This Spring, while we were in Haiti, our team bumped into a young American woman who was visiting Haiti to make a very big life decision. She had met a Haitian man in college, fallen in love, and their relationship had progressed to the point where they were contemplating marriage.
Such an incredible time of life.
But this was more than committing to a lifetime of marriage, which is forever enough for most 25 year olds. (And making a covenant is a serious enough thing.) In this case, marrying this Haitian man came with strings attached… he intended to return to Haiti after schooling and take over the orphanage he was raised in.
Forever.
That was the choice the young woman was making. “If I marry this man am I ready to move to Haiti, raise my family here, and be here… forever?”
It’s one of those words that is easy to say but impossible to wrap your head around. When you think to something that’s “forever” it feels too big to comprehend.
Why?
Because it is too big to comprehend.
Seasons of Life
I turn 38 next week. I’m not claiming to have deep wells of infinite wisdom.
But one thing I know for sure is that there aren’t a lot of “forevers.” And things that end up being “forever” aren’t 100% in your control.
- I know way too many people who had “forever” careers that didn’t end up lasting forever.
- We thought we’d live in Romeo “forever” and well… it didn’t work out that way.
- When the economy crashed in 2007/2008 I had endless conversations with families who had no financial security because they thought their paychecks would be… “forever.”
On and on.
When it comes to decisions about where to live, jobs to take, things we do… forever isn’t a helpful word at all.
It’s too big. It’s nebulous. Plus, these are things that are temporal by definition. Some things are intended to be forever: No one gets married thinking it’s temporal, right? You intend for marriage to be forever but there are some variables. Then there are other things that are absolutely forever, like having children or planting bamboo, or getting a tattoo.
Instead of making forever decision about things which might be temporal… I find it helpful to break big decisions into seasons. Instead of thinking about a career move as locking in for a lifetime thing… the reality is that you are really asking yourself, “Can I see myself doing this the next season? The next 5-10 years”
You can certainly enter into a decision “open to forever.” But you can’t really commit to something “forever” because you don’t know what your circumstances will be in 5 years, there are simply too many variables.
Big Decision 101
I don’t know what the young woman in Haiti ultimately decided. But I do know 3 things that I find helpful when making big decisions.
- Don’t go it alone. Get some trusted voices in your life praying, asking questions, and helping you decide.
- Break it down. Big decisions have many inter-related issues and emotions. Do your best to separate the issues and emotions from reality so you can see the thing clearly.
- Don’t trust your gut. Hollywood tells you to follow your heart or go with your gut. Um, don’t do that. Measure your decision against what you know to be true.
And keep it all in the context of where the decision belongs. Temporal, the possibility of forever, or definitely forever.
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