Today was full of smiles and tears. My day started off with a conference call that brought huge smiles; my day ended with tears when the Governor issued a stay at home order. For real bro? Your wife doesn’t even believe in vaccines and you’re putting us on lockdown? In our house we are each dancing with hope and despair as recklessly as Spring Breakers in Miami Beach. For real. Send those morons back to the Big Brother set where they belong. Let’s admit that this social distancing thing is a freaking emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I find myself both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time and same sentence. Of course, I’ve lost track of time so maybe there’s enough time between them for it not to be weird? But time is weird right now. At one point I thought it was Monday and another time I thought it was Saturday. Turns out it’s Thursday. Thanks Siri. Right after the Governor told us to stay home our lone daycare dog went home. Three weeks ago we were turning away dogs left and right. Now? Kristen’s dog sitting business has gone dark. We love our regular dogs and their owners more than we love the money Kristen earns from watching them. So it the separation really hurts if I’m totally honest. Shortly after Shanti went home I took the big kids to Vons for one last hurrah in public before the Gavin Shutdown began. We bought mostly calories. Junk food like chocolate, 1 packet of tortillas, 1 loaf of bread, and 3 kinds of Oreos. Because my kids have been blessed with my dark sense of humor, they bought a Get Well Card for the first McLane Family member to get COVID-19. It says, “Breathe in. Breathe Out. Breathe Easy.” and the inside says “You’re strong enough to make it through this.” And that, boys and girls, is how the McLane’s roll. The first person to get it with a box of Pinguinos, to open the champagne, and gets the get well card. The second one to get it? They get COVID-19 and that’s it.
Current body temperature: 98.0
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.75 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: 700 times in line at Vons.
Supplies: We bought secret chocolate Pinguinos.
Social distancing grade: B