are difficult to work with. Frankly, they have sticky fingers– and I don’t mean because they’ve eaten too many candy canes. In the 1980’s we tried a similar endeavor and had to cease operations when we discovered South Pole elves were selling gifts on the black market to China during the summer months.

Despite the reduction in the GPC, Mr. Claus is expecting a Merry Christmas. “We don’t let a high fuel prices, elf labor issues, or Wal-Mart stop us from fully enjoying Christmas.

The early forecast for 2012 GPC is set to increase significantly in 2012. “Ah yes, with 2012 elections in the United States we will see many more adults on the naughty list. And that’s good for American children as we will be able to spend more on children’s toys.” 

Press contact and interview requests:

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Lamborghini + Tree = LamboChristmasTreenini


What do you mean I’m fired? I thought you said, “Put my lamborghini under a Christmas tree?” [face + palm]

What’s your caption? 

ht to Dirk up in Eagle Rock for the picture… it was windy up in LA last night.

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Boogity boogity boogity AMEN

ht to Danny via Facebook

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An Ode to the Pancreas


My buddy Marko is in the hospital with a bout of pancreatitis. He wasn’t feeling well when we went to the Padres game on Tuesday night and was admitted to the hospital Wednesday.

I tried to convince him that the only possible cure would be eating hotdogs, handfuls of peanuts, and drinking over-priced beer. But he wouldn’t take my sound medical advice. He drank water. And look who is in the hospital now?

Dedication: To Marko’s pancreas. May you be less irritated and inflamed in the days to come. I hope for you that you will soon be happily hugged by your friends the gall bladder and small intestine.

An Ode to the Pancreas, the most phallic of internal organs

The Pancreas – A Limerick

Seeing your tail makes me giggle

I can imagine that sometimes you wiggle

To know when inflamed you must be even more round

With giant scopes and crazy cameras, perhaps a lost quarter is found?

But mostly your picture makes me giggle

The Pancreas – A Haiku

 O sad pancreas

Only rhyme with couple things

Like pain in the ***

The Pancreas – A short sonnet

 Let me not delay this decree

Admit impediment, impurities I oft partake

Thou pancreas please, in thou’st head whilst thou forgive me

All of thine yummy treats, I shall now forever forsake

O, no I promise I shall never re-embark

To mock you, my beloved pancreas, for thine striking shape

For thou doth look as male genitalia– I’m forced to remark

Proudly serving other organs, you deserve to wear a cape

The pancreatic juice, while gross, I require

Thine juices flow from duct to duct to Duodenum

Without you in my life I may expire

For these juices are needed, and more than cool denim

To thine own bile I will be true

To thine own bile I will be true

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David’s Secret Weapon

This makes me giggle.

You can vote for this to become a t-shirt at Threadless.

ht to Likecool


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It’s the Dad Life

HT to Jerry

Hi5 to Church on the Move

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Big Willie Medley – A Capella

Two thoughts:

  1. There’s going to be a whole pile of Google inbound links on this title thinking Big Willie was either Willie Nelson or something far more gross to Google.
  2. Ladies, look closely. No wedding ring.

ht to Likecool