Adam McLane

Student Virginity Pledges

I was listening to a radio program this morning asking people to call in if they were virgins when they got married. Interestingly, they were surprised how many people called in to tell them that they really had been virgins when they got married. The hosts were shocked into saying, "Wow, that’s really admirable."

Statementstruelovewaits
There is a lot being said and written about the late 1990’s and early 2000’s push towards abstinence education. For the most part, these studies are saying that there isn’t much difference between the sexual behavior of students who make the pledges and those who don’t. I’ve heard all kinds of stories both positive and negative, particularly in Christian circles. (After all, imagine the damage that results when a student confuses their acceptance with God and their sexual purity? They assume that if they fail sexually that God doesn’t accept them anymore. That is flat out false! That would be a devastating "unspoken" lesson taught by church’s doing abstinence training.)

Why doesn’t Light Force do a virginity pledge? The simplest reason is that they don’t work. (Controversial statement #1) Why doesn’t Light Force ask parents to talk to their kids about making an abstinence pledge? This doesn’t work either. (Controversial statement #2)

My opinions are less controversial than they may seem at first blush. The reality is that an external pledge isn’t likely to change anything if there isn’t an internal pledge taken with the student. A student has to decide this for themselves. It has to become a value of theirs and not an emotional thing to respond at an event or a promise they make to their parents to please them. Both of those are easily shed in the heat of a moment. As I remind students often, "Sex is stronger and more powerful than you are."

An internal pledge (maybe symbolized by an external pledge, promise, piece of jewelry) is infinitely more valuable than an external promise. I think the primary difference I’ve seen with students who have waited and those who haven’t is something that happens inside of them. They decide and internalize that they are not going to have sex before marriage.

Interestingly, studies show that the difference between pre-marital sexual activity and no pre-marital sexual activity has little to do with a walk with Jesus. Christian teens are roughly "as likely" to engage in pre-marital sex as non-Christians.

Teen Pledges Barely Cut STD Rates
Study Finds that teen virginity pledges are rarely kept
"Virginity Pledges" by Adolescents May Bias Their Reports of Premarital Sex
Follow-up study done for Youth Fest

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5 responses to “Student Virginity Pledges”

  1. Barb Avatar
    Barb

    I do agree with you that ‘Student Virginity Pledges’ do not work. I do think parents need to talk to their children (starting way before they are teens) about the consequences of premarital sex. The cost of premarital sex is damaging on many levels. On an emotional level it includes an intense sense of guilt, shame and regret. Teenagers are faced with lots of choices every single day – whether or not to use drugs and alcohol, whether or not to shop lift, whether or not to gossip, whether or not to do homework, whether or not to have sex, etc. Some of those decisions carry a higher risk than others. When talking to our teens about sex, parents, (church leaders or others) will be more effective if they build a strong relationship with their child (student). It is not enough to have one big sex talk with your children and think your job is done. It’s imperative that you keep talking to them, making sure that you are also listening to them. In the world we live in our children are being saturatrd them with lies, so it is our job to keep teaching them God’s truth. In the end, after you have informed your child, what they do is up to them.

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  2. adam Avatar
    adam

    I think I forgot to include the “why” in talking to parents “doesn’t work.”

    As Barb pointed out, it is important. And starting early is huge as well. But what I mean by “this doesn’t work” is that MOST parents are not willing to talk to their kids about sex on a matter of fact basis. In most households it goes about as far as “this is what I want you to do” and anything beyond that isn’t open for discussion.

    So, as a parent, they would feel good about the fact that their child had committed to abstinence, in a simple kind of way. But when that child begins dating… are both the parent and child willing to talk? Not likely.

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  3. adam Avatar
    adam

    Barb, I also like you direction for us in church leadership. You are right, it’s not good enough to talk to student one time about sex.

    Matt Glover talks about this in an article over on YMX. http://ymexchange.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=199&Itemid=1 (Sorry, linking doesn’t seem to work in comments)

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  4. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    I did the student virginity pledge, but yeah, I internalized it, wrote the ring, and was happy to do so. When I went to college, I wrote my purity ring and a lot of people wanted to know what it meant, so I told them. I got a bunch of strange looks, but people seemed to respect me for my decision. Well, some people called me “The Virgin”, but anyway… I think it’s a choice a student should make for his or herself should he or she so choose. We definitely shouldn’t force it on students, but if they want to wear those rings or put a “True Love Waits” bumper sticker on their car…I salute them. BTW, I have a “True Love Waits” bumper sticker on my car. Man, maybe I should just put a big sticker that says “VIRGIN” instead. I’m big on purity–emotional, spiritual, and physical, but I don’t make people sign pledges. It starts in the heart. Good post, Adam!

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  5. Henry Avatar
    Henry

    I like what adam had to say. I’ve often called “True Love Waits” the Christian equivalent of an Act Up or Queer Nation rally. While they go around chanting “We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!”, we are chanting “We’re here! We don’t do it! Get used to it!” After 12 years of True Love Waits, I sometimes question the organizers motive. Is it to help students keep themselves pure? Or is it to draw media attention? (I.e., the display on the National Mall in 1994, the “through the roof” of the Georgia Dome in ’96, in front of the high school campuses in ’98, or on the Internet.)

    I was at a conference where the speaker talking about True Love Waits challenged youth ministers to teach students God’s truth, and not to teach them to “keep their pants on.” Man, oh man! Were people hot? I would not to have seen the email the person in charge received after that! You would have thought that he challenged the virgin birth of Jesus or His Diety or something.

    The thing is, if we–both parents and the church supporting them–teach God’s truth and how to discern in it in a world full of lies and half-truths, then we would not have to focus so much on certain “taboo” subjects (whether it is premarital sex or witchcraft). The issue isn’t whether or not true love waits; it is how do we know when it is true love.

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