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Church Leadership hmm... thoughts

Secret Sex

I’ve been around Christians long enough to know that they like to talk about sex. In fact, I know enough about internet traffic to know that only one thing is more popular than a post about sex. In fact, most of you are reading this because you clicked on a link with a keyword you like to click on, “SEX” and are wondering what the secret is all about.

What’s the one thing more popular than a post about sex? A post about sexual behavior Christians “shouldn’t do but like to talk about.”

– Homosexuality

– Cheating

– Masturbation

– Pornography

– Getting caught looking at gay porn and masturbating.

Here’s some data behind this Christian propensity to search for and click on things about sex. Notice the #1 read item at YMX over the last 2 years by a wide margin… it’s an article called “Solo Sex” and its about masturbation. In the 2 years that article has been on the site it has averaged 25 readers per day! Likewise, my blog data shows that most of my google visits from google searches arrive on terms such as “Christian dating” or “Christian sex.”

Proving this point further, stop for a second and think about this:Why are you reading this post? What about the title ‘Secret Sex’ made you click here?” Did I trick you to come here with my blog title? Did you click on a delicious link I served on Twitter? Or were you googling something like “Christian love advice?”

Here is my theory, disagree with me if you like. I think that internally many evangelicals are wrestling with sexuality. I don’t mean they are worried about their gender preference or even secretly longing to do sinful things. I think that within Christian circles it just isn’t safe to talk about sex which leaves many adult Christians very immature in how they handle sex. So the result is that we talk about sexuality in very immature fashions. (And then we wonder why students have messed up views on sexuality!)

While in non-Christian circles it isn’t unusual to have some safety within your peer group to talk about sex in an intelligent manner, I know I’ve never found Christian friends willing to have a serious conversation blushing it off as either “naughty” or diverting to childish jokes. (Of course, maybe its just my friends?) So while it may be normal and/or healthy to seek out talking with a peer about something intimate… in our circles we repress that discussion and look for answers privately.

And I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

I wonder if that repression of the discussion, which in and of itself is amoral but breaks a Christian taboo, is exactly what leads to the gross sexual dysfunction within many churches and marriages. Why can’t Christians just talk about sex? Why do Christians scour the internet searching for answers?

Sidebar: Of course it could also be that there are so many people out there googling anything to do with sex that this disproportionally elevates the click through rates of posts about sex… that’s a theory worth contemplating without devaluing the overriding question.

So, what is it?

– Victorian cultural leftovers permeating Christian culture?

– Fear?

– Our mommy told us never to talk about sex, just learn about it the way she did in the library?

– It should just be repressed. Asking this question proves that Adam is a pervert and just likes to say “sex” a lot.

By Adam McLane

Adam McLane is a partner at The Youth Cartel, co-author of A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media, blogger of 10+ years, and a fan of all things San Diego State University Aztecs.

4 replies on “Secret Sex”

I think this is a very over looked subject and I actually enjoy talking with young bride and grooms or even a friend who needs advice. God made sex not only for procreation, but for a beautiful way that a husband and wife can share their love. It NEEDS to be talked about more especially with the divorce rate. I think the reason church’s stray from it is that sex can be embarrassing and uncomfortable. I mean, a preacher could get across a heart pounding message, but when it comes to something as intimate as sexuality, he can become a mute.

i’ve actually found that at a christian college, it’s talked about quite often, however, not always in a way we appreciate. in chapel every year, there’s a week devoted to purity and abstinence. of course i’m totally pro staying pure until marriage, however there are plenty of students who have made sexual mistakes in their past and there is nothing offered for them. they are spoken down to by the speakers and feel judged. i’ve talked to many of these students and they get negative views about sex from the speakers because they feel so condemned.

I think Christians like to talk about sexual matters simply because sex matters to them. The Bible clearly indicates that all interpersonal sex outside of the one man one woman covenant of marriage is sinful, but there is so much that is possible and pleasurable in marriage.

And the anti-masturbation taboo is clearly no found anywhere in scripture. We like to talk about it because we like to do it. I not only masturbate regularly, but my website is devoted to the subject (click on my name). We like to do it, and somewhere within us there is a knowledge that the prohibition is part of Christian culture, and not part of the truth of God. We like to talk about it because our heart longs for godly freedom.

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