• Sober Judgment

    Photo by Cayusa via Flickr (Creative Commons)

    For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. Romans 12:3

    I struggle with this verse. Paul makes it sound so easy and appealing. Because it ultimately is. However, culture– even Christian culture– tells you to rewrite Paul’s words like this:

    “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, gloss over the bad stuff and judge your life with beer goggles, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Romans 12:3, the way I want it to read.

    A fail is funny and losing is winning

    Paul’s phrase, sober judgment, is difficult. It involves looking at the hard realities of the goals we have for ourselves and measuring that against the results our life has produced. Sober judgment is deeply honest. A win is a win and a loss is a loss.

    Judging yourself with beer goggles is so much easier. It involves laughing everything off and believing the lie that failure is funny and winning is somehow losing. The crowd tells you, “That’s OK, everyone fails” to make you feel better. But before long their empathetic response becomes your justification.

    Applying Sober Judgment

    Sober judgment involves staring into the mirror at reality. It means is that somewhere in your life you measuring with real math, setting actual goals, and being corrected along the way.

    Are you measuring up against your goals? Are you honest with yourself on what needs to change? And are you willing to take corrective action so that you can celebrate real success instead of the success of merely incremental failure?

  • The role of adolescent consent in parenting

    Kristen and I now officially see the precipise on our horizon.

    Megan, our oldest child, turned 10 yesterday. Within a few years we will be in the thick of adolescence. (And all of the parents I’ve worked with over the years will simple laugh. Not a polite giggle. An evil laugh because now I will know the terror they have gone through!)

    OK, not quite that dramatic. But change is definitely on the horizon for our family. And we know we’ll have to adjust our parenting skills as Megan enters into this new developmental stage.

    I recently read an article in Psychology Today that gives a high-level look at how parenting needs to adjust as you shift from having “a kid” to having “an emerging adolescent.”

    Thus, offensive though it may feel, the resistant adolescent’s words of advice to his parent have a ring of truth: “Get used to it!” Come the teenage years, compliance with parental authority is less automatic. This is why it’s easier to parent the dependent-minded child than it is the independent-minded adolescent. The harder “half” of parenting comes last.

    The formula for obedience to parental authority is simply this: command + consent = compliance. Parental authority is not automatic or absolute. It is not a matter of parents being able to control adolescent choices; it’s a matter of controlling their own choices in ways that allow them assert influence. And this takes work, working for consent.

    Consent can be secured by a variety of parental approaches – declaring your need for cooperation, making a serious and firm request, attaching consequences to compliance or noncompliance, repeated insistence to show you mean business, explaining reasons that are persuasive, negotiating a deal to get what you want.

    Read the rest

    I think it’s important for us to focus on the long-term goal. We want our kids to develop into strong, independent adults. In their relationships, we want them to have healthy, happy, and simple adult relationships.

    So, as we enter the precipice of the next 10 years, we are going to try to keep a long-lens on things. We know in the granular, day-to-day grind, that won’t be easy. And as soon as I wrote that down and looked back at it my youth pastor self said to my parent self, “Uh huh.”

    Parents of adolescents: Is the Psychology Today article on-point? Or do you just try to muscle your authority over your children through middle/high school?

  • iPad 2 vs. Kindle review & comparison

    iPad 2

    Pros:

    • Fun to play with.
    • Feel cool in coffee shops.
    • Lots of apps.
    • Perfect for consuming media.
    • Fun for taking short notes, like a giant iPhone.
    • Light, battery lasts a long time, shiny.
    • Lots of apps for kids to play with. (Or entertainment for bored adults on planes)

    Cons:

    • Not going to pay AT&T more money for 3G service, so stuck finding wifi.
    • You can’t read books on this and keep your eyeballs happy.
    • Where did the SD card reader go?
    • You can’t write for a long time on this, need to buy the external keyboard.
    • It’s too heavy/awkward to hold for long periods of time.
    • The camera stinks compared to the iPhone 4.
    • Completely useless in bright light.

    Kindle

    Pros:

    • $139 or less, great entry price.
    • Almost all of the classics are free. And I adore the Kindle Single format.
    • Very light, easy to hold for a long time while reading.
    • Doesn’t feel fragile.
    • The screen is amazing, doesn’t hurt your eyes and you can read it in full sunlight.

    Cons:

    • A lot more money for the 3G version. While doesn’t include a contract, it’s steep.
    • It would be nice to listen to music while you read, I can’t figure out how to do that.
    • Needs a backlight option so I can read in bed without turning on a light.
  • I play for keeps

    I keeps it real. And I play for keeps.

    It’s easy to be in ministry and lose sight of the big and obvious stuff. Such as, “Why the heck do I even do all of this anyway?

    So much of the actual task in youth ministry feels like that of a cruise director. When you lose sight of the bigger picture you start to evaluate by the evidence… Are people having a good time when they are around me? Are they showing up? Do they leave satisfied? Do they like being around me? Do they laugh at my jokes?

    I’ve found those to be shallow evaluation tools. Those are like eating a Twinkie when your body is craving protein. It leaves you feeling temporarily full but hungry and unsatisfied quickly.

    That’s why I say that I play for keeps. Youth ministry is meaningless without evangelism and discipleship at its core. Those two things are ultimately what I’m about in youth ministry. And as much as I like silly games, worship music, and road trips… I don’t do it for that.

    This ain’t the Love Boat, friends. This stuff is for real.

    (more…)

  • I keeps it real

    Let my life be true.

    That sums up my relational strategy with friends, co-workers, and family.

    I keeps it real.

    There’s a tendency among ministry folks to put a happy face on everything. Or worse yet to try to put a leadership face on everything. While I appreciate the desire to try to put on a tough exterior the fakeness they exude often makes the insecurity and deep hurt bubble to the surface even more.

    In order to keep it real you don’t have to wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t misread that. But somewhere you need to take off that tough exterior to reveal the scared, goofy kid you are.

    Let’s face it– No one in leadership deserves to be there. None of us is more qualified than anyone else. God often puts us in situations where we are in way, often WAY over our heads. While we shouldn’t try to lead from a position of fear… we can’t hide behind our defense mechanisms all the time. Instead, we need to lead from a place of security in who we are and who God wants us to be.

    Keeping it real isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s shows you understand you are in the shadow of the Great leader.

    Longevity tip: Find a group of friends who you can keeps it real with.

    Taking it a step further: I’d love to see a movement of young leaders who commit to one another, “I keeps it real.”

    In a world full of fakes the people are dying for Christian leaders who keep it real.

  • Rejecting the rejection of community life

    In the mid-20th century architects like Mies van der Rohe envisioned simplicity and wholeness in urban centers. Into the chaos of the city their residential designs sought to bring wholeness and community. (For reference, see Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle.) They attempted to convince residents that an amazing community life could be had within just a short walk or bus ride from the office, the market, church, or anywhere else you’d need to go.

    This sense of urban holism was central to the phrase van der Rohe is now known for, “God is in the details.” In the chaos of our daily life, when we slow down to notice the small things, we notice God everywhere.

    Urban holism was largely rejected in the late 1960s and 1970s. When racial tensions, riots, crime, and violence increased in urban environments most population centers like Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Detroit, and Philadelphia experienced a new residential phenomenon– suburbanization. (Or the more loaded term, white flight.)

    Suburbanization completely changed the landscape of American culture. It was a rejection of community life and an embrace of individualism. Explore just about any 1970s suburban development and you will see the contrast from urban life. Instead of communities built around common spaces like parks, markets, and clusters of people who knew one another, homes were constructed like fortresses and oasis for the individual family. The front porch became a façade. The double garage doors became a gate. The home itself was designed for privacy and experiences of the outdoors lead to a fenced backyard. Words that sold these houses were privacy, seclusion, safety. The master bedroom overlooked a spacious backyard of grass. The kitchen window looked into the backyard where mom could watch her kids play on their very own playset in the safety of their encampment, in complete opposition to the community life they experienced as children.

    You had to get into the car to go to the market, to school, to church, or just about anywhere. No longer did city planners include mixed-use development zones, it was Residential zoning on one side of the freeway and Commercial on the other. At the same time, people greatly increased their travel time to work. Instead of a walk or short bus ride, people took to newly created expressways to travel from newly formed suburbs named after forests in England to the dangerous, cold city for work.

    Instead of God being in the details our cars became our gods. As people spent hours and hours alone commuting to and from work or driving our kids from one activity outside of their neighborhood to another. The American Dream was reshaped from opportunity for a better life to opportunity for a better car or bigger, more private home.

    The net result was a complete rejection of life in community with one another. For centuries humans formed community with those they lived near. Now we form communities with people we like and are like us. The acquisition of things overtook the desire to acquire friendships or do what is best for our community.

    It was a dramatic demarkation from van der Rohe’s philosophy.

    Enter new urbanization. Through the 1990s and into today, children raised in the suburbs have stumbled upon centuries old principles of community living.  There is now a reinvigoration of urban living and a rediscovery of community life. (And even adaptations like urban farming.) Initially, this movement wrought havoc on urban communities, bringing gentrification. But in recent years more careful planning has largely kept money-hungry developers from gobbling up cheap property to flip from the urban poor to the yuppy.

    It’s a form of a rejection of individualism. (Or some would say a fulfillment of individualism.) As they seek community in the city they want to affirm their individuality by placing themselves into a complex ecosystem of community where their skills, passions, and ideas have value. The mainstream, suburban-focused, marketing-driven mindset of their parents struggles to understand why their children reject a comfortable, safe life in the suburbs for the chaos of the city. The news media looks at the increased ridership of public transportation and double-digit sales increases of bicycles and blames this on the price of gas. In their eyes, it could never be that people don’t want to have their own cars that they sit in for lonely hours on their way to offices full of people they don’t like.

    That’s exactly what it is. One generation looks at the failure of the generation of their parents and choses another path. That’s the nature of pendulum swings. We go from one wild extreme to the next. And in the process power (and the money that follows) swings wildly from corporate megacenters of suburban idealism to mom/pop shops where community-feel and small town ideals leads to parting with dollars.

    Questions for church leaders:

    1. Do you agree or disagree with this premise that people in America are shifting from a suburban mindset to more of a community mindset?
    2. How are you seeing this trend play out in your area?
    3. How does this impact your church?
    4. What are areas of the church where people currently say, “God is in the details?
    5. How does this impact your definition of community life within your congregation?
    6. Where do you find fear in this trend? Where do you find hope?
  • Love God, Cheat on Tests

    If you believe in a loving, compassionate God you are more likely to cheat than people who believe in an angry, punitive God. This is according to a new study released called, “Mean Gods Make Good People: Different Views of God Predict Cheating Behavior” and covered in the April 30th edition of the L.A. Times.

    In line with many previous studies, it found no difference between the ethical behavior of believers and nonbelievers. But those who believed in a loving, compassionate God were more likely to cheat than those who believed in an angry, punitive God.

    “The take-home message is not whether you believe in God, but what God you believe in,” said Azim Shariff, a psychologist at the University of Oregon. Shariff conducted the study with psychologist Ara Norenzayan, who had been his doctoral advisor at the University of British Columbia.

    Read the rest

    More and more research is being done that youth workers need to unpack and adapt their philosophy of ministries to. There are studies like this, many of them, which show that Christian students aren’t altogether more moral than their non-Christian peers. (They cheat as much, sleep around as much, get in as many fights, etc.) And there are studies like Christian Smith’s work out of Notre Dame which shows that youth group graduates often believe in a god but not necessarily the God of the Bible. (Something he labels moralistic therapeutic deism.) and the Fuller Youth Institute’s Sticky Faith study which will be published later this year. (Based on what I’ve seen/heard from FYI, there seems to be some strong correlations between certain types of ministry/parenting skills and a successful transition from middle adolescent faith development to adult faith.)

    Here’s what we do know:

    • There are plenty of people in America who worship the God they want to believe in instead of the God of the Bible. The first sentence delineates between a punitive God and a compassionate God. In truth, God reveals himself in the Bible as both. While we can’t fully define God with our finite minds, God has shown us that He possesses moral and non-moral attributes, the fullness of which we struggle to grasp.
    • While freedom from bondage to sin is part of the sanctification process, it is not the means nor main point of salvation through Jesus Christ. There’s a difference between being bought and paid for and going on to live a moral life. Christians believe there will be many, many good people in hell. Being good doesn’t make you any more a believer in Christ for salvation than being a Cubs fan makes you eternally optimistic. Somewhere along the way how we are teaching adolescents is leading them to believe that a life with Jesus means we can be happy sinners.
    • Much of our evangelical “nice” culture isn’t changing culture as much as its leaders would like to believe it is. I’ve never met a youth pastor who would admit that her students would cheat on test as much or more than their peers. They will always defer and say, “Not my kids.
    • Something in what we are teaching is awry if it doesn’t lead to high moral standards. While the point of a life with Christ isn’t to have flawless morals… it truly should be the by-product of a life sold out for Jesus! I don’t know what is going wrong, but somewhere, something is lost in translation.
    • Followers look up to their leaders. They behave the way their leaders do and they model their lives after them. So these studies also reveal something deeply wrong and disturbing about church leadership. We each must examine ourselves and ask difficult questions, seeking accountability. How is it that our leadership is leading to a belief that it is OK to lie, cheat, and act immoral?
  • The Receptionist has left the building

    Fair warning: There are naughty words in this video not approved by your mother.

    Travis Betz (guy in the video) and I are two guys from the same high school both living in California and chasing slightly different dreams. I’m working at Youth Specialties, equipping and encouraging youth workers, Travis is making twisted little independent films.

    Travis was one year behind me but we were involved in a lot of the same stuff in school so we crossed paths a bit. If I remember correctly we were both in show choir and some musicals together. [Jazz hands!] I’ll let you make assumptions about a high school that produced both a guy who makes independent horror flicks and a guy who spends most of his time thinking about church stuff. There are some strange correlations.

    Yesterday was Travis’ last day at his day job where he worked as a receptionist. For the last five years he’s combined the relative boredom of answering phones with his passion for making movies, putting together some amazingly fun stuff in a YouTube series called, The Receptionist.

    So here’s to you Travis. Chase those dreams, baby.

  • Dealing with streakiness in the creative process

    I’m finishing my seventh year of daily blogging on May 25th. Over the past 2,555 days I’ve written 3,523 posts or about 2,000,000 words. Nearly every day over the past 2,555 days I have sat down at my computer and written something that was worth my time in the moment.

    Streaks

    So what has changed since 2004? An o-crap-this-better-not-suck-amount of people read what I write every day. And the amount that each post gets shared, tweeted, and emailed around is completely determined by the remark-ability of what I write. In some ways it is a self-created pressure cooker.

    It’s fun that the process doesn’t change but the response does. I have no ability to predict the outcome of each post. There are weeks or even months where my blog experiences a hot streak. Everything I write gets lots of feedback. (Even the stuff that sucks.) Conversely, there are weeks or months when nothing really happens to my posts. I just write and that’s it.

    Many days I press “publish” and I anticipate a massive response to something that seems brilliant to me but nothing happens. Then there are days when I write something flippantly and publish it with almost no thought and it explodes and goes viral.

    Same process. Same style. Different response.

    Some might find that infuriating or that it frustrates the process. Not me. I find it fascinating.

    The creative life

    Everyone claims to have been a Seinfeld fan all along. But, in the moment, the most popular way to talk about Seinfeld was that most people didn’t find it nearly as funny as the people in New York said it was. Seinfeld didn’t really become funny for most people until it hit syndication because when it was fresh they didn’t get it.

    Chances are that Shakespeare’s favorite piece wasn’t Romeo and Juliet. It was just what became most popular. The same is probably true with Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea or Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. Sometimes for a creative what takes off is not what they have the most fun doing.

    Response to creativity is always streaky and unpredictable.

    So here’s a tip: If you want to write, just write. Don’t worry about the response too much. Just write, write, and write some more. Ultimately, you are the audience.