the Reality:
That might look like a cocky title to an entry, but I have been learning more and more that this is true. It has been something that I have gradually gotten used to. It’s not so much that I look at myself as important but that others are saying that I am important to me. I guess, since I know myself and know how unimpressive I am, I am not sure how to deal with this reality… but it seems to be the case.
the Proof:
I’ll cite three examples from the last 72 hours:
- My co-teachers of my ministry are too embarrassed to teach when I am around. They are god teachers, a couple of them even teach for a live, but they have told me that compared to how I teach they feel inadequate.
- I was IMing a student this week and she told me that the things I am teaching her in Bible study and at Light Force are changing her life. The more I tried to pass this off the more it became clear that she was convinced that when I spoke, she had to listen.
- People whom I don’t know or have come to Light Force once are coming back because what I have taught them has helped them. A case in point, this past week we talked about infatuation vs. Love on Wednesday night. I felt it was one of my more inadequate talks of all time… But I have heard that this student not only learned from what I taught, but has since come to realize that her relationship with her boyfriend is more an infatuation than anything else.
my Fleeing ways
In all honesty, my instinct is to run from this calling. Every core of my being screams “PA, you are a mess, who are you to speak truth into someone’s life?” To be honest, I want to run from this. It scares the crap out of me that anyone would look to me to find God. Not because I don’t know the Lord but because I feel inadequate and completely unholy to the belly of my soul.
more Reality
So why don’t I just quit ministry? What keeps me here is two fundamental facts about what I am doing. First, I know that it is not my teaching that people are responding to but the awesome power of the Word of God. Second, I know God wants me here in Romeo doing this work. Why else would I still be here?
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