No one ate the pinguinos today so it’s a good day in McLandia. Today marks a week since we started social distancing and it feels much longer than that. I just want to shake hands again. It’s hard to believe that a week ago I picked up Jackson from school and joked with his teacher, “See you in August.” I’m a prophet now, I guess. Today I heard that men are twice as likely to die from COVID-19 as women. So that’s cool. As someone who has worked from home the last 9 years, if I’m honest, daily life isn’t all that different. I’m actually quite a bit busier than normal. But like a normal Friday, I got an itch to be social and go out for lunch. That never happened but we did notice that people were super friendly when we walked the dogs. It’s like we’ve reversed roles on dog walks, if one human sees another we are like HI, A HUMAN! HI! HI! HI! In other news, we ordered delivery for dinner tonight and both places we ordered from had a delivery option where the person just left the food at the door and texted you to let you know it was there. It only got awkward when I needed to give one guy a cash tip. He didn’t know what to do. So I just left it there and went to wash my hands. I didn’t touch him though I wanted to give him a hug. I just washed my hands because that’s what I do when I feel awkward now. Murray, the family dog, when he feels awkward, licks himself where his testicles used to be. Let’s just be thankful I only wash my hands, OK? In other news, I’m simultaneously paying attention to the news and really feeling anxious about watching the news because I know just about everything about this virus I could possibly need to know and Anderson Cooper’s now working from home and I feel like our relationship is headed somewhere unhealthy. Let me save you the next 7 days of the news. It’s a pandemic, everyone is gonna get it. You are probably going to get it. So am I. Kristen and I are increasingly convinced we’ve already had it as Jackson’s entire school got sick with something that was kinda like the flu but wasn’t the flu. But hey, let’s stay home a few weeks, ruin everyone’s retirement account and small business, and probably get it anyway. Also, can we talk about how many people go on cruises? I had no idea until they became incubators for this virus. Cruises let you say you went cool places without actually going there. So I guess that’s a benefit. It’s the weekend. I have no idea what that means or why I need to know. Who cares if it’s Friday or Tuesday or Sunday anymore? We can’t leave our house, so like Jackson’s teacher told Kristen today, “You can decide when it’s Spring Break.” It’s going to be Spring Break for a couple months, I think. One last thing. Why did Sean Spicer from Season 1 get to ask the President a question during the press conference today? Is he still on payroll? Does he just hang out in the back of the room with Sarah Sanders and CJ Craig telling jokes and the President accidentally called on the peanut gallery? I really need to know. And can we get the Mooch back from Season 2? He was my favorite so far.
Current body temperature: 98.3
Rolls of toilet paper: Classified. We have enough but not too much.
Number of times I touched my face today: 42
Supplies: I opened the black beans today. No idea what I’m going to do with them, but the bag has been opened.
Social distancing grade: A