Feelings, where are they?
I “do church” for a living. Teaching others about God and helping to bring them into fellowship with God through worship, action, prayer, fasting, etc is what I do every single day. I am one of the few who get paid to do this and I truly love it. Even though I often get asked “what do you do again?” most people realize that it is hard work. What they can’t see tangibly day-to-day they feel and experience through how they are led by the pastors here.

I am here to tell you, ministry is primarily hard work on the soul. What you see on Sunday mornings or at a youth group event isn’t magic… It takes planning, time, physical preparation, and a watchful eye while the services are taking place. Creating an environment conducive for humans worshipping God, humans are by nature curious and defensive creatures, is an art which is very tricky to master.

But at the end of the day, when the worship service has ended and all the people have cleared out from youth group, I am often left feeling nothing during a worship service. There is often so much going on to make the participants free to worship that I miss out. I leave exhausted instead of refreshed. Emptied instead of filled.

Looking back
Most people go into ministry because they have had some level of “success” in the pews. They can worship well and learn from God’s word “good enough” to actually help others see and feel what they are seeing and feeling. I would put pre-ministry self in that category. What God taught me on a daily basis poured out of me because I was full! But, if I had to be honest about our youth group time and even our Sunday AM service… I feel nothing… I feel like I have nothing to give. I am left longing to feel something, anything. Usually at the end of a Wednesday night or Sunday morning I am exhausted… I got to “put on” church but I barely experienced it or benefited from it personally. Our worship service leaves me longing for times when church was simple. I don’t say this to say I am longing to get out of ministry, but simply to acknowledge truth. I need to be recharged just like everyone else and I long to feel connected to God in a corporate way the way it used to be.

Looking at today and beyond
Tonight’s Good Friday service begins something deeply personal for me. I will be fasting from sundown today until breakfast on Sunday morning. Over the past few months of regular fasting I have felt deeply connected to Christ during my times of fasting and prayer. I can see that what is coming out of me is better than it was before. My talks are better and more pure. My life is more stable in the midst of chaos… on and on.

No solutions, just sharing
I am also fighting a strong urge inside of myself to “fix” this problem. There isn’t really anything I am looking to do differently. I can’t just not work on Sunday’s and Wednesday to feel free to worship. It doesn’t work that way. I know that the problems I am experiencing are the result of long-term exhaustion. While I have recognized that I am in desperate need for rest & recuperation I am also fully aware that I have a couple more months until my vacation begins. Rest, not physical in nature, will help free my emotions and allow me to once again feel worship.

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