• Extended Parenting

    Extended Parenting

    Kristen and I have become aware of something recently.

    MEGAN IS FOURTEEN! 

    We aren’t freaking out about high school. We’re not even really freaking out about the potential of paying for college.

    But we are both kind of freaking out about the not-so-far-off word: Adulthood.

    The Parent Test

    The true test of your ability to lead a group of people is “What happens when you’re gone?” If things carry on largely as if you were there, you’re doing a good job as a leader. If chaos reigns than you’re not doing a very good job as a leader.

    But is the same true for parenthood?

    Is the true test of your job as a parent determined by what your children do into adulthood? Yes and no. Your parenting certainly determines a trajectory for them, you can certainly foster things in your child, you have a lot of impact… but you aren’t truly responsible for them indefinitely.

    Have I turned out the way my parents probably aspired for me? Not really. Am I in the vicinity of what they were hoping for? Yes.

    Extended Parenting

    I think one of the things I’m wrestling with as I consider what the next 4, 8, 12 years look like is what it will look like to shift roles in Megan’s life?

    I’m well aware and versed in the discussions about extended adolescence / emerging adulthood. But, practically speaking, I’m not sure I really want to extend my parenting well into my children’s twenties. Specifically, I’m not sure I want to finance and house a perfectly capable adult while they figure stuff out indefinitely.

    At some point, just like we see in nature, you’ve got to kick the bird out of the nest. I’m not going to feed you forever… the most caring thing for me to do is to prepare you for that moment, right?

    But what I see, particularly in middle-class suburban white parents is an unwillingness to kick a birdie out of the nest and mean it. Instead, they tell their children in actions and words that they won’t let them suffer… so these young adults never flourish because they don’t have to. And the parent is satisfied that they still get to parent even if it’s not healthy for them, expressing a codependency, if you will. Is there something wrong with that? Not if all parties are happy about it. But understand it’s not not about cognitive emotional development or physical capabilities… it’s about values. 

    One reason, it seems, why young adults can’t make decisions (codify) about what they want to do is that they might not feel the pressure to take responsibility for themselves. As I’ve seen over and over again in my work… it’s amazing how fast a person can mature and take financial responsibility for themselves when the alternative it’s about eating vs. not eating or having a place to live vs. not having a place to live.

    The seemingly never-ending existential question of “What do I want to do with my life?” is a question of affluence. Rich kids get to ask that. Again, that’s a values expression that we’re wrestling with because, quite frankly, even if we can afford to finance the 20s for our children… we don’t really want to.

    It’s not what we’re about.

    We want t raise strong, independent, critical-thinking children– dumb enough to chase their dreams who become strong, independent, critical-thinking adults dumb-enough to chase their dreams.

    In other words, we’re OK with this stage of parenting coming to an end. We’re kind of looking forward to it. 

     

  • Kingdom of the Trolls

    Kingdom of the Trolls

    In 2010, just as I was getting into San Diego State sports, I posted a video of the Aztecs taking the field on YouTube.

    To my surprise it got a lot of traffic. Like, there were maybe 3,000 people in the stands for this game and 1,000 people watched my video in 24 hours on YouTube. And when I poked around to see where all the traffic was coming from, most of it pointed to a thread on an online forum, AztecMesa.

    So I created an account and claimed the video as mine. From there I’ve been an occasional poster, mostly lurking, but sometimes jumping in and even starting conversation.

    At AztecMesa I’ve met a couple new friends. But, quite frankly, I also met too many 1990s era internet trolls.

    I’m no rookie to online forums. After all, from 2005-2008 I helped lead YMX, a forum with thousands of members who created hundreds of thousands of posts. And for 9-10 years prior to that I’d been actively part of many, many only forums.

    Kingdom of the Trolls

    It only took me a couple of days of poking around at AztecMesa to see that they had a troll problem.

    What’s a troll? Wikipedia offers a good enough definition:

    is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory,[1] extraneous, or off-topicmessages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response[2] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion,[3] often for their own amusement.

    Source

    AztecMesa topics consistently either started off negative or quickly turn to the negative.

    In fairness, it’s not just that San Diego State fans tend to troll their own fans… it’s that San Diego sports fans, in general– even in real life— tend to troll their own teams. I’ve attended sporting events my entire life and I’ve never seen people who will pay good money to go to a sporting event just to complain. But that’s fairly common here.

    When I first started engaging with folks at AztecMesa I was determined to help people see the positives. And there were a few fellow fans who seemed interested in the same thing, so it was fun.

    You see, really, truly, and factually… San Diego State is undergoing an epic turnaround as a university. A school once known as a doormat on the athletic field now competes, sometimes dominates the conference in many sports. (except football) While hundreds of thousands of alumni remember State as a fallback commuter school, State has become much more residential and hard to get in to. It’s no longer a fallback school. In fact, it’s a pretty cool place to live near.

    But, alas, I’m giving up on AztecMesa.

    From time to time I experienced successes. I could help people see the positive. But, in the end, the trolls there are simply too powerful. It doesn’t help that moderators often participate in the negative bent unchecked and uncheckable.

    Since it’s gotten to the point that I actually find myself less enthusiastic about attending SDSU games because of the trolls at AztecMesa… it’s time to walk away.

    You know it’s bad when the local newspaper calls out a fan forum:

    Chat boards had threads titled things like “SDSU football is stuck in coaching purgatory” and “The program has regressed under Long.”

    Source

    Were moderators embarrassed that the unchecked stuff they allow on their forums got picked up in the local newspaper? Nope. They probably thought it was good publicity.

    I’m not walking away from cheering for SDSU. I just am leaving that negative space to itself.

    What Does This Have to Do With You?

    99.9% of my daily readers are not Aztec fans or care about any of this, and so you may be wondering why I’m writing about this on my blog?

    I’m sharing it because it’s relevant to all of us. 

    I believe in engagement. I believe that we are called to bring Good News to the Neighborhood.

    And with that in mind we sometimes we allow ourselves to step into negative space in hopes that we can be a change agent. Maybe we can be the voice or the person who makes an impact?

    But you don’t always get to win.

    Sometimes you need to give up!

    You might “be the change” all day but you don’t always get to see the change you want to see.

    That’s ultimately not your choice.

    And so you have to decide… at what point are you willing to walk away? At what point is enough enough?

    My advice?

    1. Enough is enough when you no longer find joy in it.
    2. Enough is enough when you find yourself alone in it.
    3. Enough is enough when you feel the vortex of what you’re up against pulling you in.

    It’s one thing to be a change agent. It’s another thing altogether to get that negativity on you, literally feeling dirty with it, and see no real change for a significant period of time.

    Quitting doesn’t make you a quitter. Sometimes quitting is necessary.

    Farewell, Kingdom of the Trolls.

    Hello, fellow Aztec fans. 

  • Solus Christus is Not Popular

    Solus Christus is Not Popular

    Solus Christus – Our salvation is accomplished by the mediatorial work of the historical Christ alone.

    It’s one of the “Five Solas” that are core to what makes Protestants… protestant. These are what the Reformation was protesting.

    But I have to point this out: Solus Christus sure isn’t popular today. 

    Not in American Protestant churches, anyway.

    Listen to podcasts of sermons from around the country or go to events or listen carefully and you’ll hear a not-so-subtle variant that teaches Jesus + _____ = A Faithful Christian.

    That blank can be:

    • Attending worship services
    • Baptism
    • Giving
    • Youth group
    • Small group
    • Extra worship gatherings
    • Leadership
    • Volunteering
    • Membership
    • On and on and on.

    My point isn’t that those things are bad. None of those things in my list above are bad. In fact, most are actually good! You could even say they are important things, maybe even signs that a person is actively walking with Jesus?

    But when you compare how much emphasis is placed on the things in that bullet pointed list compared to the Five Solas‘ foundational to the Reformation itself?

    It’s confusing (at best) and misleading (at worst) to the people on the other side trying to figure it out.

    • You talk about making church attendance a priority in your life, but what about Jesus?
    • You talk about identifying with Jesus in baptism, but are you identifying with Jesus or the church?
    • You talk about giving to the church, but I thought I was supposed to give my life to Jesus?
    • Youth group is a great place to grow, but without Jesus at the center of your youth group it’s just a social club.
    • Coming to more worship services is great, but at what point am I no longer worshipping Jesus and instead am just a fan of the band?
    • Christian leadership is needed in our society, but I’m not sure a lot of the leadership stuff being taught is even Christian?

    You get the point.

    Jesus is enough.

    Don’t get bored with Jesus.

    It’s all about Jesus.

    If you want a great youth ministry point students to Jesus and not _____. That might not be “hot” or land you on the seminar team for a bunch of conferences… but I’d rather do a good, boring job than be popular, anyway.

  • We Eat Our Young

    We Eat Our Young

    Hamster cannibalism is not uncommon. When a hamster gives birth, she may feel pushed to eat some or all of the new pups. This may be a response to lack of resources (like food, space, or protein), fear of a perceived threat, or some type of confusion.

    Source

    Humans eat their young, too. 

    Two stories about teenagers came on the radio today while Megan and I drove to school.

    Story One

    IRVING — Ahmed Mohamed — who makes his own radios and repairs his own go-kart — hoped to impress his teachers when he brought a homemade clock to MacArthur High on Monday.

    Instead, the school phoned police about Ahmed’s circuit-stuffed pencil case.

    So a kid does something really cool, that few teenagers could do, makes his own stuff… brings it in to school to proudly show off to his teacher… and gets arrested.

    It’s outrageous. 

    A student is smart and gets arrested because administrators don’t see him as smart, they see him as a threat.

    How can you say you love teenagers, dedicate your life to youth ministry, and NOT be outraged by that?

    Story Two

    Somewhere else during Morning Edition there was a story that started out like this, “He was on his way to school, running late– because you know, he’s a teenagers– and when he got there…”

    I looked at Megan, ourselves pushing hard to get to school on time, and said “Because you know, all teenagers, all 46 million of them, are late all the time because you know… they are teenagers.”

    The Bias Against Teenagers

    It’s hard to listen to media bias against teenagers when your 9th grade daughter is sitting next to you. Megan is amazing in so many ways… her friends are, too… and yet two stories in short sequence paint a picture of adolescents as sub-human buffoons who are destined to fail.

    So I turned off the radio and we had a great conversation that started like this, “In the media, teenagers are incapbale until they aren’t. They are either idiots who can’t do anything right or they win 6 gold medals… but the fact is most teenagers are just like most adults. But you never hear that because it doesn’t sell.” 

    The Need for Allies

    As youth workers we know that these bias exist and yet we are largely silent. An incident like this happens in suburban Dallas and you are left to wonder… “Where are the youth ministry people? Why the silence?”

    It makes me wonder… What would it look like if youth ministry were good news to teenagers?

    • What would happen if you were an advocate for the teenagers in your life?
    • What would it look like to correct a bias when you hear it?
    • What would it look like if people saw you and thought to themselves… “I better not talk crap about teenagers around that lady, she’s CRAZY about teenagers.”
    • What would happen if teenagers in the community looked to you as an advocate?
    • What is possible when the teenagers in your community knew you had their back, that you’d step up for them, that you’d leverage your voice and power for them?

    Friends, we are not hamsters. We are humans made in the image of God. Teenagers are made in God’s images.

    My daughter needs more advocates. Our daughters need advocates. God’s children need allies to stand up against a culture that eats it’s young, that leaves them feeling terrible about their status, that reminds them every day in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that if they don’t climb Mount Everest they are a complete failure.

    May it never be true!

    When a teenager is maligned in the media, so is the image of God.

    Advocate.

    Ally yourself with your tribe.

    Leverage your power and voice for the people that you say you serve.

    And when you do? Stand back and watch what God can do.

  • 4 Things I’m excited about for Open Denver

    4 Things I’m excited about for Open Denver

    On Thursday night I head to Denver for our second annual Open Denver event. Open is a movement of one-day training events built from the ground up to support & advance youth ministry locally. It’s unlike anything else out there.

    • Most of the presenters work right in the region, so they live the local context every day.
    • While we provide national level support, the local leadership team is in control.
    • We keep Open cheap— really cheap— at $25/$35 depending on when you register to make it accessible to anyone.
    • It’s cheap because none of our speakers get paid. They are doing it because they want to give back to their local community and they want to see youth ministry advanced in their area.
    • Speaking of money, we give most of it away. This year Purple Door Coffee will receive 34% of the profits at Open Denver. The local organizing team will also get 33%… so we’re not just tapping the local youth ministry network for favors. To keep things transparent we actually publish our budget on the website.

    Four Reasons I’m Excited about Open Denver

    1. Hospitality – If you’ve never been on campus at Flatirons Church, you are in for a treat. I’m a small church guy and I pull into the parking lot of a megachurch with certain expectations. Well, when you come to Flatirons prepare to have those turned on their head. Their staff is amazing and we’re super privileged to have them host Open Denver.
    2. Continuity – Last year we had the pleasure to hear Jenny Popp’s story. In the past year she’s taken some big steps and we’ve invited her back to celebrate all that God is doing.
    3. Practical Training – I tend to gravitate towards new ideas in youth ministry. But that doesn’t mean that Open Denver isn’t full of practical stuff. Lots of the breakouts are going to be really, really practical. Perfect for a wide variety of youth workers.
    4. Ideas birth ideas – One of the truly fascinating things about Open is that youth workers hearing a new idea for the first time at an Open event… seeing that it works locally… has a net effect of birthing brand new ideas. This is the net Kingdom effect of what happens when you “Open Source” ministry ideas as opposed to getting caught up on “who owns what.” Give credit where credit is due and advance the Kingdom of God.

    See you there?

    On Friday, I’ll be leading a 90 minute version of my talk, Teenagers + The Small Screen. I’d love to see you there on Friday and/or Saturday for the second Open Denver!

    Register here

  • A Revolution Against What?

    A Revolution Against What?

    “Instigating a revolution in youth ministry.”

    This is the tagline for The Youth Cartel.

    Last December, during our annual retreat, we spent a couple of hours kicking around exactly what that meant, what it didn’t mean, and even spent extended time to list out dozens of areas we’re seeking a revolution in the form of an internal manifesto, of sorts.

    But over the past year I’ve kept coming back to the grounding question about this revolution we talk about… “What are we revolting against?” 

    A Revelation About the Revolution

    A couple of weeks ago, during the benediction at a worship service, our worship pastor answered this question for me. He hung words on something I’d been looking for words on… and it was flat out a revelation for me.

    He said something like,

    This revolution, [he was talking about our church] is about death. We’re partnering with God so death won’t win.

    Dang. So good. And so true.

    See, our revolution isn’t about tearing anyone down or ascribing to a so-called-right-way to do youth ministry or destroying/fighting with/pushing aside other organizations… we’re actually all about celebrating the crazy diversity that is the current state of youth ministry.

    But The Youth Cartel’s revolution? We’re fighting the death of youth ministry.

    Whether by entropy or lack of popularity or being maligned as unimportant— we’re against that. We’re pushing back against that, resourcing, gathering, and encouraging youth workers to fight against those things— this is important!

    We believe specialized ministry by adults to adolescents is vital to the health of the church. It’s to be celebrated widely, innovated within, encouraged from the platform the boardroom and behind the scenes, resourced extravagantly, coached up, taught formally and informally, and then re-taught. Yes, it’s a quirky segment of the church. Yes, some of us are weird. Yes, sometimes it’s a one-eared-mickey-mouse organizationally. Yes, it’s hard to measure. A yes, it’s absolutely a mess.

    But youth ministry is important.

    It’s worth fighting for.

    And it’s revolution worthy.

  • Let High School be about High School

    Today my oldest child, Megan, starts high school.

    While it’s really easy for me to get self-reflective and think about my own high school experience and how having a high school aged child makes me feel old, none of that really matters to her.

    I want to share one thing that I shared with her last week about the start of high school: Make high school about high school. 

    • High school isn’t about preparing for the next thing. It’s about today.
    • It’s not about picking a career. Very few 18 year olds know what they want to do for a career. Very few 35 year olds seem to know, either. Chill about a career. 
    • It’s not about prepping a resume for college. Being really busy and joining 5 clubs and volunteering 1000 hours isn’t going to help you get into a top school. We’re more interested in “college fit” than some stupid number in a magazine anyway. 
    • It’s not about learning job skills. You’ll have decades to work on that. 
    • Your school might require “professional attire” but don’t make high school about preparing for a profession. And if you end up doing a profession you love, you’ll wear what you need to wear and love it. 

    High School is About High School

    Do stuff just because.

    Try new things.

    Do something you love and something you hate.

    Push yourself to learn and let grades take care of themselves.

    Learn how you learn.

    Learn how to study.

    And learn how to get by without studying…

    Complain. Rage against the machine. Dream about making things better.

    Understand that the best parts of high school aren’t even in the classroom, don’t miss the good stuff.

    Make really good friends.

    Waste time with them.

    Laugh until you snort.

    Make friends that you’re OK laughing so hard that you aren’t even embarrassed that you snort.

    Chillax

    Don’t worry about us, we’ll worry about you enough for both of us.

    Don’t worry about college, you’re on the right path.

    Just chillax. Enjoy.

    If you make high school about preparing for adult life or trying to get into the “best school” than you’ll miss out on something great.

    Make high school about high school.

    Enjoy it.

    Get after it.

    Don’t devalue today by making high school about tomorrow.

    You’ll be glad you did.

    Mr. Keating sums this up pretty well…

  • Stoney

    Stoney

    Perhaps no 6 characters have been harder to type than the 6 characters of the title of this blog post.

    Earlier today, Kristen and I took our much beloved dog, Stoney, to the vet to be put to sleep.

    We were a mess.

    I couldn’t even speak. It was completely the right thing to do, to end his suffering, but it hurt too much for words to come out of our mouths.

    They quickly ushered the bawling couple with the barely-able-to-walk dog out of the waiting room and into an examination room. Prepared for our arrival they’d laid a nice blanket down on the floor. After a couple sniffs Stoney laid down one last time.

    We were a mess.

    An absolute proper mess. The lady asked me something about money and I just handed her my debit card.

    Truth be told, it’s after 2 AM and I’m still a snotty mess. I keep expecting him to bump against my feet under my desk or let out a deep sigh or push open the living room door to remind me to go to bed.

    Stoney has been constantly at our side for the past ten years. It’s hard to even know what to do without him, he’s such a part of our daily lives.

    I grew up hearing the phrase, “Man’s best friend.” And you know what? I am feeling the loss of a best friend right now.

    The past few weeks have been gut wrenching. At our last trip to the vet she let me know that Stoney was in very bad health. He had a heart murmur and at his age that likely meant he had heart disease. We could run some tests but at nearly 13 years old there wasn’t much we could do.

    Leaving that day I had no concept of how fast the disease would take over. Over the past few weeks he went from being short of breath and a little bit slower to taking 20 minutes just to go one block.

    By Sunday, he couldn’t get up the stairs into the house after going potty and he stopped eating. These were both our agreed upon indicators that it’d be time to let him go.

    The older kids were already aware of what was going on… that the time was getting near. We didn’t want it to be a shock to them. When I made the appointment on Monday I let each of them know. We explained it to Jackson, but he’s 4 and it’s really hard to understand. I’m 39 and sometimes death doesn’t make sense to me either.

    Then, after school, we all got on the floor with Stoney and spent some time giving him love and sharing stories about him… I’m so glad we did that.

    Tonight, not really sure what else to do with myself, I made this video. It means a lot to me.

    This dog has been so much more than a dog to our family.

    We will, eventually, be fine.

    But for today we are experiencing the loss.

  • The Cost of Thriving

    The Cost of Thriving

    As youth workers we are people in transition.

    • The teenagers we serve are often in transition
    • The churches where we work are often in transition
    • Therefore we become people engulfed by transition

    A net result of this tribal transitionalism among youth workers is that there always seems to be more people looking for jobs in youth ministry than there are actual jobs in youth ministry worth having.

    Simple supply and demand means that even though the youth worker has usually mastered a role that very few people are equipped [or actually want] to have in a local church– they are usually paid less because there are more hyper-qualified people than great jobs.

    “You don’t do this for the money” they say.

    And that’s true. But if you’re going to stay in youth ministry for a career you’re going to, at some point, need to stop struggling and have access to the resources you’ll need to succeed.

    The Cost of Not Thriving

    Here’s the simple reality. If you’re just surviving, you ain’t thriving, and you won’t last.

    • A cheap apartment will work for a while.
    • A crappy car is charming for a while.
    • Being around people with disposable income while you’re thinking of re-using disposable diapers is OK… for a while.
    • Watching your high school friends talk about stuff they are doing on Facebook that you can’t do is cool for a while.
    • Not going to grad school is going to be fine for a while.
    • Getting handouts, hand-me-downs, and generous gifts for your kids will be awesome for a while.
    • Your spouse will be fine with your work hours for a while.
    • Not having real hobbies or friends will work for you for a while.
    • You can convince yourself that you’re making everyday sacrifices for Kingdom reasons for a while.
    • Changing jobs so much that you’ve perpetually got 2 weeks of vacation will work for a while.
    • Not having a decent budget to work with is manageable for a while.
    • Not being supported or appreciated is alright for a while.

    But here’s what I know. The cost of not thriving catches up to you.

    A long list of my friends eventually gave up on vocational youth ministry. They’ve moved into the marketplace or other church roles– or more commonly– “felt called to plant a church” which is a place where they could have some say in:

    The hours.

    The pay.

    The expectations.

    See– the cost of not thriving for their family meant the long-term cost vs. benefit analysis of perpetually struggling and dealing with job insecurity just stopped making sense. Given the choice between living and thriving, people pick thriving every time.

    “I did all of the right stuff for all of those years and after all of this my family is struggling in several different ways.” So they moved on to something else.

    Not something less, something else.

    Stop Calculating Cost of Living

    The next time you’re in transition– looking for a new job or talking to a church about coming on their team– forget calculating the cost of living. For some reason researching the cost of living leads to churches offering you a package of salary and benefits that’s just wedged between terrible and tolerable.

    But if you want to be in this for the long haul? You’ll need to figure out the cost of thriving.

    And you know what? That might not even be about money. It might be about work flexibility or working from home or flex time or more paid time off or the church paying for more of your housing or grad school or a better conference budget.

    Say no to calculating your cost of living.

    Say yes to calculating your cost of thriving.

  • What’s your stress ball?

    What’s your stress ball?

    There’s no reason to sugar coat it. The past few weeks have been full of stress.

    On top of a normally busy season, work-wise, there have a been a few unexpected curve balls thrown my way.

    I’m OK.

    I’m going to be fine.

    In fact, none of the things causing additional stress are actually bad. So don’t freak out on me or get imaginative about what these stress points might be. A couple are very, very good. But lots of things are happening at once and the simple truth is I’m under a lot of pressure. It’s the kind of pressure you can feel run through your veins– adrenaline, anxiety, fear, excitement, fatigue, on and on. That’s a new and unwelcome feeling for me.

    The result is I’m not at my best. Which frustrates me and causes stress all it’s own because I pride myself at being at my best during crunch time.

    But I’m not sleeping well.

    I’m fighting to stay in a somewhat healthy routine.

    And with a lot to juggle I have a very hard time– concentration-wise– knowing what to do right now, what to do next, and what should wait until later.

    Share Your Tips

    This actually isn’t normal for me so I don’t have a big bag of tricks for coping. I continue to do things like regular walks at night, shorter walks or errands to clear my head throughout the day, staying hydrated, taking time off during the weekends for rest and recreation… stuff like that.

    But that leaves me where I’m at today, needing ideas. What do you do to take care of yourself when you’re under a lot of pressure or stress? Share your tips in the comments.