For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:8-13
There’s a lot of reputation management going on in the church today. Scornful lips espouse warnings about “the appearance of evil” and it’s kissing cousin, “be careful who you associate with.”
When I was in Bible college I remember some of this being taught in our Student Life Guide. These community preferences defined social life at Moody Bible Institute… and for many, set the course of their social life going forward.
You aren’t allowed in bars, because people drink alcohol there.
A male student can’t go to the home of a female adult alone. (And visa versa)
You can’t go see movies, because how will people know you are going to the PG movie when Rated-R movies are being shown?
You can’t work somewhere in which alcohol is sold.
[In fairness, these were community rules. Students willfully chose the school in full knowledge of the rules. No one at MBI said they were Biblical rules– but the message was clear. This is how Christians behave.]
Two problems with reputation management:
Our Lord had a horrible reputation. He hung out with low-life’s like tax collectors and prostitutes.
Jesus didn’t respond too kindly to religious people and their reputation rules.
Ruin your reputation
I love this passage from Paul’s letter to Ephesus. Ephesus was the Las Vegas of its day. A tourist town. It’s a city with a big harbor and lots of sailors. Consequently, it was a city with a whole slew of brothels and a temple to the fertility goddess Diana.
Ephesians knew dark places. And for the most part, the church in Ephesus was filled with people who knew the dark places all too well.
If the church were to re-write verses 8-13 it would go something like this:
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, so don’t go to those places. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed to darkness is overcome by darkness—and everything that is illuminated by darkness dies.
Striking difference, eh?
That’s the difference between having a religious reputation and having a Christ-like reputation!
Paul’s command was simple: Go to dark places. Seek them out. Even the ones from your past. And bring light.
See, going to dark places and seeing “bad things” doesn’t mean that you have to be a part of it. To the contrary, you can find those in darkness and bring the light of new life!
As believers, it’s our job to go to dark places and bring light. A life pleasing to Jesus isn’t concerned about reputation. Often times, it’s ruthlessly ruining your reputation for the purpose of introducing grace, forgiveness, and hope to the darkest places you know.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.
Photo by Boris Drenec via Flickr (Creative Commons)
I didn’t grow up in church. As a result, I am still learning Christianese. You know, the weird language Christians use when talking to each other.
Sanctification = I’m less a jerk today than I was yesterday.
But it’s a blessing = I’m really disappointed by what happened to me, but I’m trying to make the best of it.
That was Spirit-filled = I liked how that made me feel.
I’m pursuing righteousness = My choices have screwed things up, but I’m learning from them and trying to do better.
We go to a Bible-believing church = I go to a Baptist church.
Every subculture has code language. As we get to know a subculture, picking up on the code language is key to being accepted.
It’s mostly harmless. Mostly.
That said, I have an issue with the code word “purity” as we talk to adolescents about human sexuality.
We have a whole batch of code language which I don’t think is helpful.
Purity = Abstinence
We’re going to have a purity weekend = A scared straight weekend, similar to drivers education where we will fill a room with sexualized language, then tell them not to act on it.
We want you to commit to sexual purity = Even though we don’t want to talk about sex, we want you to promise us you won’t have sex until marriage.
You can chose a new purity in Christ = It’s not OK that you’ve had sex, but we’ll accept you anyway.
On and on.
My problem with purity language is three-fold.
Biblically, it’s not true
There is a disconnect between language of purity and our own sinfulness. Outside of Jesus, no person has ever been truly sexually pure, by Jesus’ definition. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) There are a lot more verses in the Bible that emphasize our innate sinfulness. I have a feeling that even Mother Theresa may have had a naughty thought once or twice in her life. Certainly, the Bible is full of stories of sexually impure people doing awesome things for God.
David slept with a woman and got her pregnant. (After watching her bathe from a rooftop!) Then he had her husband killed to cover it up. And yet he is called, “A man after God’s own heart.” Solomon, whom the Bible proclaims as one of the wisest men in history, had sex with hundreds of women. God even chose to create a sexual scandal to bring his Son to earth. The Bible is FULL of impurity when it comes to sex.
Maybe I’m just too Calvinist? But I believe that Jesus is unique in all human history as the only person to truly be pure. So standing in front of a group of teenagers and telling them to chose sexual purity is starting the discussion from a guilt-inducing place and coming from a hypocritical mouth.
Purity isn’t the right word. Biblically. It’s too loaded.
Physiologically, it’s not true
Sex isn’t dirty but pure isn’t quite the right word either. Purity language makes it seem as though sex is something that it isn’t, physiologically.
As we describe sex– bathed in the language of purity— we are setting our students up for disappointment. They already know their bodies aren’t pure. And as they later explore their sexuality with another person purity won’t be a useful word for it.
Statistically, most of the students you are talking to about their sexuality have already experienced some levels of sex. (With another person, alone, or watching it online.) So when you stand in front of them and use language of purity to describe sexuality, they probably think you are crazy.
From a physiological standpoint, purity isn’t the right word.
Developmentally, purity is too symbolic
Adults all know that “sexual purity” is a symbolic term. It’s code language. It’s a way that we’ve come up with to talk about our sexuality in a way we are comfortable with. We justify, even if it isn’t helpful at least we are teaching something.
The problem with using symbolism to talk about sexuality is that the early adolescent mind can’t decode it. You use the term “purity” symbolically; they hear it literally. So you teach on sexuality using language that they don’t understand and seems completely devoid of their own experience. You finish feeling like you’ve really expressed your view and they leave more confused.
Purity is a good word symbolically, but it might not be developmentally appropriate.
Just to be clear
I’ve got no problem teaching students that they should live their sexual life in a way pleasing to God. I’ve long taught my students, “My desire for you is that you will grow up to have happy, healthy, and simple adult relationships.” And I’ve used purity language tons!
I’m only questioning our choice of words. Is purity the most useful word to describe glorifying God with our sexual selves?
For discussion
Do you agree or disagree with my premise that purity isn’t the right word to talk to adolescents about human sexuality?
What would be better words we should use to talk to students about sexual health?
We all know parents are the best people to talk to their kids about sex… so how can we better partner with parents?
This cracked me up. I was never into Myspace the way I am into Facebook. But it goes to show you that one day Facebook will be the ex-girlfriend we lament about.
So, you want to blog? And you’d like to build a following. Great. I’m here to help.
Here’s a quick reality check:
Success has nothing to do with a fancy blog design.
Success has nothing to do with learning the latest SEO tricks.
Success has nothing to do with finding advertisers to fund you.
So save your money. And don’t waste your brain cells.
Success as a blogger is so much simpler than that.
Just start writing. That’s 99% of the battle. Write, write, and write some more.
Success will find you when you are satisfied with who you are and how you write.
Start at the beginning
Chances are, as a reader of my blog, you’ve read something I’ve written and thought… “I could have said that, just better. I am smarter and a better writer than Adam McLane.” And you might be.
So what is the difference between you and I? Experience.
Go ahead and look at a tab on the right sidebar called, Archives. Then drop down all the way to the beginning. Go all the way back to May 2004 and read a few posts. I was horrible. But I was consistent, I was trying, and I was listening. And over time I wrote less about things that were interesting to only me and more about things that might be interesting to both me and you.
2004 was my beginning. Next, skip up to 2006, then 2008, then 2010. You’ll see a progression. I got better. I’d like to think that the progression continues.
If you are starting, just write. It doesn’t even matter what you write. Or if anyone reads it. Just write and write and write. You’ll figure it out.
You don’t have a reputation to protect
The biggest block to most people getting going (and later, to you growing) is a fear of embarrassment. Get over yourself. Stop it. You aren’t famous and you don’t have a reputation to protect. And if you can’t stop worrying about your reputation… write under a pen name and don’t tell anyone you are doing it. All that matters is that you start writing.
I wrote for two years on a blogger account not tied to my name directly. Then for the next two years I wrote on a Typepad blog… I didn’t move to adammclane.com until I’d been at it for a few years. I didn’t have a reputation to protect. But I probably thought I did.
Don’t make an announcement
I think letting people know that you are going to start blogging is the worst thing you can possibly do. Telling people seems to mount pressure. Pressure to perform steals the joy of expressing yourself. And once the joy is gone– you will convince yourself that you don’t have time or that it isn’t a priority.
Just write. Don’t promote. Forget about Twitter or Facebook or anything else. Just write. If it’s good, people will find it.
Measure the right things
I’m 7 years into this. I measure some pretty sophisticated things. If you are just starting out the only thing worth measuring is, “Did I write today?” Get a year into it… then add to that, “What kinds of posts draw comments?” Once you have enough confidence… then worry about things like, “What’s my niche`, who is my audience, and is my blog growing?”
Photo by SearchNet Media via Flickr (Creative Commons)I have a lifelong obsession with golf. It started in 2nd grade when my parents scraped together enough money for a starter set and a series of playing lessons at a local par 3 course. Even though neither of them were serious players– I guess they thought I’d enjoy it. And I did. A lot.
Don’t read that the wrong way.I’m not a country club kid. I’ve never belonged to a course where I got my own locker or had an account on file with the restaurant.
Instead, I grew up playing city-owned munis and family-owned courses. In middle school, my first membership to the local golf course cost my family $50. That also included an annual pool membership, ice rink membership, and anything else the Mishawaka Parks Department charged money for. I didn’t grow up playing with kids named Chip or Trevor. We were more of an Adam, Mike, and Tim kind of crowd. But golf was my obsession. All summer long, every day, I play 27, 36, or 45 holes of golf.
Here’s what I learned about success in golf that translates to life: We don’t have equal access to success
One fact that I love about golf, especially professional golf, is that anyone can become a professional in 7 days. Unlike any other professional sport on the planet I can start on Monday as a nobody and win a million dollars on Sunday. Just about anyone can enter a qualifier. And if you manage to qualify you are in the same tournament as the card carrying professionals on Thursday. And if you make the cut on Saturday, then manage to win on Sunday– they will hand you a big check and a Tour Card for the rest of the season.
Fat chance trying that in baseball, football, or basketball.
But that almost never happens. While there are several PGA Tour members who rose from poor backgrounds to earn their card on Tour I can’t name a single person who is currently on Tour who started as a Monday qualifier and turned a good 7 days into a career.
It can happen, but it is nearly impossible.
Instead, if you look at those who made it, you’ll see that their success is a combination of 3 qualities.
Talent – Talent is the constant. Talent is the difference between learning skills well enough to be pretty good and being a winner. Over the years I’ve played with and coached hundreds of people. But when you walk the course with a person who has a natural talent for the game… it’s amazing. Most amazing is that these players can rarely describe to you the mechanics of what they are doing. They just try stuff and it works.
Ambition/hard work – Talent isn’t enough. I’ve met plenty of talented players. Each high school team of 12-15 young men had 3-4 players with enough talent to take them to the next level. But if they aren’t single-focused enough they won’t advance in the game. An ambitious person never stops practicing. They putt in their living room. Hit wedges in their backyard. Keep a 7-iron and a bag of balls in their trunk to practice between meetings. They play 9-holes before work and chose vacations with great practice facilities.
Environment/resources – This is the X factor. This is the difference between a good local golfer and a professional. They have access to amazing resources. In most cases, their family has invested in them from a very young age. They played in expensive junior tournaments. They have great equipment. They have great coaching. And it results in opportunities to get to even better tournaments, more finely tuned equipment, and the best coaching.
You can be pretty good, above average, with two out of the three. But you’ll never be excellent. There are millions of guys putting their clubs in their trunks right now who have endless talent and ambition but aren’t in the right environment with the right resources to make it to the next level. And this weekend will be full of guys who pull up their Mercedes at a country club, with access to the best environment and resources and absolutely no talent for the game.
I don’t care about golf. What does this have to do with you or me?
We each have something we were created to be amazing at. There is something in our lives that we have talent, ambition, and resources to be the best at.
Identify that thing… no matter how obscure the niche`… and you’ll find the success you know you deserve.
Reminds me of this, captured in a field hospital near the border between Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Rudy was severely injured in the earthquake. But his true spirit was evident.
How I’ve hated ye all of these years. I’ve hated your uniforms. I’ve hated the cult-like dedication adults seem to latch onto you, especially at budget time. I’ve hated how you eat up more volunteers than any other ministry. I’ve hated that parents seem to think their newly adolescent children would rather carry books and earn badges instead of drinking soda, singing songs, and listening to my expertly crafted Bible talks. And I’ve hated your reward-based curriculum. Did I mention I hated your uniforms?
I hated you until you worked for my family.
Awana, I wanna apologize. I was wrong about you. You’ve brought about three good things in my family that I want to tell you about.
Free date night. Let’s be honest. The fact that you have a ton of adults willing to watch my kids for two hours (for free!) on a Wednesday night is amazing. There’s a lot of people trying to tell me that I’m a bad parent because I want to drop my kids off. They have mantras like, “No drop-offs. Stay with your kids.” Do those people actually HAVE KIDS? And do those people know how hard it is to find a good babysitter at a price a brother can afford? I’m just sayin… I get two hours of unrestricted time with Kristen a week. Bam!
Bible smackdown. OK, so this isn’t technically part of your program. But it has become a fun Wednesday night tradition in the McLane household. My kids love to wrestle. And I love to defeat them. Now when we wrestle before Awana starts we use their weekly Awana verse as their way to get out of a pin. I’ll put Paul into a full nelson and to get out of it he goes, “Romans 3:23! For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God!” And I say, “That’s right.” Which is McLane for amen.
Learning to love Jesus one piece of candy at a time. As a lover of the Bible, a lover of theology, and a lover of human behavior… I have to admit that bribing children to memorize Scripture in exchange for candy and badges makes me cringe. After all, grace is free right? A relationship with Jesus costs more than a piece of candy, right? As an adult, I’ve wrestled with my children developing a conditional relationship with God where we exchange rewards for knowledge. But I have to tell you… it works!My kids hate church. But they love candy. If running around playing games, memorizing Bible verses, and wearing a silly costume means they are going to earn three pieces of candy and positively associate a life with Jesus with something yummy, I guess I’m for it. I wanted to hate you but you are so developmentally appropriate for my kids in this stage in life that I can’t.
In closing. I just want to say that I’m thankful for Awana on Wednesday nights. And I’m doubly thankful that it’s not at my church so I’m not getting asked to help.
Group think – the -practice of approaching problems or issues as matters that are best dealt with by consensus of a group rather than by individuals acting independently; conformity.
Translate that to the church.
Autonomy is all the rage in church leadership circles these days. It’s almost heresy to present the concept of getting outside help from another board or body when making decisions. If you read the latest leadership magazines or listen to the speakers at leadership conferences they all pretty much say the same thing: Your leadership team knows best; you have been called to lead locally, do it boldly.
And the result is group think.
I hate to say it, but sometimes instead of acting boldly groups act stupidly.
Too often, locked in a board room and forced to make a decision, a leadership team goes with a BIG IDEA and changes everything.
The result is a pendulum effect.Attendance is down? Let’s find the boring and replace it with the exciting. Let’s get rid of game time and go with meditation circles. Let’s stop passing the offering plate around and force people to text in their donations. Let’s fire the organized youth pastor and hire a relational one.
There is something in our DNA that looks at problems and processes only two solutions…. stay the same or make an extreme change.
And the nature of group think is that you are always going to chose A or B. No one in a room is going to fight for options C, D, E, or F. Because they want the meeting to end.
And in a group, consensus is viewed as good even if it is bad.
Pendulum swing vs. Minor Correction
Let me introduce two concepts to you since you probably sit on some sort of leadership team. Maybe internalizing these things will help your organization end the tennis match of pendulum thinking?
#1 Slow down – I’ve been in these meetings. And I know that at the board level there is a desire to move quickly in order to look decisive. (Or empty the agenda) And I know that those closest to the situations feel the most urgency to make drastic changes. By making the time to study and really understand a problem you will make a much more wise decision. When your board is on the verge of swinging the pendulum, just ask that a decision not be made for 2 more meeting cycles. Give everyone some assignments about the problem. Then agree to talk about it briefly at the next meeting. Then at the third meeting, make a decision.
#2 Side step to the right or left – Chances are that you are largely doing the right things for your organization. And what you are doing today did actually get you to the place you are at today. (In a good way) So rather than killing a program or firing a staff person, take the time to invest in minor corrections as opposed to swinging the pendulum. Consider investing in the staff people that you have. (Way cheaper, kinder, and wiser for the long-term health of your organization.) Or consider visiting other organizations that run a similar program to see what you can learn. And also consider that you probably have the best program, staff, or idea for your context in play and that you might just need to ride out a temporary downward cycle.
Break group think and its pendulums!
One thing I’d like to see if for autonomous bodies (not bad, by definition) getting more comfortable with outside voices. You can be autonomous and still bring in outside voices. Bring in visitors from outside the organization to regular meetings… just for a fresh outside perspective. Once a year do a retreat with another similar board where you spend a weekend working on your problems together. When faced with a big decision, produce a white paper and ask another board for their advice.
O, Awana.How I’ve hated ye all of these years. I’ve hated your uniforms. I’ve hated the cult-like dedication adults seem to latch onto you, especially at budget time. I’ve hated how you eat up more volunteers than any other ministry. I’ve hated that parents seem to think their newly adolescent children would rather carry books and earn badges instead of drinking soda, singing songs, and listening to my expertly crafted Bible talks. And I’ve hated your reward-based curriculum. Did I mention I hated your uniforms?
Allow me to unpack that a little. It’s early. Maybe you haven’t had your coffee?