“How can I help families with social media?”

I think this is something that lots and lots of churches are wondering. While culture is ever-morphing and hard to understand– the way people are communicating and integrating technology into their lives is big/obvious and churches feel the need to offer help.

The flip side is that most recognize that they are not experts on social media, much less experts on how social media integrates into adolescent life. And so they either do nothing… which is common. Or they try to provide their congregation access to “experts“… which is rare, but appreciated. (No really, thank you.)

But I want to present to you a plan that is right down the middle and plays into your expertise as a pastor.

How to Help From Your Expertise

As I’m out doing seminars and workshops with people I end up speaking out of two different postures about social media.

1. I’m speaking out of specific, long-term research I’ve done on teenagers and social media.
2. I’m teaching and answering questions using skills learned and refined in my ministry training and life as a pastor.

In other words, half of the skill set that I have, every pastor has.

Lean on Pastoral Counseling

Often times I’m asked about how social media impacts the home relevant to children and teens. And just below the surface of those questions are questions relevant to family life and marriage. It’s pretty normal that a spouse will attend a workshop and then make mention of their spouse being “the one with the problem in our home.” So, as a pastor, I can see that issues in the home might be flowing from a lack of communication about how the device makes his spouse feel or maybe that he’s using the device because of a larger marital issue or even that they aren’t have sex as often as they’d like because they are staring at their phones in bed instead of each other.

You don’t have to be a social media expert to talk about these things, these are pastoral counseling issues that you, as a pastor, really are an expert on. These are things you can deal with in informal counseling in your office or make a referral to a professional counselor.

Social media might be the presenting issue. But often social media is the symptom of something bigger, it’s a family problem with which you can provide counsel.

Social Media as a Window to the Soul

The more I talk and write about social media the more I realize that the behavior itself is a window to a persons soul. In a normal healthy adult situation, social media usage is congruent to their life. They say things and do things with social media they would do in real life. And where there is incongruence, it’s often from a place of dissatisfaction or unhealthiness.

That’s a two-way street, right? If someone is projecting perfection on social media but you know they are a mess, that’s incongruence. Likewise, if they are a mess on social media about their job, but happy-go-lucky at church… you know that incongruence means something.

I share that because, again, you don’t have to be an expert on social media to notice this. If you’re sensitive to knowing your congregants you’ll be able to see that plainly and ask hard, yet obvious, questions. “Tom, how is everything going at work? You seem… I don’t know… grumpy when you post stuff on Facebook at work. Can we get together and talk about that?”

Use Resources to Maintain Baseline Understanding

Let’s say you want to do a seminar about social media for parents at your church, but you can’t afford to bring someone in? Well, if you take my book A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Social Media and reverse engineer it… you’ll see my presentation. Voila! Start there and add/edit it to fit your context.

Subscribe to my blog, iParent.tv, and Common Sense Media and keep those resources in your back pocket as things come up. But don’t feel like you need to become a social media expert in order to help the people in your congregation.

Wrap-up

Don’t get caught up in the trees to miss the forest when it comes to social media usage and helping families within your congregation. Focus on your expertise, lean on it, and allow the natural love a pastor has for her congregation and your expertise in pastoral care to overcome what you do or don’t know about how to use the latest social media app.

And when you need more help, ask me. That’s what I’m here for.

• ‘The Snappening’: Hackers access 200,000 Snapchat accounts — NY Daily News
• Snapchat nude photos, videos reportedly leaked online— CNET
• Links to Photos Said to Be Stolen From Snapchat Users Flood Message Boards – New York Times

Since news of this broke on Friday I’ve received at least 50 texts, emails, and other messages about it.

I’m a little torn. I don’t want to say “I told you so.” More like– “NO!!! I tried to warn people.”

More than 4 million people have read my post, “Why you should delete Snapchat.” The PDF of that post has been downloaded 45,000 times. It’s been taught as an example of a persuasive argument in just about every state in the United States.

But here we are. My efforts weren’t enough.

Somewhere, in the ether of the internet, are 200,000 images posted online without permission. That’s on top of the countless number of Tumblr blogs and other websites dedicated to sharing captured Snaps.

The facts of what I wrote about Snapchat in August 2013 haven’t changed

1. Snapchat is built on a lie that digital images disappear. They don’t. Once you take a picture with your device and send it to another person you’ve given up control of that image. It might get deleted. Once you send it via text, email, or upload it to an app… you lose control.
2. You think you’re anonymous online, but you aren’t. Whether it’s Snapchat or Yik Yak or an online forum, everything you post online points directly back to you. Everything. That happens at the device level with metadata. It happens with your ISP or mobile provider. And it happens with app developers at the server level. The only one who doesn’t know who everyone is on an anonymous app are the actual users. And, as we’re about to learn with the Snapchat leak, facial recognition is a double-edged sword.
3. Snapchat was created as a safe way to sext. In the past year since the January 2013 uproar, Snapchat has done a very good job navigating further and further away from it’s genesis story of a safe sexting app. I’ve acknowledged that publicly. They introduced some new features, they’ve said all the right things in the press, they’ve educated users, and– even for me– they truly have done a good job trying to pivot Snapchat from the salacious history, which indeed fueled the initial popularity, to something better and more mature. But they can’t get away from their history or the subset of users who use the app as a safe way to sext. As Mitt Romney learned in 2012… you can’t “Shake the Etch-a-Sketch” and just tell a new story sometimes. If they were serious about getting rid of the subset of users who sext with the app they would invest a few million dollars to develop a feature that detected nudity and blocked it. (ala facial recognition in Facebook or iPhoto.)
4. The Snapchat leaders seem more interested in blaming others than blaming their app. When they settled with the FCC, it was a misunderstanding and they didn’t own responsibility. When user names and passwords were leaked, it wasn’t their incompetence as developers– it was unscrupulous people wanting access to an unlimited treasure trove of private data. And in this latest leak, it’s not the fact that Snapchat has an open unofficial API that even an untrained developer can crack into within a few minutes then build and release iOS and/or Android apps on the official marketplace— it’s these 3rd parties who are to blame. We all know people like this. Whether it’s entitlement or immaturity or arrogance, they can’t simply admit that their leadership failed, that Snapchat is bigger than they are capable of leading, or that their skills as a developer are not up to snuff. Instead they play the “Hey, I’m just a kid, I make mistakes” card. Snapchat is valued at anywhere from $2 billion to $10 billion. (Though with existing and pending litigation I can’t see it.) Isn’t it time for the leadership at Snapchat to be held responsible? Shouldn’t the board, likely full of VC investors, make a decision to remove the founders and put in place someone capable of finishing the job? Surely, if the eventual goal of Snapchat is to sell it to Google, Apple, Yahoo, Facebook, or whoever wants it– the maximum value of Snapchat will never be achieved with a bumbling leadership team who can’t publicly own failure. Duh.

If anything, what I wrote in August 2013 has been validated time and again. Which only leads me to the same conclusion: Delete the app.

Do not trust an app built like this. And do not trust people like this.

There are white hats and black hats in this world, Snapchat wears a black hat.

Beyond “I Told You So”

Right now, nearly every hour, a story is coming out blaming Snapchat for this leak. And they are 100% to blame. No doubt many will join me in calling the Snapchat board to remove Snapchat’s founders for their incompetence.

But, emotionally, I’m just not interested in “I told you so” any more than I truly care about who is the CEO of an app people should just delete.

Just like there wasn’t anything in it for me when I wrote the original post in August 2013, I am not somehow filled with pride that this has happened and I was right all along. (If you didn’t know, I wrote the post in response to requests from a group of moms at a seminar. I couldn’t answer their question about Snapchat sufficiently on the fly, I told them to watch my blog and I’d write some reasons you should delete it.)

So here’s what I’m feeling about the Snapchat leak:

• I feel terrible for the people who will now pay a penalty for their lack of understanding on how the internet works. Yes, we should hold Snapchat responsible. And I believe that the FBI will hold those who have leaked images of minors will be arrested for distribution of child pornography.
• For those who have had images leaked, I hope they seek and get justice. What was done to them was wrong, it’s against the law, and the perpetrators may have had a good reason (to expose Snapchat’s vulnerability) but that’s not reason enough to violate the law.
• I hope the public learns from this leak. For those who will have images posted, I hope they’ve learned that no matter what is promised, anything shared online is ultimately public. Take solace in knowing you aren’t alone. But make a correction in your behavior, as well, so that it never happens to you again.
• As a Christian, I believe all humans are ultimately fallible. This isn’t about Snapchat– it’s about us. (Ourselves and the people we thought we trusted.) We make mistakes, people we trust betray us, and we all live in a space between blaming ourselves and blaming others for a lot of stuff. (Not just this leak) This is what we do as humans. While we all have good in us, as we’re made in the image of God, we also have evil in us. Last week I wrote about a new research study about teenagers and sexting. In talking about this with some friends I came to this conclusion: 100% of us are susceptible to sexting. The reason many haven’t is that the opportunity hasn’t arisen in our lives. The hormones of sex and the dopamine rewards of our inborn reward system are simply stronger than us. We all need Jesus. We need his strength to resist. We need forgiveness when we mess up. And we need His hope (and the actions of His people) for freeing the world of sexual exploitation. But I don’t see myself any better than those who have leaked images or had images leaked. And neither should you.
• Let’s not forget that the leak is about sexual exploitation and the power of shame in our society. In the coming days it’ll be easy to throw people under the bus and blame them for taking these images. But there’s a big difference between exchanging these images with someone you trust (or are flirting with) and having them published, perhaps with their usernames or real names. Trust me, those affected will feel terrible enough as it is. Let’s not forget that the release of these images is illegal. (Do I even need to say it… DON’T LOOK AT THEM!)
• These aren’t 200,000 images. These are 200,000 people. That’s a lot of hurting people out there. Ugh, my heart hurts.
• I’ve got more work to do. One thing that’s become clear over the past year is that there aren’t a lot of people actually trying to educate teenagers about social media in a useful way. Scaring them doesn’t work. Instead, I’ve found that helping them understand how basic principles of social media play out in the real world as well as creating some common language with the adults in their lives really, really helps. In so many ways– I’m sick of talking about social media. But I also don’t feel like I can stop because the need is so great.

Why Have You Deleted Snapchat?

I’d love to hear from people who have had enough and deleted Snapchat. Now that you aren’t using it, what are you using instead?

With the latest round of social media leaks making waves today, this time impacting Snapchat users, I’m in the odd place of looking like an Old Testament prophet.

I’m not a prophet.

I simply applied long-standing principles of social media to the current wave of ephemeral apps popular today.

And here’s the deal: I love to share those principles of social media with anyone who will listen– teenagers in school, teenagers at church, teenagers in a social club, teachers, parents, youth workers, etc. 

In 2013-2014 I spoke in dozens of classrooms, school assemblies, youth group meetings, parent groups, conference, and even a farm safety day. I’ve spoke to grandparents trying to sort out what their grandchildren are doing on their phones and I’ve spoken to kindergartners about picking games that are fun and safe for them.

If you’d like me to come to talk to your group… let’s chat.

Here’s What I Don’t Do

I’m not a “scared straight” speaker. I don’t find that trying to scare teenagers or parents about all the bad things that can happen with social media affects any change.

Here’s What I Do

But what does help bring change is two-fold.

1. Build understanding
2. Create common language

When adults learn both how social media works and why it’s important to the teenagers in their life with some common language that everyone can use to talk about it… they can bridge the gap to get beyond behavior management and into a conversation about shared values.

It’s much more productive to lead people to a place of “Who are we trying to be as a school, family, church and how does social media impact that?” instead of “Why do you take selfies?”

Got Some Samples?

I’m not systematic about getting recordings of every talk, but I do allow groups to record me… so there are plenty of YouTube and Vimeo links out there.

Here’s a few:

Teaching in Church

Leading a Parent Meeting

Conference Presentation for Youth Workers

How to Book Me

If you’d like to have me out in 2015 (or even late 2014) drop me a note on my contact form. I’m willing to work with your organizations needs, budget, schedule, etc.

I’m often asked: “What’s the big social media thing with teenagers right now?”

That’s a really hard question right now because of a fractured landscape. Unlike in 2010, when Facebook dominated, it’s hard to point to a single application and say it’s the big thing.

The only thing I’d describe as dominant right now is texting. According to Amanda Lenhart of Pew Internet Research 95% of teenagers use the internet regularly, 78% have a cell phone, and 75% of all teens text.

Three Overarching Behavioral Trends

Instead of dominant applications I’d like to point to dominant behavioral trends among teenagers which help us old people understand the behavior more than just get excited about what’s cool.

Here’s three:

1. Teenagers/young adults go where their parents aren’t – In some sense this is a no brainer yet needs to be called out. For the most part teenagers isn’t going to make a social media app their go-to if it’s the same application their (overbearing, over-involved) parents use. Now that Facebook is the #1 network for 35-49 year olds, many teenagers don’t use it as often. Likewise if their parents are on Instagram, they become less interested, if mom is on Twitter, they tend to shy away or have multiple accounts.
2. Teenagers Hide in Plain Sight with Coded language – Dana Boyd’s book, It’s Complicated, does a great job documented how teenagers code language and behavior so that their friends know what they are talking about while adults are kept clueless. I find this especially true on popular social media apps like Twitter & Instagram. Often times an adult will skip right over a post because it doesn’t make sense (or is overly emotive) when in fact it’s a coded message their friends totally understand. (For example: An image with a quote from a song or a meme can communicate meaning beyond the lyrics. Sometimes you’ll see emoji responses from friend or a bunch of likes on a post from friends to show support.)
3. Perceived anonymity is enough – When I talk to teenagers about the reality that there’s no such thing as anonymity online, only perceived anonymity… they really do care and understand that what they do online can be traced back to them. So they fully realize if they post a threat that police or an investigator could find out that they did it. But they also know that perceived anonymity is good enough for most of what they want to do because 99.99% adults in their lives don’t truly care what they do online, as a result perceived anonymity is just as good as real anonymity for what they are doing.

4 Emerging Apps for Teenagers

Preamble: I’m pointing these apps out, specifically, not because I think they are dangerous or adults need to freak out about them. I am mentioning them because I’m seeing/hearing/observing a high amount of teenage activity on them. (Mostly anecdotally, the research tends to trail behind a bit.)

Tinder

Tinder is pretty simple. The app displays images, you swipe to the right if you like the person’s picture and left if you don’t. If the corresponding person also swipe’s right on your picture… the app connects you as a match. It’s basically a slightly more grown up version of Hot or Not.

Tinder is targeted at young adults. But, like is so perfectly demonstrated in the promotional video above, Tinder is attractive to teenagers because it’s promoting the idea that this is how young adults are meeting new people right now. Watch the video with the eyes of a 15 year old… young adults know that this isn’t how life really works, but if you’re 15… that looks/feels grown up and that’s the life I want. (Who doesn’t want to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge with a friend, snapping selfies, then play in Central Park flirtatiously?

Yik Yak

The Yak burst onto the teenage seen in the worst way possible, negative publicity in the mainstream media. Early 2014 saw tons of news articles about bullying and bad behavior on high school campuses. These stories have persisted with more and more high school and college campuses banning the app, which of course just makes it more popular with high school students!

But, as Lora Kolodny reported in the Wall Street Journal, Yik Yak pivoted their approach over the summer. They geofenced their app from every middle and high school in the United States [meaning that you can’t post or view the app while at school] and refocused their efforts on college campuses.

I live very close to San Diego State University, where the “Yik Yak game” is pretty active. I’ve been keeping tabs on campus usage for about a month now and I have to be honest in saying that I see Yik Yak as mostly harmless. It’s college students whining about early classes, talking up their fraternity, and bragging about their drug/sexual exploits.

I’m mentioning this as an emerging app for teenagers because, like Tinder, teenagers have a natural tendency to look up to college students and replicate their behavior. If Yik Yak establishes a foothold on campus it’ll trickle back down to high school students. The big challenge I see for Yik Yak, behaviorally, is “Will it establish it’s own vernacular?” [Like Twitter has done] Right now, that hasn’t happened. I think it can overcome basically being pointless… but only if it establishes a reason why it’s pointless via a vernacular.

Twitch

I should be clear, Twitch isn’t an emerging application for teenagers, it emerged a year ago. But it’s about time it’s recognized as such. What is Twitch? Twitch is a video game streaming service used by gamers.

The premise is simple… login to Twitch and watch your favorite gamer play your favorite game live. (Usually with commentary by the gamer along the way.) In our house, it’s pretty normal for our kids to watch streaming gameplay while they are playing. It’s one of the reasons they don’t watch TV… ever.

Unlike Tinder and Yik Yak I think Twitch is going to move up to high school as younger, more game-addicted, teenagers move up from middle school.

WhatsApp

WhatsApp is one that hasn’t exactly emerged for American teenagers yet, but I’d put it on the watch list because of a couple specific reasons.

1. It’s where parents aren’t. Lots of teenagers use non-text-messaging services because their parents monitor their texts. Whatsapp is like Kik, but better.
2. It’s owned by Facebook. Just this week, Facebook officially closed on a $19 billion deal on Whatsapp. Facebook currently owns a giant repository of more than 1 billion people’s social data. When the largest holder of social data makes their biggest investment in a messaging app, you know messaging is about to become the biggest pivot in Facebook’s history since they dropped “The” from their name nearly 10 years ago.

So while Whatsapp might not be a thing among American teenagers right now, I think we’ll see it emerge as a player in the next 6 months. (Full disclosure: I have a Whatsapp account with exactly zero connections! I’m struggling to get started.)

Wrap-Up

Over the next few months I’ll be presenting to a number of students and parent groups. Between the feedback I get there, the observations I make among teenagers as I travel, and forthcoming research it’ll be interesting to see which of these, if any, can become dominant.

My prediction is that the age of pseudo-anonymity is fading and teenagers will once again flock to a new place, en masse, where everyone somehow has a verified identity. (ala Facebook) And I wouldn’t be surprised to see it be… a reinvented Facebook.