Tag: creative writing

  • BREAKING: Santa to Cut Back Production in 2011

    PRESS RELEASE

    For immediate release

    NORTH POLE – Citing rising energy costs and increased demands for high tech goods, Santa Claus is forecasting a 13% reduction in the number of gifts distributed to the world’s children on December 25th. The 10 year average gift-per-child (GPC) is 5.2, in 2011 Santa Claus will reduce the average to 4.52.

    Santa Claus, Inc. CEO and Chief Delivery Officer Santa Claus reports, “2011 has been one of our most difficult years. Several factors have lead to our decreasing the per gift child forecast to 4.52. (GPC)”

    In a briefing given via their 4th Quarter shareholder webcast, Mr. Claus outlined the factors which lead to this decision.

    • The price of oil globally has continued to increase costs across the board. While the North Pole complex is able to offset some of these costs with their 2009 initiated solar program during the summer months for toy production and shipping/receiving periods, when winter sets in the plants become fully dependent on diesel generatored power.
    • Grain costs for the reindeers has more than doubled in 2011. To offset this for the 2012 season Santa Claus has a team of elves working on a new formula which will combined traditional grains and Fruit Loops with filler from letters children mail to the North Pole during the Christmas season.
    • Labor prices for the North Pole plant have continued to outpace inflation. With rising health care costs and new concessions for wage increases after October’s “Occupy Santa” protests, overall labor prices have increased 9% while production decreased 18% year-over-year.
    • With newspaper and magazine circulation at an all-time low, Santa Claus’ Wish List and Letters to Santa Claus paper recycling programs have decreased revenue sharply. To offset this loss in revenue, Santa Claus, Inc CFO Mrs. Claus has opened an Etsy shop to sell officially licensed mittens, work gloves, sleigh seat covers, and hats.
    • While the release of the Kindle Fire has helped some, North American children are demanding more highly priced toys under the tree for Christmas. Santa has limited each child to one Apple product. Though Santa Claus, Inc is the single largest purchaser of Apple products globally, the price controls by the Cupertino computer maker have not allowed Santa’s elves to negotiate significant discounts. “It’s really a Wal-Mart thing.” Claus reports. “Apple is afraid that if Bentonville hears we are getting a better price than them they will lose their contract.“
    • Significant infrastructure investments have been made exploring an additional toy storage depot in the Southern Hemisphere. Claus reports, “While it makes sense logistically to store some gifts in the South Pole, the South Pole elves are difficult to work with. Frankly, they have sticky fingers– and I don’t mean because they’ve eaten too many candy canes. In the 1980’s we tried a similar endeavor and had to cease operations when we discovered South Pole elves were selling gifts on the black market to China during the summer months.“

    Despite the reduction in the GPC, Mr. Claus is expecting a Merry Christmas. “We don’t let a high fuel prices, elf labor issues, or Wal-Mart stop us from fully enjoying Christmas.”

    The early forecast for 2012 GPC is set to increase significantly in 2012. “Ah yes, with 2012 elections in the United States we will see many more adults on the naughty list. And that’s good for American children as we will be able to spend more on children’s toys.” 

    Press contact and interview requests: press@northpole.org

  • To Kill a Mockingbird

    Photo by TexasEagle via Flickr (Creative Commons)

    Our house has a mockingbird problem. I want to kill this mockingbird.

    Harper Lee may have already written this book. But let me tell you that a lobotomy will never do. It is not severe enough.

    The only acceptable punishment for being a mockingbird is death.

    See, the mockingbird who calls our yard home, is a party animal.

    This dude likes to start his singing at about midnight and rock that party until the break of dawn.

    And his party is loud. Like 100+ decibels loud. So loud it will wake you up from a dead slumber and keep you awake for hours, thinking of all the ways you could kill him.

    • A dart would be fun. Not a pretty one, either. Like a dart which a child played with in the 1950s and I would buy from a garage sale. Dull and rusty would do the trick.
    • Since our mockingbird hangs out at the top of the tree, I’ve actually plotted tossing our cat up there. She would certainly kill him. But would need a surprise attack. Like a catapult. Or trebuchet. I would take great pleasure in both the flinging of our cat gently onto his roost… and watching her kill this loud monster.
    • Like the Lorax, I have thought that I could rid myself of this problem by cutting down anything taller than 2 feet.
    • Craigslist. Surely, if I put an ad on Craigslist, someone will have a female making noise in their yard. Forget eHarmony, she’s a perfect fit.
    • I’m looking for a mockingbird recipe. Now I know why all of the recipes for Mockingbirds also involve the word “tequila.” If you have one in your backyard the only way to sleep is to drink oneself blind and pull your sombrero over your head.
    • Perhaps this is a business idea? I could buy an island. Then hire a band of bird wranglers, led by Jack Colton from Romancing the Stone, who would rid our nation of these noisy pests for a fee. We would release them on the island to sing and mate to their hearts content. I could probably even sell the idea to Animal Planet for a reality show. Mockingbird Island: From Pest to Profit.

    Moving is not an option. This bird would merely follow us. It’s there to mock us. We lay in bed at night searching our souls. We wonder, what have we done to deserve the mockingbirds presence?

    The bird, and its incessant intolerable noise, must die.