Top Menu

Where are all the Christian single men?

I was starting to wonder if this was just a Romeo phenomenon. But here’s the deal. For every eligible single Christian man I meet there seem to be 20 eligible women.

Seriously, Kristen and I talk about this all the time. In Romeo, our church had two bucket loads of intelligent, attractive, active, spiritual, employed, never imprisoned, not desperate, and eligible single women. We would scratch our heads and wonder… what’s going on here? Where are all the dudes? It would seem like a church with that many single women would attract single men but it never seemed to work that way.

Then we moved to San Diego to discover the same thing! Here’s where I’m going with this. Is it that there are no single men? Or is it that there are single boys who are the age of men? I think the latter.

Equal numerically

Having been in youth ministry for a while I can honestly say that it was never disproportionately female in high school. There were always, roughly, the same number of guys as girls. So I know there are Christian men out there.

And I know that in a church environment, especially a small church environment, men and women who grew up going to the same church look at one another more as siblings than as dateabl. I get that.

But seriously, where do all of the guys go when they hit 20?

Put Down the XBox Controller

This just hit me today. It’s not that there are significantly more Christian single women looking for love. It’s that the guys aren’t looking for love. Think about it… they are there on Sunday mornings… they just aren’t interested in love.

Here’s my observation, correct me if I’m wrong: A woman is typically looking for a man who will care about her, put her high on the priority list of his life, work hard to buy her nice things, and love to spend time with her. The men I know in that 20-25 year old category… that’s a great description for their video game system. They care about that, the work to buy nice toys, they put game time high on their priority list, and they love to spend time on XBox Live. For some reason guys miss the whole dating things because they long for a life of playing video games and not working… let me tell you guys, this is not a good singles ad.

SWM addicted to Madden 2009, unemployed and hoping to keep it that way. I shower weekly when my mom reminds me. Looking for knockout super model who loves Jesus and will pay my bills so I can be a pro at Halo 3.

So here’s a little unsolicited advice to the single men in my life. Pack away the controller. Get a job. Sleep at night. Build your relationship with Jesus. Start thinking about things that aren’t connected to a controller. And you’ll be like super hot to the single women at your church.

What’s the reward? Well, unlike video games a woman provides lifelong companionship, fulfillment, someone to hold your hand at movies, deep friendship, completeness… and if you are man enough to marry a woman… there are other benefits as well. I’ll let you read Song of Solomon to figure that out.

, , , ,

34 Responses to Where are all the Christian single men?

  1. AdamR August 28, 2008 at 10:54 am #

    Nice observation. It brought on a chuckle. Not sure ALL single men can be lumped into that description, but many could, certainly.
    Do older Men of Christ in the church host Bible Studies or Accountability Groups to further coach and lead these young adult men after they leave the awesomeness of Youth Ministry?
    As a guy, I can tell you from experience, men are SLOW LEARNERS and need to be shown the Godly way to live over and over. My experience is that after Youth Group and High School ends, most guys fall away from church for many reasons. Females tend to stay involved with ministry and relationships that have been built with older ladies in the church. Maybe it is an independence issue with guys. “I can do it alone.” I think the challenge may be for other Disciples of Christ to help these guys maintain and grow their relationship with Christ. Again, we’re slow learners.
    Good thoughts, Adam.

  2. Andrea August 28, 2008 at 12:31 pm #

    Amen. ha ha.

  3. Uncle Dave August 28, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    I would like to say that from my experience I have found the opposite in Ireland. From the churches that I have been involved in, it has been the women that disappear after high school, the guys tend to stay loyal to the cause. I wonder is this because of our history in regards to the church?
    So yeah in good old Norn Iron, there are plenty of Christian men in churches but a distinct lack of females.

    This explains why I am single. lol

    I have also found with some females within the NI church, that they like to keep a finger in every pie, and want to keep their church life along with their wild college life.

  4. Andrea August 28, 2008 at 3:21 pm #

    So the solution is: all eligible, Jesus-loving females should move to Northern Ireland! Hurrah! Let’s do it!

  5. Sara August 28, 2008 at 5:50 pm #

    maybe we should start dressing like xbox controllers? :)

  6. Benjamin August 28, 2008 at 5:58 pm #

    Well, I’m 24, love playing on the computer (over 20 hours a week normally), have a job, and married too… it’s just a hobby, just as my wife has hobbies. I just love my wife more than my hobbies.

    Also I find it strange you say there are as many Christian men as women. I would definitely say there are more women, maybe 60/40.

  7. adam mclane August 28, 2008 at 6:29 pm #

    Of course, I love hyperbole… so there is that in this post.

    Sara- great advice. Let me know how it works out dressing like an xbox controller. Just be careful as guys tend to get grabby with them.

  8. Dawn August 28, 2008 at 7:32 pm #

    Amen- Preach it brother!
    I totally agree with, “Build your life with Jesus!” Guys, we don’t care how cool you are – we just want to see your heart set right.

  9. Dave Tucker August 29, 2008 at 12:54 pm #

    About the equality of numbers. A few years ago I read that there are about 5,000,000 more marriagable females than males in the U.S. It might be fun to check out the stats on birth ratios.

  10. Dave Tucker August 29, 2008 at 12:56 pm #

    Re my last comment. They don’t start out that way. According to the infoplease web site, in 2003 there were 1034 live male births per 1000 live female births in the U.S. I guess that takes you back to the original question, “where are the Christian men?”

  11. Andrea August 29, 2008 at 7:39 pm #

    maybe they’re all getting martyred?

  12. michelle August 30, 2008 at 11:18 am #

    Hey Adam, how do we get our husbands to put down the controllers? Mine managed to commit, is a great husband, but is seriously in love with his PS3.

  13. adam mclane August 30, 2008 at 11:27 am #

    That’s totally true. And by way of confession… for a serious amount of time Kristen was a PS2 widow. But I think I play 1-2 hours of video games per month max now… so I’m not he perfect example.

    Couple thoughts I guess…

    a. I like to play games with Kristen. We have competitions with the Wii from time to time. Playing with a friend is always more fun than playing by yourself.

    b. Guys are stupid. See Sara’s comment about wearing controllers. :)

    c. In my own experience, video games get turned on when I’m bored. It’s something to do when there is nothing else going on. For Kristen and I it helps to have a regular date night, maybe that would help with you too?

    I know a lot of guys just like to veg out. I know I do, and video games are serious veg time. I think just coming up with a plan is half the battle. Like “honey, can we just make Saturday’s your video game day?” By having a whole day you can do that.. it frees up a lot more time the other days instead of trying to sneak in game time.

    I think the video game issue in a marriage is a whole different ballgame compared to 22 year old men chilling in their mom’s house, playing WoW all night.

  14. Ron Martella May 11, 2009 at 4:16 am #

    Hey, are there any Christian single guys out there who are okay with being single?

  15. adam mclane May 11, 2009 at 6:19 am #

    @ron- I think there are plenty. The point of this post is simply asking… Where the heck are all the single Christian men?

  16. Ron Martella May 11, 2009 at 10:27 am #

    Hi Adam ~ That’s a GREAT question. I don’t get onto the internet very often yet, so I’m new to all this. What is an RSS feed??
    AND:
    When we find out where “we” all are, what then?

  17. chris January 31, 2010 at 11:11 am #

    i hope you all have a good sunday :-) i am at work and just wanted to write a quick note and say, ‘hello’ from anchorage ak :-)

    take care,
    chris

  18. LaDawn March 18, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    Preach it! This was awesome…..Also, to the single ladies .. as the Men put down the X-Box our expectations of a guy cannot be Brad Pitt looks and compassionate like Noah from the Notebook. It would be great if that combo comes but a movie can not be our measuring stick for a mate.

  19. Eve May 14, 2010 at 11:20 pm #

    We have the same problem here in Canada. The churches are always full of single women and the only women that have recently been married have found their men outside of church. They tend to learn the hard way when they find out that he really had no interest in God.

    I think I might have to go visit Ireland on a holiday!

    • Dominic September 29, 2013 at 4:09 am #

      I find that I disagree. Perhaps it’s because I’ve only ever been in close knit parish’s but in my experience most guys don’t have a chance because they’ve known the girls all their lives, so the girls dimply don’t have even a remote interest in them, or, as is very often the case, they just get friend zoned right off the bat. Girls might complain about finding it hard to get Christian guys, but even guts who love Christ and actively pursue their faith like my friends and I, have a very hard time netting new Christian girls. The ones we already know regard us more as brothers then anything else. So to those girls looking for Christian guys pursuing their faith, you may not have to look very far at all. All you need to do is stop friend zoning the great guys you already know and you’ll be set ! :)

      • Simone January 15, 2014 at 5:08 am #

        maybe they treat you as a brother because you treat them as sisters! Try asking them out. Most girls will never give the first step because if they do, the guy will usually ask to slow down… that you want to be friends first etc. anyways, we girls are doing EXACTLY what you expect. To be friends first. To get to know you. To go slow on things. But if you never ask the girl out, don’t expect her to come after you asking begging you to go out with her… MAN UP!!!

  20. Andrew May 1, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

    Yeah, that’ll get the single guys in to date you ladies. Call them unemployed sloths that are addicted to videogames. Ya’ll are charmers, I can tell you. You realize that according to the census data for singles in various age groups, the differences are only a few percentage points off in income groups, mostly favoring men? They’re not unemployed bums, they’re making just as much cash as you all–or a bit more.

    Let me ask you something–let’s say for one second you’re half right, and guys aren’t at church dating because Sunday morning they’re on xbox live.

    What does that say about you ladies that guys would rather play video games than date you?

  21. Stephen Winfield July 11, 2013 at 5:02 am #

    The problem is feminism. Many single men will tell you that they are sick of women treating men badly and are sick of the church always blaming men. Yes, we’re sick of it. If you are too gutless to point the finger at feminism, then no wonder more men are avoiding church.

    • Dominic September 29, 2013 at 4:13 am #

      This is so true, if only you knew how many guys sick of being the bad guy simply because they want to treat girls like ladies, in an old fashioned, classy style. I’m talking about things such as opening doors , standing when girl enters the room, even kissing their hand as a greeting. There are actually a lot of guys who want this, but so many girls will be upset at it because they think they’re being regarded as inferior when In fact they are being raised up on a pedestal. I hate extreme feminism, it has absolutely killed chivalry.

  22. Jason July 27, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    No mention of some of the impossibly high standards that many Christian women expect in a man: be college educated, have a better-than-average-job, cause envy in other women and men, be good looking by a societal standard, have a strong leadership position in the church, be thrilling, exciting, and unpredictable. If you ask her on just a DATE, make sure you have ALL the above in order, or she is gonna be “just friends” with you, politely decline, or report you to the pastor about you “making her uncomfortable”

    When she dates “non-Christian” guys, be understanding…she’s lonely and no man in the church will “man up” to her super-high standards.

  23. archerwfisher August 6, 2013 at 3:34 pm #

    If you actually want young Christian men to come back to church, then try making some changes. Or maybe *talking* to one of those young christian men! I notice how these articles always have lots of comments from women and older men, but never young Christian guys.
    Also consider: many of us 20-something Christian guys grew up in homes that had unhappy marriages. So, pray tell–when I see my mom threaten divorce over ridiculous things, or the church never talk about how divorce is only allowed in extreme circumstances–and divorce means financial ruin for a man, why should I be hunting for a girl so I can “work hard to buy her nice things”? Let me ask you something. Those Christian women you’re talking about so glowingly? What do they offer the men? It sounds like they just want to take, have guys spend money/time on them. You ever consider that? What do women bring to the table to make themselves worth the heartache and costs we guys take for them?

    As a Christian 21 year old guy, I’d far rather try my dating luck at college than at my local church.

    Also, how about trying to teach young Christian guys how to date? As in, get dates, and get girls to like them? I went from church to a secular college, and found out what the Christian dating advice was good for–getting friendzoned. I fell for a Christian girl who seemed very devout about her faith–and because I was too nice, I got friendzoned for her ex-boyfriend, a guy who drank, had charm, and hooked up weekly with different women. Let me tell you–getting friendzoned once because the guy she calls “an asshole” is enough heartbreak for one lifetime of dating. Off topic, I know, but that’s one way church sets us young men up to fail romantically.

    And honestly–why would a Christian guy want to date at church, when pastors and sermons always are telling men to “man up” and praising the sweet little angels known as women?

    Just remember what Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said in Ecclesiastes. “I found one upright man among a thousand,but not one upright woman among them all.”

    So, according to the Bible–while a good man is extremely hard to find, a good woman is impossible to find.

  24. Reacher October 16, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

    Okay, I’ve got a question.

    “This just hit me today. It’s not that there are significantly more Christian single women looking for love. It’s that the guys aren’t looking for love. Think about it… they are there on Sunday mornings… they just aren’t interested in love.”

    Okay, let’s assume that’s valid dating advice, and you made a good observation. The men aren’t looking for love. 20-25 guys want to party, relax, do their jobs/school and play games. (btw, guys ages 18-24 are not any less employed than women.)

    Why do you then continue to then try to shame guys by saying they’re disgusting, smelly videogame addicts and won’t be able to attract women like that.

    You just said, guys at church don’t find church women appealing enough to date. So why do they care if women want to date them? Let me rephrase that.

    If I’m enjoying life, working my job, partying on weekends, and have no desire to become a lawyer, what point is there in you shaming me by saying how no law firm would hire a party boy bum like me? I don’t want to join a law firm, so why do I care if they want to hire me?

    Also, you list how women want a man to work hard to buy them nice things, want to spend time, etc.

    You completely fail to mention what women do for men, if anything. I mean, we all hear all the jokes in church about how “Bill is in the doghouse” or “I did home improvements so I got lucky and finally had sex this year”.

    Can you sell me Christian dating (no sex, we’ll say) and/or marriage?

    Can you sell me marriage?

  25. Terrie Allpress December 2, 2013 at 2:56 am #

    Im assuming this article is written for American audiences!? But its not just that part of the world that is asking the same question. My single friends & I are in our 30’s & cant find ANY single christian men in our city in New Zealand. It seems to be a epidemic in western countries as ‘going to church’ for a man seems lame. Whereas in Asia (Korea, China etc) there seem to be lots of christian men coming out of the woodwork. Do i have to travel the world just to find someone? Seems a bit extreme. Do you have any suggestions Adam?

  26. Jay December 15, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

    Single men have been attacked from without the church and judged to death from within. Single guys in church get friendzoned talked of as possibly gay, getting off drugs or sent hateful glances from married women – congratulations you destroyed most of us. Women just go chase the worldly men and may you choke on them.

  27. semafu February 28, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

    Same old man bashing nonsense that main stream preachers are selling to their mostly female audiences.

    Certainly something has changed, of course xbox video gaming has improved, but I doubt that would be enough to change a whole generation of men. LOL.

    Speaking only for myself, I have noticed a worldliness in most Christian women. Yes, they do love Jesus, but they also love the things of the world; the house, the car, the guy wearing the right clothes, the right bulges in the right places…. they want a man who is a winner by worldly standards PLUS he has to be a Christian… well of course such men are in a most limited supply!

  28. Drew May 24, 2014 at 9:41 am #

    I love/hate reading articles like this. Love because it hammers home the general oversimplified lens that most view this current issue through. Obviously it’s video games. Obviously it’s laziness. How easy it is to point out the symptoms!? If you want to be a solution to the problem, instead of yet another nagging observer, dig deeper into the issue. Talk to men who are in the midst of the dilemma. Not all of us have sold our souls to Halo 3, and expect a super model wife. Seriously? There are so many articles on why (young) men are failing to hold up their end in the church, and yet so few on the root cause. Have you ever thought that maybe the current system doesn’t attract men for specific reasons? And that those reasons are precursors to filling a void with the symptoms easily observed?

    If you actually care about young men in the church, instead of passing judgement and labeling with stereotypes, read “Why Men Hate Going To Church” by Murrow.

  29. Sad But Very True September 9, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

    It is very hard to meet a good woman, even at Church.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Where have all the church boys* gone? - - August 28, 2008

    [...] Read more here. [...]

  2. SWF « Loving Every Minute [of this thing called life] - August 31, 2008

    [...] posts that have asked the question “Where Are All The Christian Single Men?” [Pt. 1 ; Pt. 2] 2) Having an entire week off 3) The freight train-esque approach of my 30th [...]

Leave a Reply