My Jaw is Tired

It’s been a long week.

The kids went back to school. And while I know I’m supposed to celebrate this with relief that those kids are finally out of my hair, the truth is I’d rather have them home. And the transition from having them home over break to getting back into the routine of shuttling people around causes stress.

My todo list went from 2nd to 4th gear. All of 2013 I convinced myself that I was going through an insane year but was taking December off to rest. In reality, I got 3-4 days off in December total. Other than not traveling it ended up being a regular month.  I’m mad at myself for not taking better care of December and now I have to make it a long stretch of time before I get a real vacation.

Sometimes business stuff eats me from the inside out. I’ve got an internal clock that sometimes goes off. Every minute I spend trying to figure out some tax things or accounting thing or business thing I don’t understand is a minute I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my work. And this week has been full of things that take forever because I don’t understand them and I don’t really trust that I’m getting the best information from people who are trying hard, but aren’t experts. I’ve got to listen to stuff, synthesize it, do my own research, and make decisions on stuff outside of my area of expertise and that’s stressful.

I’m trying to figure out what it all means. It seems like I’ve not had a call or conversation in the past 3 weeks that hasn’t had a question about social media, the Snapchat post, or something related to what happened. Having a post read a few million times has been a blessing and a stress. It’s unreal to think that something I’ve written has helped so many people, particularly young women being victimized. Kind of mind blowing, really. But it’s created a whole new level of something I wasn’t prepared for. (And right when I was supposed to be enjoying a little break from the action…)

I’m about to hit the road. All of the above is compounding the stress of a busy winter and spring travel schedule. I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot more stuff happening. Being away from home creates more work for everyone in our family. And the eight trips I have between now and April might actually turn into 12-13. It’s not a bad thing at all. But it is compounding things. All of those trips require preparation. All of those require getting stuff done before I leave. And all of those trips require me being more productive on the road than I traditionally have been.

Here’s the Thing I’m Learning About Stress (Again)

I’m not in control.

I don’t need to be in control.

I can’t be in control of everything.

I don’t need to have a handle on everything.

I can’t walk around thinking I can  do everything.

I don’t want to try to do everything.

I’m not going make everyone happy.

It’s not my job to make everyone happy.

I don’t even want to make everyone happy.

All I can do is be faithful. All I can do is try my best.

Faithful is the best I can do.

All I can do is act out my values and convictions.

Bad days. Bad moments. That’s all going to happen.

It’s going to happen to me. It’s going to happen because of me.

Faithful is the best I can do.