In the previous couple of weeks I shared a fair amount exhibiting just how small I am and how big my task is. I’m a pretty much overwhelmed by my job. Scratch that, I am consumed by my calling. It’s too big for me and there are lots of times when I am frozen in the reality of my failures more than I can see successes.
I look at what I do as primarily people investment. There are a lot of people in the world who make a lot of money investing in money, investing in organizations, investing in one thing or another. These are great people who are passionate and actually fun to be around. Have you ever been around a CPA who really gets excited about accounting? I have… They make the mundane bowels of numbers sound like the Super Bowl. They are like magnets, when I am around those types of people I can’t help but want to ask them about how they invest in their jobs.
That’s how I feel about what I do. Yes, it is overwhelming. Ministry is the type of thing that will crush you with it’s magnitude and guilt because it should crush you to your knees. I often feel consumed in the realities of my ministry task because I see that it is a God-sized job dictated to a human sized me. That’s right, I often am overcome with guilt. The good part of it is that it drives me to beg God for mercy and wisdom, the bad part is that getting crushed hurts. I know the theology of free will but at the same time I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong when one of my students chooses to walk away from growing in Jesus. I am often left feeling like what I do doesn’t matter and never did matter and never will matter. I’ve said to Kristen several times in the last few months, “Why don’t I just go get a job teaching or something like that?” It’s times like these that you have to rest… That’s right… Rest on your calling. I continue because God has made me do this from the beginning. It’s not just that I like what I do, it’s not just that I am a geek for investing in students, it’s also that God is behind me. The Holy Spirit comforts me. And so I go on.
Of couse, there are times when you get glimpses… like looking behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz… Every so often you get a glimpse of what God is doing. He is doing something right now, I can feel it, I just don’t know 100% what it is. I’ll be sharing more about it when I get it all figured out. Until then… I am waiting.
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