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Stardate 73714.2: Eighteenth day of social distancing

Is this a cruel joke? Are you all having fun and living life and just convinced those around me to participate in a grand ruse? A few months ago I had Jackson convinced that he was the star of Jackson TV, a 24/7/365 TV show about his life. Sadly I think both are false. Today I watched a man stand in front of a lectern and on live television try to convince us that he is doing a fine job despite the fact that, if we are lucky, he estimates only twice as many Americans will die in the coming weeks from his mismanagement of COVID-19 than were killed in action during the entire Vietnam War. We are supposed to congratulate him that millions more didn’t also die? I realize that’s not funny, you came here for funny, but we cannot make light of what happened today. In lighter news, the Pingüinos are safe. Everyone in McLandia is healthy and fine. Megan started her classes again, at dinner we had a good laugh about the out of state students who are paying $60,000 a year to attend online classes. Some international students are attending class in the middle of the night in their time zones, hardly what they were envisioning when they cheated on their English proficiency exams to get in. I really love jelly beans. Not as much as coffee but I’m really liking them. Don’t buy the imitation ones, either. Generic ones taste like sugary wax and Jelly Belly’s are just trying to hard. The only real ones are from Brachs. But before you buy them you have to check for freshness by squeezing them. Don’t do this with Peeps, they are always fresh. But for Brachs jelly beans it is essential to make sure they are fresh. I’m enjoying this documentary about Margaret Atwood. Not as much as Kristen is, but she is a fascinating treasure of a woman. I wonder if she thinks Carole Baskins fed her husband to a tiger? I wonder if she liked Tiger King? I wonder what her guilty pleasure is? I hope it’s MMA. Tonight we had BBQ. I wish we had tacos. 

Current body temperature: 98.1
Rolls of toilet paper: Plenty but not too much. 
Number of times I touched my face: Lots
Supplies: We are doing well.
Dollars received from the government: 0 of 3400
Social distancing grade: A-

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Stardate 73708.8: Sixteenth day of social distancing

So let me get this straight. By mid-April the government is sending us all $1200? But today they announced we are supposed to stay locked up in our homes until the end of April? People are going to lose their minds! And I’m here for it. All of it. We’ve gone from watching reality shows on TV to the government turning 327 million Americans into reality show contestants, all broadcast for free on Zoom. In related news, pot shops and gun shops are both considered “essential services”. So they are open here in San Diego County. Did you know that out in El Cajon they’ve got a gun shop that also sells liquor? Right there on Magnolia. Not too far from the leaning tower of froyo on Broadway. Only in El Cajon can you swing by the yogurt shop (cash only) right after you loaded up on guns & liquor. If you do it in reverse order and get your gun and liquor first, the froyo is free! El Cajon is a special, special place. Here in McLandia we had a quiet Sunday. I continued my domestic duties by baking a fine loaf of onion sourdough bread and making curtains for the building in the backyard formerly known as my Tiny Office. I hummed songs from the Sound of Music the whole time because when Julie Andrews grows up she wants to be just like me, just with more freedom of movement. [Think about that one and get back to me. It’s funny.] My fellow Clay Middle School alumni would be proud. Somehow making a pillow case in 7th grade Home Economics prepared me to make curtains 30 years later. My sister-in-law Gwen got Kristen a sewing machine for Christmas probably 20 years ago. Kristen has never once used it but I’ve used it quite a bit. Thanks Gwen! At first I liked Dr. Fauci. But I’m sick of seeing him. I’m kind of sick of hearing news about COVID-19, though I think we’re still going to be talking about it in a few months. If I were Dr. Fauci’s agent I’d be shopping a book by Dr. Fauci for high school graduates called, “Oh, The Places You Can’t Go!” It could be about prom and homecoming and baseball games and everything else fun outside of your home. Sixteen days into this thing and I’m still telling dad jokes. Pray for my children. I’ve also taken up bad dad dancing. It’s good exercise and it serves as a daily reminder to my kids that one day, when shaking hands won’t kill them, I’d like for them to move out of my house so Kristen and I can move to Mexico and start a goat farm overlooking the Pacific ocean. You can laugh all you want but that’s my dream. 

Current body temperature: 97.4
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.2 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: Probably more than Dr. Fauci would like me to.
Supplies: Plenty of delicious stuff
Number of dollars sent to me by the government: 0 of $3400
Social distancing grade: A

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Stardate 73706.1: Fifteenth day of social distancing

Oooo… we’re halfway the-ere. Woo ohhh. Livin’ on a prayer. Thank you 90s hottie. 15 days down, 15 to go? I hope so. The news on this virus was terrible today. Terrifying really. NY is a week ahead of us. Good Lord it could be bad here. Meanwhile in Rolando we can’t manage to keep people out of the park? Stop playing basketball! Playing basketball is not social distancing. Here in McLandia we are all healthy, the box of Pingüinos fully sealed, Kristen and Adam are still managing to keep everyone alive. I’m alternating between watching the British Baking Show and Tiger King. I’d kind of like to see Joe Exotic make a pavlova. I kept myself busy today with a little garage project, installing new LED lights so I can use the desk in there if I need to. It’s not that I don’t like working next to Jackson all day. I adore him. But he never stops talking and that makes it difficult to actually work from home. Plus, i think Minecraft is dumb. There, i said it. So instead of sitting next to him I’ll now have the option to work next to the water heater. $650,000 in real estate and I get to work next to a water heater. Isn’t adulthood grand? In other news, the 500 seeds we planted last weekend are starting to pop up. We will soon have a tiny forest of summer veggies available at a driveway near you for just $3 each. We are keeping surprisingly busy while we wait full quarantine. This March has lived up to its moniker. 

Current body temperature: 98.0
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.2 cases
Number of times I touched my face: A lot
Supplies: Supplies are solid and stores are replenished
Dollars received from the government: $0 of $3400 
Social distancing grade: A