I’ve been noticing this lately. Not a lot, but enough times to being something I’ve noticed. I’ll be at the grocery store or some local restaurant and I’ll see someone who used to go to our church. With our church’s many changes in the last decade and its 166 year history, it’s no wonder that there are a few people in a town of 10,000 who are former members for one reason or another. These are people who I know and consider acquaintances.
And they avoid me.
It’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever encountered, but they avoid me. They see me in the store and they quickly checkout and leave. They dodge down another aisle. They do whatever they can do to avoid what they think will be an awkward conversation.
What’s up with that?
I’ve got a few thoughts as to why this is happening. But I think I can boil it down to two categories of people who have left our church and how they intersect with avoiding me in public. First, these are people whom I’ve misconnected with or otherwise missed in my ministry. Due to the "law of unspoken expectations" they expected me to be something I wasn’t. (Or any staff member, because in people’s minds all staff members really are 1 person) Maybe I wasn’t as serious as they thought I should be. Or maybe they didn’t like the clothes I wear or my personality. Or maybe they were more conservative than me or more liberal or didn’t like the NIV or the car I drive. So, they’ve now left the church and they just want to avoid me because they can’t stand me. Second, these are people who have left the church for their own reasons. Maybe they left because of music or something that happened with a friend at church or didn’t like some leadership decision or indigestion or any other of the myriad of reasons I’ve heard. But they avoid me because of shame that they carry around about their leaving the church. Honestly, there are a lot of people who have sinned in the way they’ve left the church, and they are ashamed.
Here’s the thing. I don’t feel awkward about it at all. I’ve done ministry long enough to know that people come and people go. The days of people attending one church for a lifetime are long gone… there are simply too many options for people and they treat church as a consumable item. Church, in many people’s eyes, is just another choice in the marketplace. That’s not devaluing anyone or any decision, it is just how the landscape of church is today. (Nor am I stating that this is a good thing or a bad thing, merely a statement of what I see.)
As this happened to me last night, I really hurt for that person as they dodged me at the local grocery store. To walk around your town carrying either anger towards a person or shame about a situation is really sad. How can you live with that kind of stress?
At the same time I wonder about the logic of doing this. Because, the only way it’s ever going to get dealt with is if that person sucks it up and deals with it. They should either talk to me about how I’ve hurt them or allow me to express to them my apologies for whatever happened in the past. Otherwise, they are dodging people from the church for the rest of their lives. It’s really an immature response. It’s the same thing Paul does, and he’s 3 years old.
When Paul has done something bad, he hides. Usually we find him behind the couch or under his bed. That’s just how 3 year olds deal with shame. Kristen and I have to walk around the house and find him. When we find him we either have to talk him out of his hiding place or literally tear him from the place his is hiding as he kicks and screams. As a parent, it’s our role to teach him how to deal with it. We’re commanded by God to go there and do that… how else is he supposed to learn?
I struggle with this as I wonder, is it my role to chase people as they avoid me? Should I be running down the aisles of the grocery store after a grown person screaming "I forgive you!" or "Will you forgive me?"
Somehow I don’t think that’s it either.
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