I’m always amazed how little leading most leaders actually do.
If a leader takes someone where they would otherwise not go on their own— the fact is that most people we label as leaders are just people who talk about leading. On a good day they are administrators. On an average day, they are do-nothings with leadership titles. On a bad day, they are busy saying they are leading while they aren’t actually leading.
Nobody cares how you intend to lead.
When you are a leader you are measured by your results, not your intentions.
Go through your own list of your favorite leaders. They all have great actions tied to their words we quote.
Leaders have a responsibility to lead. They need to say the words that move people. They need to prepare people to go somewhere or do something they are afraid of.
Then they need to take their people there.
Call yourself a leader?
No more excuses. No more coulda done this. Or second-guessing woulda done that. We’ve all failed, but dwelling on the shoulda just makes you sound like a loser.
Hey mom & dad. I don't want to be a god. I want you to be in charge.
Children were not always worshipped as the gods of the American family.
In part three of this series, lets examine the effects of the Baby-god myth on parents and teenagers. You can catch-up by reading part one & two.
School vs. Work
In fact, for most of our nations history we didn’t keep track of children very much. We didn’t have things like compulsory public education in every state, or child protection agencies, or children’s hospitals, child psychologists, or even pediatricians.
It wasn’t until the mid-20th century that school became mandatory. And it wasn’t until the unions forced child labor laws through that high school became part of compulsory eduction. Unlike the European system of mandatory compulsory education, our public education system is built on the belief that:
Children under 18, ideally, shouldn’t work at all.
Everyone should go to college.
Everyone, given the proper education, would want to go to college.
Not going to college is somehow a failure of the American dream.
The American dream can only be achieved through education.
The “all kids are meant for college” lie is very popular among educators. (Duh, maybe they have a vested interest?) Whereas, in Europe, students are given the choice to go on a college-prep course of study or a trades-oriented track, in the United States we don’t have such a system. While it exists, de facto, in almost every high school– it’s hardly celebrated.
If children have become our gods, achievement is our offering.
Labor laws amplified youth culture
The Great Depression gave the labor unions the ammunition they needed to finally get child labor laws passed in America. Believe it or not, not everyone was in favor of removing children from the workforce. With kids out of the workforce adolescent culture, as we know it today, took root. When children of the Great Depression and post-World War II baby boom hit their teen years and didn’t head off to work they began to hang out together and a sub-culture exploded.
The need for a college educated workforce
If you think about jobs in America over the past century you can see why culture has dictated the “all kids must go to college” mantra. Technology created the office job. A move from an industrial/agricultural economy to an economy based on white collar jobs (administration) required workers who were more polished and more highly educated. (Of course, many now see this as a trap. The debt required to enter the workforce puts you, fiscally speaking, decades behind a peer who goes into the trades.)
So society created the need for a college-bound student while those same students weren’t allowed to do much in their high school years. (Traditionally, people 14-18 worked!) Those post-puberty & pre-workforce years have really become a holding pattern. Too young to work but too old to be children. These kids, with all sorts of time on their hands, got creative with all that time. (Remember sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll) There wasn’t a massive youth culture prior to this because this age group was traditionally occupied with more adult endeavors. More on that for a different day.
What does this have to do with deifying children?
By the 1980s parents had come through youth culture and were appropriately afraid of it for their own children. In their boredom they smoked enough pot and had enough sex to realize that they probably didn’t benefit themselves in the long run. And with the college-lie now in full effect, and the further lie that if you went to the “right school” you could get ahead in life, parents just started to work backwards. It was a logical pendulum swing to protect kids from the damaging effects of youth culture by sheltering them and keeping them busy.
For Rex to go to the right college, Rex had to do well on the SATs.
For Rex to do well on the SATs, Rex had to go to the right school.
For Rex to fit in at the right school, Rex had to act, dress, and do activities with the right kids.
For Rex to fit in with the right kids, Rex’s parents both have to work, plus figure out how to get him to the right activities.
For Rex to do this, mom and dad were going to have to give every waking minute thinking about Rex and his future. (Or earning the money to afford his future)
Through the 1980s this myth developed, it metastasized in the 1990s, and became parental law in the 2000s.
All kids are not meant for college
I know this is educational heresy but we all know it. Walk on any high school campus and you will see the vast majority of kids who are done with education and are stuck in a holding cell called high school. The college-prep kids segment themselves out while the vast majority ghost walk through the process and are culturally forced to head off to another holding cell– community college or state university.
Those who are going to excel, do. Just as they always have. (Just like those who invented standardized tests intended to identify those kids, not as a tool for choosing the minimum, but to find those who could do the maximum) Those who aren’t going to excel, aren’t. But now that high school graduation is a basic requirement that we all must legally achieve– college has become the new high school. And grad school has become the new undergrad.
Effects on the American family
Deifying Rex has come at a high cost of the American family. With more than 40% of children in America now born to single mothers, single parents are under incredible pressure. Even in more traditional homes, the need to put Rex on a college-bound path leads to all sorts of sacrifices.
If Rex is going to go to Yale, he needs to be in the right pre-school. (Um, really?)
If Rex is going to go to Michigan, he needs to be in football by age four. (Um, really?)
If Rex is going to go to Penn State, we need to live in the right neighborhood because they have good schools. (Um, really?)
Part of Rex getting into Berkeley is being well-rounded, so Rex needs to go to music camp. (Um, really?)
On and on. We never stop preparing our kids for something we don’t know if our kids will even want.
Even crazier, parents have convinced themselves that this is 100% their responsibility. Particularly in Christian circles– parents don’t even trust their own parents to invest in the lives of Rex. Parents are so insanely crazed by worshipping Rex that parents won’t hire a babysitter, won’t go on vacation, and won’t allow their child to socialize or do ANYTHING that won’t further a perceived resume.
In my opinion, today’s parenting norms would be considered a psychosis just a generation ago. Parents are addicted to parenting.
Pressure
Parents feel this pressure. There are men and women in my life who don’t want to get married or have children because they feel the pressure. Just the thought of a marriage which has to perform to this level is not worth it– or at the very least, hard to imagine. Marriages crumble by the thousand under the pressure. Marriages struggle through unnecessary debt under the pressure to provide the “right kind” of lifestyle for their children. Parents, raised in a feminist society that tells them they are equals with men, are now making themselves subservient to their children. These “mommy-managers” are now an entire sub-culture to themselves!
Kids feel this pressure, too.
Have you been to a six-year-olds soccer game? The pressure is ridiculous. Parents don’t want the kids to have fun. They want them to learn skills and score goals. Why? So that they can get good and make it on the travel squad. Then what? Well, if they are good on the travel squad, they will play high school soccer. Then what? If they score a lot of goals in high school, maybe they will earn an athletic scholarship. Then what?
This is the pressure/expectations you hear on the sidelines of six-year old kids soccer games.
Have you ever been in a high school cafeteria? The pressure there is ridiculous. Besides all of the social pressure. Besides the horrible food offerings. There are kids studying. There are kids cramming. And then there are the little Rex’s who have given up. OK, that’s the majority of the kids.
With all the pressure to achieve (coupled by all the freedoms we’ve removed from teenagers over the last 40 years) there is little wonder you see so much deviant behavior. And depression. And drug abuse. And self-injury. And risky sexual behavior.
Teenagers disrespect adult authority, largely, because adults disrespect teenagers right to autonomy. And something within us says that when an adult is disrespected by someone we need to clamp down even tighter– having higher expectations and putting them higher on a pedestal they don’t want to be on.
By deifying our children we have put them on an pedestal they cannot stay on. No one can. We expect too much and we don’t give them enough space to grow.
Little Rex, worshipped since conception, will not become a god because he is not God.
Deifying Rex has trapped him. He is miserable. He is fighting for independence. While he is worshipped and deified he has no power.
We have the whole thing backwards.
Postscript: This New York Times article appeared after I published this piece, but does a good job explaining the ramifications of the myth that you have to go to the right school to get ahead in life. Another Debt Crisis is Brewing, This One in Student Loans
Today Megan, my oldest child, turns nine. To celebrate I thought it would be appropriate to share nine things that are awesome about Megan.
She is beautiful but not in a girly, make-up, gotta have the best of everything kind of way.
She has a crazy fun friendship with her cat, Lovely Gorgeous. She is the only one in the family who can run and grab Lovely at any time. For some reason the cat will even hold still as Megan tries to teach her tricks.
Imagination flows out of every pour of her body. Megan creates elaborate story lines and transforms her bedroom into all sorts of things. Right now her bedroom is a magic wand shop. Complete with homemade wands for $.05, used wands for $.02, and wand repairs for $.01.
Speaking of money, she is crazy entrepreneurial. She is constantly creating ways to create businesses.
She loves origami. Her ability to make the most complex things with paper astounds me.
Like her mom, she is a reader. We have every gadget a kid could want– and yet a trip to the library is the best adventure we can offer.
She is brave. Megan might not be the most outgoing kid on the block, but she is eager to try hard things and to explore. Living near the ocean has really brought this out.
She is nice to her little brother. I don’t know how she does it as Paul does his best to bug her. She will be the first to volunteer for time away from him, but she has found a way to love and include him that I adore.
Her face is hilariously expressive. Her mom is the queen of dirty looks. I am pretty good at making funny faces. But Megan is insanely good at making all sorts of faces and expressions.
Hi! I'm Rex. I'll be running your life the next 25 years. Cool?
This is Rex. He’s the king of kings and the lord of lords for most families.
Like all babies the moment he popped out changed his parents lives forever.
Born shortly before his physical birth are the high expectations for Rex. Not unlike generations past, Rex’s parents have ideals. They’d like to see him grow up to be a lawyer and maybe play some college football. Either way, Rex will get into a prestigious university with a full ride.
Before Rex was born, Rex’s mom (as her license plate proudly declares) was a manager at a health insurance company. But her family is her top priority so now she’s a stay-at-home mom. Her new job is to pour everything into baby Rex. And right from the moment Rex’s mom found out she was pregnant she has done everything right. She has moved from the manager of 15 employees to the manager of Rex’s life.
We all know this story. We all see it every day.
Parents who think their kid is special. Parents who push their kids into activities and “learning opportunities.” Parents whose lives completely revolve around providing the perfect incubator for their kids.
It’s an ivory tower. By the time most of us in youth ministry see Rex, he’s either living up to the expectations, faking it, or the ivory tower has collapsed.
All hell breaks loose when Rex, at 13, already hates football and just doesn’t have the aptitude to be a lawyer. He likes to work on engines. And that’s not going to cut it for parents who want him to go to law school and be the star wide receiver.
The first two years of high school will be painful until his parents finally relent and allow Rex to be who he wants him to be. Begrudgingly.
Reality
Middle-class American ideals have built an ivory tower which simply cannot bear the weight of the cultural expectations for middle-class children.
There are simply too many gods. Everyone cannot be special. Everyone cannot become a millionaire. Everyone cannot earn an athletic or academic scholarship.
But sit in any stands for any level of athletic competition and eavesdrop on parents talking about their kids. All parents have bought the lie that their kid is special.
They aren’t. Most kids are average. That’s why we call it average.
Ignoring Reality
And yet parents set themselves on a failure-bound path and build their identity through the accomplishments of their children.
The Contrast
For Kristen and I, it took leaving middle-class white suburban America and moving into a melting pot city to have our eyes opened to this.
In Romeo, when we attended parent meetings, we were considered young. Really young. Most of the parents of elementary school children were in their late-30s to mid-50s. They drove massive SUVs, lived in big homes, went skiing in Vail and vacationed in Florida, proudly chased their children around from activity to activity, and couldn’t understand why we looked at them weird when they quoted Bon Jovi lyrics or referenced movies from before we were born.
Kristen and I had Megan when we were 24 years old. Having chosen of life of poverty– I mean working at a church— we had what we needed and splurged on some things every once in a while. At school and church we were constantly reminded that we were too young to be parents. Parents of our contemporaries said to us all the time, “You married so young! My daughter just isn’t ready. It must have been so hard.”
Living at home with an over-bearing mom sounds more stressful than getting married at 21. At least to me.
We lived in a nice house, drove a nice car, and had to budget which activities we could afford to put Megan and Paul in. But we made roughly half what other parents in the school made and were passively reminded of it all the time.
Rex, the Golden Calf
Many families in Romeo worshipped their children. It was a little scary. Little Rex went from school, [where mom volunteered 3 times per week) to a math tutor, [He was only in the percentile on math] to soccer practice, [dad’s the travel coach, so lets work on skills] to the house, [gotta do some homework and grab a quick dinner] to hockey practice. [ice time always has kids up late] It wasn’t unusual to see parents do this routine with each child, 4-5 days per week.
Parents were exhausted. Kids were exhausted. Yet no one questioned if all of this craziness really worked.
Kids love it, right?
And the kids were far worse off for it. No time to dream. No imagination allowed. No unorganized play. No time without adult supervision. Even in high school. On and on. Kids were tired and programed to death. And while these children marched through high school achieving a resume-building life, they couldn’t get into great colleges because they lacked the one thing it seemed the big schools valued more than a resume– independence.
Parents were far worse off for it, as well. It put way too much pressure on the marriage to race the kids around all over the place and blow countless thousands of dollar on travel hockey and travel soccer. We’d tell parents about our date nights while watching the kids play soccer and hear things like, “Oh my gosh, you guys go on dates every week? Tom and I haven’t had a date in years.” No wonder Rex was an only child! They spent $20,000 a year on activities but couldn’t afford $50 for a sitter and a date.
What’s up with that?
Rex was the center of their universe.
Simply put, there was no way Rex would live up to their expectations.
By the time they reached our high school group it was clear to see which Rex’s were still garnishing the parents worship and which had been cast off. When little Rex failed to live up to the expectations, Rex was likely to get put on a maintenance budget and largely ignored. (Hence, Romeo is known as a drug town.)
Here in San Diego we feel old when we go to the kids school! When we go to school activities we are clearly a few years older than the majority of parents. (There are a few parents our age.) And the earning power of the working poor is much different than the earning power of suburban middle class. Sure, kids are in activities, but they aren’t worshipped with the same ferocity. Typical kids in our school have a a parent who takes them to school, a grandparent who picks them up and watches them in the afternoon, and sees mom or dad when they get home late in the evening.
There are no Rex’s in our kids school.
The American dream for parents at Darnall in San Diego looks a lot different than the dream at Amanda Moore in Romeo. One dream is achievable/realistic while the other is a statistical impossibility.
This is the lie: A child, put in the “perfect environment,” will succeed at a higher rate than his peers in less-than-perfect environments.
This is the truth: Healthy, happy, well-adjusted children home will increase the likelihood of a happy, healthy, well-adjusted home.
This is the lie: You can incubate a high-achieving child.
This is the truth: Two of the last three Presidents of the United States came from pretty rough family backgrounds. Intrinsic work ethic overcame all other disadvantages.
This is the lie: High activity, camps, travel teams increase your child’s potential of an athletic scholarship.
This is the truth: Few college or professional prospects come out of those camps or travel squads in football, basketball, or baseball. Next level coaches are looking for qualities you can’t control like height, speed, instinct.
This is the lie: A 4.0 in high school will guarantee entrance to a prestigious university.
This is the truth: A well-rounded student will both get into good universities and graduate from good universities.
Hi, I'm Rex. I'll be the king of your life if you let me.
If you are a parent or if you work with parents you are well aware that there’s a lot of idolatry of children going on. In this four-part series I plan on exploring this phenomenon, it’s origins, and its impact on our society and the American family.
How did we get here?
People are waiting longer, much longer, to have their first child. The average age of marriage for a woman has crept past 25. (27+ for males) And it’s not uncommon for people to wait until their mid-30s to begin having children. And when those parents finally pop out a kid– a coronation takes place as the child is crowned king of the parents universe.
It is logical that an older set of parents has had longer to dream about being a parent, more impact of cultural ideals, [movies, television, books, magazines] and more mature in the workforce to have higher wages, more time off, and more flexibility.
Old parents
This is a purely cultural phenomenon. The only reason men and women don’t have children in their late-teen to early-20s is because our society requires it. It’s taboo to marry or have kids young now. (Trust me, I’ve got plenty of friends who married in their early 20s and had kids under 25… they bear the wrath of middle-class culture scorn!)
Biologically, this causes problems. Like it or not, the human body is “ready” in the mid-teen years. In human history this is when women started having children. Interestingly, cultural influence have caused females to enter puberty earlier and earlier. But it’s become increasingly taboo to have sex or conceive children in the teen years. Sexual activity is normative for minors yet culturally we frown on teen moms. Biologically speaking– the body is strongest, the reproductive system is the most ready, on and on. There’s no biological reason for waiting to have a first child until late-20s or the early 30s. In fact, human history is built on young mothers of 14-22. Common sense tells us that when you tell your body “no” to reproduction for 15 years or more, your body just might not want to say “yes” when you are culturally ready. Thus, we’ve seen an increase in physical problems with older mothers.
Culturally, this also causes problems. Middle-class American culture tells a woman she needs to go to college and start a career before “settling down” to be a parent. So men and women marry later and acquire more stuff before marriage. (and debt) By their mid-30s, affluence leads them into the baby worship we see today. The American Dream coaxes parents to believe that each generation has to be exponentially more affluent and educated than the previous generation. The problem is that macro-economics doesn’t work that way. Middle-class parents simply can’t raise children to become more wealthy than they are… there is a statistical glass ceiling to what the economy can bear. Economically speaking, we blame Wall Street for the recent collapse of the housing market when, in fact, the Middle-class bought the American Dream on credit. (Interesting article from Time Magazine, “Older Parents: Good for Kids?“ Written in 1988)
We scornfully look down on young parents. We track the teen pregnancy rate in pitiful, arrogant, ignorance of the fact that in most places on the planet a 16-17 year old mother is normative– and our own grandparents would now be scorned in today’s late-marriage status quo. We’ve put so much pressure on ourselves that our kids will have it better than ourselves that from the time children are in the womb we want to educate them and put them ahead of their peer group. Our culture has created this truism. Young mothers are bad or naughty, older mothers are more prepared and nurturing. But is there evidence that this is true? Doubtful.
The Allure of the American Dream
In my opinion, the root of the baby-god-myth was born in the pursuit of the American dream among Middle-class parents. If little Rex is going to be better than well-off mommy and daddy, we’re going to have to push and shape harder than our parents did.
Sadly, the church joins in
This is a chicken/egg phenomenon as each side would argue the other started it. But any church growth expert knows that if you want to attract parents these days you need an amazing kids program. The hope is that if you can attract Rex and keep him happy, a parent will get hooked into participating in the greater church. This is, indeed, born out of an earnest desire to attract and reach lost people. But the churches desire to reach out to the little Rex’s of the community in hopes of hooking parents has lead to attracting parents and staff who buy into a format of church that idealizes the American dream. A thriving kids program is polished, safe, fun, and good for Rex. It’s bigger and better every year. Even if it isn’t, we strive for that in all we do.
And today’s kids ministry ideals are largely devoid of Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
The church often gives lip service to this truth. But systematically, we are quick to bail on parental responsibility and claim it as our own since Rex’s parents are too busy shuttling him to soccer practice and it’d be too embarrassing to tie anything scripturual as symbols on their hands. Sadly, church is often merely seen as “the holistic part” of Rex’s college resume to parents who are involved “because it’s good for the kids.” And little Rex picks up on this, in full knowledge that his parents gods are him and the stuff they are acquiring. We wonder why kids check out of church? Maybe it’s just the way we’ve raised them?
It would be controversial for the church to stand up to parents and tell them the truth. “You are worshipping your children. You are to put God first, your marriage second, and your children third. Children are subservient to their parents!” No– this is heresy in our culture. We all know, intrinsically, that if we were to proclaim that kind of truth the parents and their money which pays for our nice building and staffs would quickly disappear.
Alas, the church is often sad peddler of the baby-god-myth.
Kristen and I are now 5 months into our experiment. Our goal is to grow or purchase 25% of our food locally in 2010. So far, it’s been a fun experiment! And in the process we’ve found a hobby that the whole family can participate in.
One thing that has been incredibly satisfying is knowing that we aren’t the only family on this journey. I’ve met a number of co-workers, friends, and youth workers who are leading their families on similar experiments.
It’s been super encouraging and satisfying to discover that you don’t have to have a lot of acreage to feed your family. In fact, we’re pretty confident that if we keep improving the soil quality, expand to just a few more planting beds, and a few more seasons of experience under our belts, that we can actually produce much more than 50% of our families produce right here in the city. (Thank God for a landlord who loves gardening!)
Here are two bits of inspiration for Kristen and I. One of which we discovered months ago while the other we only discovered this weekend.
City Farmers Nursery This place is legendary in San Diego. A massive organic nursery in the heart of City Heights (aka, the hood)
Path to Freedom One families attempt to live off the land in the city of Pasadena. Now they are launching a movement the are calling, Urban Homesteading.
Here’s a rundown of what is growing in our garden right now:
Artichokes
Cilantro
Oregano
Coriander
Parsley
Rosemary
Thai basil
Sweet basil
Peppermint
Chocolate Mint
Mr. Stripey tomatoes
Traditional beefsteak tomatoes
Acorn squash
Zucchini
Cucumbers
Sweet corn
Eggplant
Jalapeños
Roma tomatoes
Yellow tomatoes
Strawberry
Spinach
Watermelon
Green beans
Green peppers
Tangerines
Grapefruit
Oranges
Peaches
Plums
Mandarines
Lemons
Sunflowers
Pumpkins
What’s really crazy is that this probably only takes up 20% of our backyard. Here are some things we want to add in the next year:
Chickens!
Herbs in the front yard
2-3 raised beds
Avocado
Triple our worm composting (we have 1 container, need about 3 more to capture all of our food waste)
Some quick facts:
No, this isn’t taking over our lives. If anything, its a major stress reducer.
No, this isn’t expensive. There are some start-up costs with getting drip irrigation, basic tools, and composting equipment. We’ve spent less than $500.
No, we don’t have a rain barrel yet. Shame on us.
Yes, we are spending more money on gardening stuff and our CSA. But that is offset by less money spent at the grocery store. And we’ve already down-graded to the smaller box of our CSA.
Yes, the kids are involved. They love helping! There’s nothing quite like the joy of picking carrots or strawberries with your kids.
Yes, we really can have chickens in the city. Our neighborhood is zoned for up to 25. (No roosters) There are people near us with goats and pigs, too.
Yes, we really are doing all of this on property we rent!
Yes, we do live in the city of San Diego. (Though not a super urban neighborhood.) We live in a quiet neighborhood about half a mile from San Diego State University.
The need in Haiti is still great. Arguably, the tragedy is just beginning as malnutrition and disease creep in as the major NGOs pull out. And they’ve barely scratched the surface on rebuilding!
A few weeks ago I announced that I’ll be headed back to Haiti in July to continue the work our YMATH team started in February.
As of right now, we have about 5 spots still open.
Who is going? I don’t want to post everyones names just yet. But among our group are youth pastors, a senior pastor, a few other church staff roles, and a few church staff are brining some core folks from their churches, of course I’m bringing my spouse as well as a dear friend from our community group. So far, we’re representing California, Ohio, Georgia, Michigan, New York, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky.
If you are interested in going, the time to commit is now! If you’d like to learn more about the trip please leave me a comment or email me at mclanea@gmail.com.
If you are interested in supporting our trip and live in San Diego, we are planning a little fundraiser for the first week of June.
Photo by ElitePete via Flickr (creative commons)
As many people noted, yesterday my site(s) suffered a pretty ugly malware attack. For Mac users this was pretty benign and transparent, but for PC users the site(s) had a weird pop-up thing that tried to redirect you to another site.
My sincere apologies to anyone who may have had problems.
I still have no clue how my sites were hacked or for what purpose. Since tens of thousands of other sites were hacked at the same time it seems as though someone just sought to disrupt and exploit the internet in general instead of specific sites. There is a hypothesis that the sites were infected at the server level, meaning they wouldn’t have attacked me personally, just any site on a shared server.
I maintain my WordPress sites in the recommended way. All of my WordPress sites are running the latest version, 2.9.2. All of my plug-ins are updated. All of my passwords are “strong.” In other words, I’ve done everything possible to prevent something like this from happening.
All that to say, I’m back to normal. (Or as normal as I get) And thanks for your patience.
If you want to read about the nasty bug my sites had, the solution, and the discussion, here are some links:
I’m always amazed how little leading most leaders actually do.
