NORTH POLE – In an unprecedented move Santa Claus has sent naughty list notifications to hundreds of thousands of people in the United States. When asked about this change in protocol Mr. Claus said, “Things are pretty wound up in the Lower 48. My team expressed concerned that a lack of deliveries may lead to unintended consequences or even violence, possibly disrupting service to the rest of the globe. We are making these notifications now out of an abundance of caution. Christmas is too important to allow a localized problem to impact delivery while others are expecting Christmas cheer.”
For hundreds of years Mr. Claus has delivered Christmas presents to billions of children without incident. His temporary intrusion into homes is traditionally viewed as traditional and charming. However, with tensions in the United States at near record highs the 500 year old Claus sought to avoid confrontation. “Each year there disappointed people who have made the naughty list, typically adults who have cheated on their taxes or had an affair. We wanted to give them some time to cool off before the Big Delivery on December 25th.”
Mr. Claus did not release the names of anyone on the naughty list. When pressed he replied, “Just look around on Facebook.”
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