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Stardate 73716.6: Nineteenth day of social distancing

Did you ever notice Charles Stanley has a really long index finger? I was thinking about that today. Google it and let me know what you think. Murray had to go to the vet today to get a prescription refilled. He did great. They told me they couldn’t take his temperature because he wouldn’t let them put the thermometer in his butt. They didn’t need to tell me that because I heard him growl at them from the waiting room. I don’t blame you, Murray. Speaking of thermometers, I’m taking my temperature like ten times a day. My thermometer goes in your ear, you count to 5, you press the button, and then for a half second you convince yourself you’ve got COVID-19. Then it turns out you don’t. And then you kind of wish you did have a super mild case just so you could recover and leave the house again. They probably need those kinds of thermometers for dogs. I didn’t read that article in TIME Magazine by NT Wright for several days. The title kind of triggered me. But then I finally did read it and I’m with Tom. We aren’t friends but I hear his friends call him Tom. In my mind we are friends so it’s OK. Tom. Sometimes I think we are just meant to lament and that’s what this strange season is for. I mean, the Aztecs had a real shot at making the Final Four and I was going to take Jackson as a surprise. But now we’ll never know. Mal, Matt, Yanni, Jordan, and KJ are still going to be heroes though. I think “lament” is the Christian word for “sucks.” It laments that March Madness got cancelled. I’m looking forward to tomorrow though. We’re going to have “Church for Youth Workers” again and I don’t think it’s going to lament. 

Current body temperature: 98.3 left ear; 98.4 right ear
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.6 cases (I counted, Tash) 
Number of times I touched my face today: I give up. If I die, I die. 
Supplies: We’re going through a quart of salsa a day. Normal? 
Dollars received from the government: $0 of $3400
Social distancing grade: C+ (Vet and Petco)

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Stardate 73714.2: Eighteenth day of social distancing

Is this a cruel joke? Are you all having fun and living life and just convinced those around me to participate in a grand ruse? A few months ago I had Jackson convinced that he was the star of Jackson TV, a 24/7/365 TV show about his life. Sadly I think both are false. Today I watched a man stand in front of a lectern and on live television try to convince us that he is doing a fine job despite the fact that, if we are lucky, he estimates only twice as many Americans will die in the coming weeks from his mismanagement of COVID-19 than were killed in action during the entire Vietnam War. We are supposed to congratulate him that millions more didn’t also die? I realize that’s not funny, you came here for funny, but we cannot make light of what happened today. In lighter news, the Pingüinos are safe. Everyone in McLandia is healthy and fine. Megan started her classes again, at dinner we had a good laugh about the out of state students who are paying $60,000 a year to attend online classes. Some international students are attending class in the middle of the night in their time zones, hardly what they were envisioning when they cheated on their English proficiency exams to get in. I really love jelly beans. Not as much as coffee but I’m really liking them. Don’t buy the imitation ones, either. Generic ones taste like sugary wax and Jelly Belly’s are just trying to hard. The only real ones are from Brachs. But before you buy them you have to check for freshness by squeezing them. Don’t do this with Peeps, they are always fresh. But for Brachs jelly beans it is essential to make sure they are fresh. I’m enjoying this documentary about Margaret Atwood. Not as much as Kristen is, but she is a fascinating treasure of a woman. I wonder if she thinks Carole Baskins fed her husband to a tiger? I wonder if she liked Tiger King? I wonder what her guilty pleasure is? I hope it’s MMA. Tonight we had BBQ. I wish we had tacos. 

Current body temperature: 98.1
Rolls of toilet paper: Plenty but not too much. 
Number of times I touched my face: Lots
Supplies: We are doing well.
Dollars received from the government: 0 of 3400
Social distancing grade: A-

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Stardate 73708.8: Sixteenth day of social distancing

So let me get this straight. By mid-April the government is sending us all $1200? But today they announced we are supposed to stay locked up in our homes until the end of April? People are going to lose their minds! And I’m here for it. All of it. We’ve gone from watching reality shows on TV to the government turning 327 million Americans into reality show contestants, all broadcast for free on Zoom. In related news, pot shops and gun shops are both considered “essential services”. So they are open here in San Diego County. Did you know that out in El Cajon they’ve got a gun shop that also sells liquor? Right there on Magnolia. Not too far from the leaning tower of froyo on Broadway. Only in El Cajon can you swing by the yogurt shop (cash only) right after you loaded up on guns & liquor. If you do it in reverse order and get your gun and liquor first, the froyo is free! El Cajon is a special, special place. Here in McLandia we had a quiet Sunday. I continued my domestic duties by baking a fine loaf of onion sourdough bread and making curtains for the building in the backyard formerly known as my Tiny Office. I hummed songs from the Sound of Music the whole time because when Julie Andrews grows up she wants to be just like me, just with more freedom of movement. [Think about that one and get back to me. It’s funny.] My fellow Clay Middle School alumni would be proud. Somehow making a pillow case in 7th grade Home Economics prepared me to make curtains 30 years later. My sister-in-law Gwen got Kristen a sewing machine for Christmas probably 20 years ago. Kristen has never once used it but I’ve used it quite a bit. Thanks Gwen! At first I liked Dr. Fauci. But I’m sick of seeing him. I’m kind of sick of hearing news about COVID-19, though I think we’re still going to be talking about it in a few months. If I were Dr. Fauci’s agent I’d be shopping a book by Dr. Fauci for high school graduates called, “Oh, The Places You Can’t Go!” It could be about prom and homecoming and baseball games and everything else fun outside of your home. Sixteen days into this thing and I’m still telling dad jokes. Pray for my children. I’ve also taken up bad dad dancing. It’s good exercise and it serves as a daily reminder to my kids that one day, when shaking hands won’t kill them, I’d like for them to move out of my house so Kristen and I can move to Mexico and start a goat farm overlooking the Pacific ocean. You can laugh all you want but that’s my dream. 

Current body temperature: 97.4
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.2 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: Probably more than Dr. Fauci would like me to.
Supplies: Plenty of delicious stuff
Number of dollars sent to me by the government: 0 of $3400
Social distancing grade: A