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Where are all the Christian single men?

I was starting to wonder if this was just a Romeo phenomenon. But here’s the deal. For every eligible single Christian man I meet there seem to be 20 eligible women.

Seriously, Kristen and I talk about this all the time. In Romeo, our church had two bucket loads of intelligent, attractive, active, spiritual, employed, never imprisoned, not desperate, and eligible single women. We would scratch our heads and wonder… what’s going on here? Where are all the dudes? It would seem like a church with that many single women would attract single men but it never seemed to work that way.

Then we moved to San Diego to discover the same thing! Here’s where I’m going with this. Is it that there are no single men? Or is it that there are single boys who are the age of men? I think the latter.

Equal numerically

Having been in youth ministry for a while I can honestly say that it was never disproportionately female in high school. There were always, roughly, the same number of guys as girls. So I know there are Christian men out there.

And I know that in a church environment, especially a small church environment, men and women who grew up going to the same church look at one another more as siblings than as dateabl. I get that.

But seriously, where do all of the guys go when they hit 20?

Put Down the XBox Controller

This just hit me today. It’s not that there are significantly more Christian single women looking for love. It’s that the guys aren’t looking for love. Think about it… they are there on Sunday mornings… they just aren’t interested in love.

Here’s my observation, correct me if I’m wrong: A woman is typically looking for a man who will care about her, put her high on the priority list of his life, work hard to buy her nice things, and love to spend time with her. The men I know in that 20-25 year old category… that’s a great description for their video game system. They care about that, the work to buy nice toys, they put game time high on their priority list, and they love to spend time on XBox Live. For some reason guys miss the whole dating things because they long for a life of playing video games and not working… let me tell you guys, this is not a good singles ad.

SWM addicted to Madden 2009, unemployed and hoping to keep it that way. I shower weekly when my mom reminds me. Looking for knockout super model who loves Jesus and will pay my bills so I can be a pro at Halo 3.

So here’s a little unsolicited advice to the single men in my life. Pack away the controller. Get a job. Sleep at night. Build your relationship with Jesus. Start thinking about things that aren’t connected to a controller. And you’ll be like super hot to the single women at your church.

What’s the reward? Well, unlike video games a woman provides lifelong companionship, fulfillment, someone to hold your hand at movies, deep friendship, completeness… and if you are man enough to marry a woman… there are other benefits as well. I’ll let you read Song of Solomon to figure that out.

By Adam McLane

Adam McLane is a partner at The Youth Cartel, co-author of A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media, blogger of 10+ years, and a fan of all things San Diego State University Aztecs.

53 replies on “Where are all the Christian single men?”

Nice observation. It brought on a chuckle. Not sure ALL single men can be lumped into that description, but many could, certainly.
Do older Men of Christ in the church host Bible Studies or Accountability Groups to further coach and lead these young adult men after they leave the awesomeness of Youth Ministry?
As a guy, I can tell you from experience, men are SLOW LEARNERS and need to be shown the Godly way to live over and over. My experience is that after Youth Group and High School ends, most guys fall away from church for many reasons. Females tend to stay involved with ministry and relationships that have been built with older ladies in the church. Maybe it is an independence issue with guys. “I can do it alone.” I think the challenge may be for other Disciples of Christ to help these guys maintain and grow their relationship with Christ. Again, we’re slow learners.
Good thoughts, Adam.

There has been a significant absense of mature Christian husband material for decades now from what I have experienced. Any way all across the USA. I have had a rough go at it but have been a believer since 1977.

I would like to say that from my experience I have found the opposite in Ireland. From the churches that I have been involved in, it has been the women that disappear after high school, the guys tend to stay loyal to the cause. I wonder is this because of our history in regards to the church?
So yeah in good old Norn Iron, there are plenty of Christian men in churches but a distinct lack of females.

This explains why I am single. lol

I have also found with some females within the NI church, that they like to keep a finger in every pie, and want to keep their church life along with their wild college life.

Shelley, I’m saving already for the plane ticket. We can share hotel rooms and rent a car together. Uncle Dave, what about men over 40? Seriously devoted to Jesus, read a book last year, and not crazy. I’m not being picky, I swear.

So the solution is: all eligible, Jesus-loving females should move to Northern Ireland! Hurrah! Let’s do it!

Well, I’m 24, love playing on the computer (over 20 hours a week normally), have a job, and married too… it’s just a hobby, just as my wife has hobbies. I just love my wife more than my hobbies.

Also I find it strange you say there are as many Christian men as women. I would definitely say there are more women, maybe 60/40.

Of course, I love hyperbole… so there is that in this post.

Sara- great advice. Let me know how it works out dressing like an xbox controller. Just be careful as guys tend to get grabby with them.

Amen- Preach it brother!
I totally agree with, “Build your life with Jesus!” Guys, we don’t care how cool you are – we just want to see your heart set right.

About the equality of numbers. A few years ago I read that there are about 5,000,000 more marriagable females than males in the U.S. It might be fun to check out the stats on birth ratios.

Re my last comment. They don’t start out that way. According to the infoplease web site, in 2003 there were 1034 live male births per 1000 live female births in the U.S. I guess that takes you back to the original question, “where are the Christian men?”

Hey Adam, how do we get our husbands to put down the controllers? Mine managed to commit, is a great husband, but is seriously in love with his PS3.

That’s totally true. And by way of confession… for a serious amount of time Kristen was a PS2 widow. But I think I play 1-2 hours of video games per month max now… so I’m not he perfect example.

Couple thoughts I guess…

a. I like to play games with Kristen. We have competitions with the Wii from time to time. Playing with a friend is always more fun than playing by yourself.

b. Guys are stupid. See Sara’s comment about wearing controllers. 🙂

c. In my own experience, video games get turned on when I’m bored. It’s something to do when there is nothing else going on. For Kristen and I it helps to have a regular date night, maybe that would help with you too?

I know a lot of guys just like to veg out. I know I do, and video games are serious veg time. I think just coming up with a plan is half the battle. Like “honey, can we just make Saturday’s your video game day?” By having a whole day you can do that.. it frees up a lot more time the other days instead of trying to sneak in game time.

I think the video game issue in a marriage is a whole different ballgame compared to 22 year old men chilling in their mom’s house, playing WoW all night.

Hey, are there any Christian single guys out there who are okay with being single?

Hi Adam ~ That’s a GREAT question. I don’t get onto the internet very often yet, so I’m new to all this. What is an RSS feed??
AND:
When we find out where “we” all are, what then?

i hope you all have a good sunday 🙂 i am at work and just wanted to write a quick note and say, ‘hello’ from anchorage ak 🙂

take care,
chris

Preach it! This was awesome…..Also, to the single ladies .. as the Men put down the X-Box our expectations of a guy cannot be Brad Pitt looks and compassionate like Noah from the Notebook. It would be great if that combo comes but a movie can not be our measuring stick for a mate.

We have the same problem here in Canada. The churches are always full of single women and the only women that have recently been married have found their men outside of church. They tend to learn the hard way when they find out that he really had no interest in God.

I think I might have to go visit Ireland on a holiday!

I find that I disagree. Perhaps it’s because I’ve only ever been in close knit parish’s but in my experience most guys don’t have a chance because they’ve known the girls all their lives, so the girls dimply don’t have even a remote interest in them, or, as is very often the case, they just get friend zoned right off the bat. Girls might complain about finding it hard to get Christian guys, but even guts who love Christ and actively pursue their faith like my friends and I, have a very hard time netting new Christian girls. The ones we already know regard us more as brothers then anything else. So to those girls looking for Christian guys pursuing their faith, you may not have to look very far at all. All you need to do is stop friend zoning the great guys you already know and you’ll be set ! 🙂

maybe they treat you as a brother because you treat them as sisters! Try asking them out. Most girls will never give the first step because if they do, the guy will usually ask to slow down… that you want to be friends first etc. anyways, we girls are doing EXACTLY what you expect. To be friends first. To get to know you. To go slow on things. But if you never ask the girl out, don’t expect her to come after you asking begging you to go out with her… MAN UP!!!

“Man Up” really? What a shaming insult! smh. That is the same type of attitude men used to have worldwide of woman: ie. WOMAN DO YOUR JOB (WOMAN UP: dishes clean cook childcare etc.) Do you say “Thats So Gay” around lgbt individuals?

So only the men should ever deal with the embarrassment and pain of rejection. Strength and weakness have nothing to do with sex or gender.

Hi everyone. Nice to see all your comment. Me too I’m waiting for a Godly man. I’m a single woman. From cebu Philippines…thank you guys.
GOD BLESS EVERYONE . I’m liza atamosa

Yeah, that’ll get the single guys in to date you ladies. Call them unemployed sloths that are addicted to videogames. Ya’ll are charmers, I can tell you. You realize that according to the census data for singles in various age groups, the differences are only a few percentage points off in income groups, mostly favoring men? They’re not unemployed bums, they’re making just as much cash as you all–or a bit more.

Let me ask you something–let’s say for one second you’re half right, and guys aren’t at church dating because Sunday morning they’re on xbox live.

What does that say about you ladies that guys would rather play video games than date you?

The problem is feminism. Many single men will tell you that they are sick of women treating men badly and are sick of the church always blaming men. Yes, we’re sick of it. If you are too gutless to point the finger at feminism, then no wonder more men are avoiding church.

This is so true, if only you knew how many guys sick of being the bad guy simply because they want to treat girls like ladies, in an old fashioned, classy style. I’m talking about things such as opening doors , standing when girl enters the room, even kissing their hand as a greeting. There are actually a lot of guys who want this, but so many girls will be upset at it because they think they’re being regarded as inferior when In fact they are being raised up on a pedestal. I hate extreme feminism, it has absolutely killed chivalry.

No mention of some of the impossibly high standards that many Christian women expect in a man: be college educated, have a better-than-average-job, cause envy in other women and men, be good looking by a societal standard, have a strong leadership position in the church, be thrilling, exciting, and unpredictable. If you ask her on just a DATE, make sure you have ALL the above in order, or she is gonna be “just friends” with you, politely decline, or report you to the pastor about you “making her uncomfortable”

When she dates “non-Christian” guys, be understanding…she’s lonely and no man in the church will “man up” to her super-high standards.

If you actually want young Christian men to come back to church, then try making some changes. Or maybe *talking* to one of those young christian men! I notice how these articles always have lots of comments from women and older men, but never young Christian guys.
Also consider: many of us 20-something Christian guys grew up in homes that had unhappy marriages. So, pray tell–when I see my mom threaten divorce over ridiculous things, or the church never talk about how divorce is only allowed in extreme circumstances–and divorce means financial ruin for a man, why should I be hunting for a girl so I can “work hard to buy her nice things”? Let me ask you something. Those Christian women you’re talking about so glowingly? What do they offer the men? It sounds like they just want to take, have guys spend money/time on them. You ever consider that? What do women bring to the table to make themselves worth the heartache and costs we guys take for them?

As a Christian 21 year old guy, I’d far rather try my dating luck at college than at my local church.

Also, how about trying to teach young Christian guys how to date? As in, get dates, and get girls to like them? I went from church to a secular college, and found out what the Christian dating advice was good for–getting friendzoned. I fell for a Christian girl who seemed very devout about her faith–and because I was too nice, I got friendzoned for her ex-boyfriend, a guy who drank, had charm, and hooked up weekly with different women. Let me tell you–getting friendzoned once because the guy she calls “an asshole” is enough heartbreak for one lifetime of dating. Off topic, I know, but that’s one way church sets us young men up to fail romantically.

And honestly–why would a Christian guy want to date at church, when pastors and sermons always are telling men to “man up” and praising the sweet little angels known as women?

Just remember what Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said in Ecclesiastes. “I found one upright man among a thousand,but not one upright woman among them all.”

So, according to the Bible–while a good man is extremely hard to find, a good woman is impossible to find.

Okay, I’ve got a question.

“This just hit me today. It’s not that there are significantly more Christian single women looking for love. It’s that the guys aren’t looking for love. Think about it… they are there on Sunday mornings… they just aren’t interested in love.”

Okay, let’s assume that’s valid dating advice, and you made a good observation. The men aren’t looking for love. 20-25 guys want to party, relax, do their jobs/school and play games. (btw, guys ages 18-24 are not any less employed than women.)

Why do you then continue to then try to shame guys by saying they’re disgusting, smelly videogame addicts and won’t be able to attract women like that.

You just said, guys at church don’t find church women appealing enough to date. So why do they care if women want to date them? Let me rephrase that.

If I’m enjoying life, working my job, partying on weekends, and have no desire to become a lawyer, what point is there in you shaming me by saying how no law firm would hire a party boy bum like me? I don’t want to join a law firm, so why do I care if they want to hire me?

Also, you list how women want a man to work hard to buy them nice things, want to spend time, etc.

You completely fail to mention what women do for men, if anything. I mean, we all hear all the jokes in church about how “Bill is in the doghouse” or “I did home improvements so I got lucky and finally had sex this year”.

Can you sell me Christian dating (no sex, we’ll say) and/or marriage?

Can you sell me marriage?

Im assuming this article is written for American audiences!? But its not just that part of the world that is asking the same question. My single friends & I are in our 30’s & cant find ANY single christian men in our city in New Zealand. It seems to be a epidemic in western countries as ‘going to church’ for a man seems lame. Whereas in Asia (Korea, China etc) there seem to be lots of christian men coming out of the woodwork. Do i have to travel the world just to find someone? Seems a bit extreme. Do you have any suggestions Adam?

Single men have been attacked from without the church and judged to death from within. Single guys in church get friendzoned talked of as possibly gay, getting off drugs or sent hateful glances from married women – congratulations you destroyed most of us. Women just go chase the worldly men and may you choke on them.

Same old man bashing nonsense that main stream preachers are selling to their mostly female audiences.

Certainly something has changed, of course xbox video gaming has improved, but I doubt that would be enough to change a whole generation of men. LOL.

Speaking only for myself, I have noticed a worldliness in most Christian women. Yes, they do love Jesus, but they also love the things of the world; the house, the car, the guy wearing the right clothes, the right bulges in the right places…. they want a man who is a winner by worldly standards PLUS he has to be a Christian… well of course such men are in a most limited supply!

I love/hate reading articles like this. Love because it hammers home the general oversimplified lens that most view this current issue through. Obviously it’s video games. Obviously it’s laziness. How easy it is to point out the symptoms!? If you want to be a solution to the problem, instead of yet another nagging observer, dig deeper into the issue. Talk to men who are in the midst of the dilemma. Not all of us have sold our souls to Halo 3, and expect a super model wife. Seriously? There are so many articles on why (young) men are failing to hold up their end in the church, and yet so few on the root cause. Have you ever thought that maybe the current system doesn’t attract men for specific reasons? And that those reasons are precursors to filling a void with the symptoms easily observed?

If you actually care about young men in the church, instead of passing judgement and labeling with stereotypes, read “Why Men Hate Going To Church” by Murrow.

very true…..my church has a number of single guys who participate in ministry; a Christian woman’s dream right?? Yes he needs to be Christian…..oh and also 6′ tall, athletic, great job, house, nice car, fashionable et al. Sadly many Christian women have been contaminated by feminism and the world.

Ha ha. That was me in my 20s. Now that I’m 44 and focused on the things that are important there literally are no eligible women at church for a guy my age. Everyone seems to be married.

The single men left teen church went into adult church and the adults treated them the way you just talked about so because they could not fellowship with the adults in the church due to a condescending attitude they left. If you ignore them they will go away and they have.

WHAT ON EARTH!!! I don’t understand all the throwing people under the bus, men need women and women need men. Yes I am going to be honest there is a few types of Christain guy I stay well clear, of course not all are like that. Women make sure you get a good education, get a good job and thus be independent. However if a guy offers you a seat on a bus, more often than not please say yes. One thing I have noticed about men is they REALLY want to be needed , can you help me fix this- needed, do you want me sexually- needed etc. To be honest its the part of what I like about all you men anyway.

However I have had many nasty comments overwhelmingly from Christian men.
– If you were fatter I might fancy you more ( is this meant to be a complement !!)
– Why did you get a degree, you don’t need one to be a wife and mother
– Why do you play so many sports thats what boys do
– an older man said to my parents a few years back your son is actually a bit pretty, my dad trying to stay calm said that’s because thats my little girl in sports gear.
– what, you think sexual attraction is important , only men are meant to think that!!! really
– then a man who presented himself in a rather unattractive way, accused me of being shallow when to be honest a shower would have been a good start !!

Not all ladies have had it this bad but my advice would be pray and be honest about your desires.

Christian men
Where is Christ in their Heart

How do they treat women
Do they respect our Godly women

Does it have real genuine God fearing men still?

The men who Fear God and have a daily relationship with Him
Pleasing Him in Their everyday lives.

Loving God with all of their heart mind and soul?

If so I need to know where to find one!!!!!

Please tell me

Vidia.

I can’t speak for other Christian men, but I personally have failed academically and financially… I can try to get a minimum wage job again one day… but no Sister can marry a Christian guy that is poor… there may be other Christian men trying to get a career… but it all depends on whether they will be successful or not… ultimately… it is our fault… men that do not have good careers or any career for that matter… we are at fault… and personally… this is why I have no choice, but to escape reality through video games… by the way… this may be only some Christian men… obviously not all Christian men… A financially successful Christian man is an essential to getting married… personally… I am still going to try to get a career one day… but I am not certain if that will ever happen.
– Louis Enrico Sessarego – 24 – La Crescenta, CA

Louis, there is always hope through Christ Jesus. Just use this time as a period to draw closer to him. “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

All this is a waste of time….. Only a few comments here actually say the real truth about what seems to a distressing situation for women….. maybe the men just don’t see any advantage to being married or even a relationship , where everything is nothing but responsibilities for him , and no or little reward ……

Let me submit another thing that is keeping men away. Unfortunately with the culture seeping into our church’s today, if a man comes to church as a single, he is, after 2 or 3 Sundays, labeled as THAT Single guy. Is he Gay that he doesn’t have a woman? Does he want to pursue my wife? What is wrong with him that he is, Da da daaaa (gasp), SINGLE?! (Ahhhhh, the horror!). In today’s churches which makes Marriage & Family the holy grail of all things Christian, and (as was stated earlier), hearing from the pulpit how everything is the Man’s fault (due to the feminization of the church), speaking from my own experience, it becomes a whittling away of one’s desire to further attend services, to the point of saying to yourself, “Hold it, why am I coming to expose myself to this judgement week after week again?!”. Just thought I’d give you a Single Christian Guy’s perspective that has gone to church services routinely. The men get judged, like instantly, while women are seen as more Spiritual by virtue of being female (Again, due to the feminization of the church.). There you go, that is our (the Men’s) side of the story.

– God Bless and Let’s Pray our Church Leaders wake up to the untapped resource of Single Men (and Women) that God has in store for service to their churches, THEN, you may see Godly couples form, stemming from that service!

It’s 2018. Can we be honest? Honest about women’s behavior too?

Sure, plenty of single Christian men are floundering, right, we’ve heard it all before. Actually the complaining has been going on for decades. The culture started blaming men for everything about 1970, somewhere in the 80s the church took up the cause. Regarding the dating, marriage and divorce disaster in this culture (and the church) the narrative never changes. ‘Men are bad’ especially for avoiding marriage to women, who apparently are infinitely good.

Ladies, it’s your reputation. With few exceptions even among Christians you’re sexually active when you’re young and single yet you without sex from husbands that are foolish enough to marry you. You’re selfish, demanding, controlling, dishonest. While we’re being honest, way too many of you are significantly overweight especially after trapping a man in a marriage.

Is it any wonder Christian young men are no longer motivated to marry, if we’re being honest?