Warning: This post, while intriguing, is not about something that is happening in my ministry.

The Question
It’s come up again on my favorite youth ministry forum. When we find out that a student is sexually active, what is our responsibility?

A few days ago a student came to her youth pastor and confessed that she had been foolish at a party, gotten drunk, and had sex with a friend from school. She was guilt ridden by it and was seeking help on how she could be forgiven and move on with her life.

It seems that the pastor did a very good job in guiding her back to the Father, giving her good information, and also helping her set up a plan to keep her accountable in the future. (Via a girlfriend.)

So what’s the problem?
The youth pastor came to the forums and asked if he should tell the girls parents about what had happened. It’s a fair question… What about confidentiality? Don’t the parents need to know? If she is forgiven of her sins, isn’t that the end of it?

My opinion is strong on this. Primarily because I have dealt with it before… Once in a bad way and the rest in good ways. I feel that the parents need to know about this right away since it affects something that is a life or death issue. (Yes, sex is life and death!) Since she is a minor and it is an issue of personal safety… I really feel that there is no choice. Mom and dad need to know.

What would I do?
I would do exactly what the youth pastor did… Except I would also STRONGLY urge the young lady to talk to her mom. (Since this was a girl, I would involve my wife who is trained much more on this than I am) Furthermore, I would give the young lady a deadline where she either talked to her parents or I would initiate a talk with them to let them know. If she would like me and Kristen would go with her… But her folks need to know this information right away.

What about…
Some brought up counter arguments that this was breaking a trust with the student. True, if it weren’t an issue of life or death, I wouldn’t break that trust. But it is… And I am under an obligation to let her parents be informed. (If she was not a minor, I would do it very differently!) Also, some were nervous about “forcing her to tell.” Well, there are plenty of times in life where you have to do something you don’t like to do that is better for you in the long run. I would much rather she was uncomfortable for a few days than have an unplanned pregnancy, STD, or even just damaged self-esteem. Sometimes the old wives tale is correct, The Pain is Worth the Gain.

One last point
I think it is good to mention as well in the “What would PA do?” answer that I would let my church leadership know what was going on. In reality, this would mean talking it over with my pastor… what happens between us is strictly confidential… but his input holds a lot of weight. We always need to be on the same page. (Especially if it blows up… as often happens. The SP must know about things like this so he isn’t blindsided by it when it inevitably lands in his lap.)

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