Adam McLane

Stardate 73700.6
Thirteenth day of social distancing 

I don’t care about coronavirus anymore. Just please make it stop raining. RIP to Spring Break 2020. We never knew you. Our kids have this idea that kind of makes sense to me. What if all of society just agreed that Monday is January 1st, 2020? What if we all just agreed that the past 90 days sucked and let’s do it over? Deal? Deal. Happy New Years! 

Current body temperature: 97.9
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.4 cases 
Number of times I touched my face today? So many times. I touched my face on camera in front of 180 people, too. 
Supplies: We need to go to Costco tomorrow. Pray for us. 
Social distancing grade: C-

We did it, America. We figured out how to get the news to shut up about the election. And we’ve solved school shootings for the year. And we’ve ended homeschool jokes once and for all. And we’ve nearly solved carbon emissions. No one is complaining about bike lanes anymore. All we had to do was lock 50% of the population in their homes for a few weeks with a couple cases of toilet paper and bottled water. Of course, people getting sick and the tragic deaths aren’t funny at all. But what home confinement is doing to us is kind of ironic. We’re social beings and we’re finding our ways. Tomorrow Marko and I are hosting a church service for youth worker friends. When we kicked this idea around I thought it’d be small and quirky, maybe a couple dozen of our friends. Almost 300 people have signed up. Hope it doesn’t suck. We’re calling it Church for Youth Workers but today when I was gardening I laughed at the thought of calling it Our Lady of Unlimited Data or maybe First Baptist Church of Zoom. It’s hard to wrap my mind around our Senate voting to spend $2 trillion tonight. I live in a neighborhood that can’t find money to pave roads but over in Washington Steve Mnuchin swung by his office at the Treasury Department tonight, logged into some old Windows NT desktop, and added a couple zeros to our nations bank account. I don’t know how it works but I do know Daddy Warbucks is sending me $3400 just for being alive. I’ll take it. Speaking of miracles, Gavin Newsom, who is apparently our governor now, said I don’t have to pay my mortgage for the next three months and there’s nothing Wells Fargo can do about it. The way I see it the longer we all decide to stay home and not eat our Pinguinos the more money they are going to send us. All we have to do is hang tight 6 more months and the government will keep sending us checks. Take that Boomers! This Gen Xer is officially retired. 

Current body temperature: 98.1
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.5 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: 709,033
Supplies: My sourdough is growing, so technically we have more food than yesterday. Less cookies though. 
Social distancing grade: A (did I leave the house today!?!?!)

Megan had a good point tonight. If COVID-19 doesn’t get us, diabetes might. We really need to slow down on the desserts. Have you seen your inbox? I had no idea all these companies cared so much about me. My health insurance company just sent me an email that said, “We’re in this together for the health and safety of all.” When my health insurance went up more than 25% this year I sure didn’t feel like we were in this together. Kaiser Permanente? More like ripping my Kaiser off Permanently. I know that this whole social distancing thing is supposed to be boring but I’m not bored. I don’t think I’ve had a day off in the last 2.5 weeks and I don’t really see one in sight. I wake up pouring over legislative news and right now it’s 10:12 PM Pacific time and I’m still monitoring a live feed from the Senate floor. Plot twist: They’re doing nothing. Megan and I went out to the grocery story today. We’ll find out if we lived in 14 days. Our local Vons has changed the entire set-up of the store. There’s only one way in and one way out. You enter and get a freshly sanitized cart… I licked it just because. And when you go to the checkout line they have a red line now that you can’t cross by threat of death and dismemberment until the cart in front of you has properly checked out. It might have taken a pandemic to fix Vons but Vons is fixed. No one ate the Pinguinos in our house but I’m hearing it’s getting close. 

Current body temperature: 98.4
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.5 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: A lot
Supplies: Today we added sherbet, mint chocolate chip ice cream, mini drumsticks, and ice cream cookies.
Social distancing grade: B

Addendum: The Senate, White House, and House Democrats just reached a $2 trillion deal.

The guy from Junior Achievement in 5th grade was wrong. He said that if I didn’t give people a firm handshake that I’d never make it in this world. Nope. Because shaking hands in 2020 is bad. Everyone knows it. It spreads disease. But at least I got to keep the Junior Achievement pen. The only thing I remember about Junior Achievement is the pen. That guy taught us how to assemble pens in an assembly line. Sure seems like working an assembly line to build pens is the opposite of achievement? I should let it go. I’ve only held that since 5th grade. Felt good to get that off my chest. Why didn’t I buy stock in Zoom in February? I thought about it but then I forgot. Also wish I’d sold my stock in the airlines like all the Members of Congress did back in February. Maybe I should just run for Congress? They have better health insurance than me, too. In all seriousness I’m proud of the people who are taking this seriously. Social distancing is indeed the opposite of social Darwinism. Today the mayor of San Diego got on TV and closed the beaches and parks and threatened $1000 fines for going surfing. Without parks and beaches San Diego basically became a really expensive version of Bakersfield. On April 1st I’m going to login to my Wells Fargo account and pay the mortgage on a house with a San Diego address but is basically Bakersfield. Thanks for that Kevin Faulconer. Nice April Fools joke, Kevin. All jokes aside things in McLandia are just fine. We’re all falling into a rhythm. We miss our friends. We miss the daily influx of guest dogs. We miss Scout and Shanti and Roger. I miss people the most. I mean, I hope my family doesn’t get sick. I hope when this is all over no one gets to eat that box of Pinguinos. And if they do? I hope the worst thing that happens to them is an upset stomach from eating too many Pinguinos. 

Current body temperature: 97.7
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.6 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: A million
Supplies: I meant to make sourdough bread tonight. But then I didn’t. 
Social Distancing grade: A

Did you know that in San Diego County men are twice as likely to get COVID-19 as women? Bet I know why, too. Men suck at hygiene. But not me. I now wash my hands for Pledge of Allegiance seconds like a good American boy any time I think I might have touched something. We’re healthy here in McLandia. That box of Pinguinos still remains unopened. The champagne bottle remains corked. Adam and Kristen– married at 21, with 3 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, and 5 chickens. We are all alive and well in America’s Finest City. Speaking off, they closed the parking lots at the beaches and parks today because the Zonies gonna Zona and party at our beaches anyway. For real? Arizona ruins everything. Please, if you came for Spring Break go ahead Venmo me all your money (Adam-McLane-2) and kindly go home. Come back in July, please! My standard for watching things on TV is so low right now that I can’t tell you what I watched today. Somewhere between LivePD and Season 17 of Jeopardy. I’ll watch anything even mildly entertaining at this point. Today our neighbors led a tiny rebellion and had a miniature, socially distanced, alcohol-free, taste test of the Rolando Street Fair over on the boulevard. I take that back. A neighbor gave the band a beer served to them via a 10 foot pole. It was wonderfully Rolando and my heart needed that. If the cops ask I wasn’t there. It was Doug Lister, I swear. Other than that I sold some more plants. People with children like milkweed, just so you know. Kristen and I also planted nearly 500 new seedlings because we have nothing else to do with our time. Seriously, how cool would it be to see 3,000 Rolando neighbors have a vegetable garden this year? I’d give myself an award if we can make that happen. One family who bought plants today had a 3 year old daughter who really, really wanted to get close to me or maybe even touch my leg. So we kind of played tag while her mom shopped and asked questions and I was a big meanie because I didn’t let her catch me, much to her mothers amusement. After a couple minutes of this her very strong daddy put her back on his shoulders for the long walk back to Aragon Drive. Let’s face it, if she did touch me I’d have to take another shower and I don’t like to shower more than once a day and I’m conditioned to writing long sentences and worrying about our water bill and I’d already showered and if I shower too often my skin dries out and everything is itchy and if I’m itchy than I’ll start to think I’m sick and if I think I’m getting sick I’m pretty sure I’ll actually get sick because I won’t be able to sleep. And sleeping, I’m convinced, helps you not get COVID-19. Did you know men are twice as likely to get it than women? I think it’s because men have bad hygiene. 

Current body temperature: 98.7
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.6
Supplies: Low on cookies.
Social distancing grade: B- (Worth it, Rolando!)

Today I waved at a passing helicopter. For real. I was a little sad when they didn’t wave back. Maybe they did and I just blinked? And when people came over to buy plants today I resisted the sudden urge to hug them. Speaking of the plant sale. There’s nothing more wonderfully hilarious than people trying to pay you for plants though. “I’ll just leave this on the table.” I mean, money is dirty, but whatever. I’ll take it. Gimme that dirty coronavirus money! Heck, I sold a lot today so I plan on doing it again tomorrow. What else am I going to do? And we started a few hundred new seeds this afternoon just in case the government collapses. Tomorrow was supposed to be the 24th annual Rolando Street Fair. Sandi Grossman Buehner made it look easy… I mean, she never postponed the street fair and I had to postpone the blasted thing in my first year. So yeah, I suck because taking on the street fair somehow unleashed a global pandemic. My bad. I can’t think of the last time I touched someone outside of my family. It’s weird, in normal life you socially touch people all the time, and now I feel like if I accidentally shake someone’s hand I should get a ticket. Or run for Vice President. How are you supposed to greet people now? I notice some people are bumping elbows but I find myself touching my heart… like I do when I greet the Muslim women at school. I rather like that, it feels more natural than bumping elbows. I made black beans today. If I had a Cuban mother I reckon she’d be proud of me. And why did I type “reckon”? Tonight’s update is written by Samuel Clemons apparently. I do declare. The beans were good though. I reckon. Let’s be honest that this self-quarantine thing kinda sucks. I mean, we’re all making the best of it, but you know what would be better right now? Talking about our March Madness brackets. Or the street fair tomorrow. Or my second mission trip starting today. Or shaking hands with strangers. But instead, here we are, socially isolating ourselves so we don’t eat the Pinguinos. Has anyone started to wonder if this is the opening chapter of a Zombie book? No, just me. Have I mentioned I miss people? Like a lot. 

Current body temperature: 98.2
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.7 cases 
Number of times I touched my face today: Hundreds, if not thousands.
Supplies: The cookies are going way too fast. 
Social distancing grade: A

No one ate the pinguinos today so it’s a good day in McLandia. Today marks a week since we started social distancing and it feels much longer than that. I just want to shake hands again. It’s hard to believe that a week ago I picked up Jackson from school and joked with his teacher, “See you in August.” I’m a prophet now, I guess. Today I heard that men are twice as likely to die from COVID-19 as women. So that’s cool. As someone who has worked from home the last 9 years, if I’m honest, daily life isn’t all that different. I’m actually quite a bit busier than normal. But like a normal Friday, I got an itch to be social and go out for lunch. That never happened but we did notice that people were super friendly when we walked the dogs. It’s like we’ve reversed roles on dog walks, if one human sees another we are like HI, A HUMAN! HI! HI! HI! In other news, we ordered delivery for dinner tonight and both places we ordered from had a delivery option where the person just left the food at the door and texted you to let you know it was there. It only got awkward when I needed to give one guy a cash tip. He didn’t know what to do. So I just left it there and went to wash my hands. I didn’t touch him though I wanted to give him a hug. I just washed my hands because that’s what I do when I feel awkward now. Murray, the family dog, when he feels awkward, licks himself where his testicles used to be. Let’s just be thankful I only wash my hands, OK? In other news, I’m simultaneously paying attention to the news and really feeling anxious about watching the news because I know just about everything about this virus I could possibly need to know and Anderson Cooper’s now working from home and I feel like our relationship is headed somewhere unhealthy. Let me save you the next 7 days of the news. It’s a pandemic, everyone is gonna get it. You are probably going to get it. So am I. Kristen and I are increasingly convinced we’ve already had it as Jackson’s entire school got sick with something that was kinda like the flu but wasn’t the flu. But hey, let’s stay home a few weeks, ruin everyone’s retirement account and small business, and probably get it anyway. Also, can we talk about how many people go on cruises? I had no idea until they became incubators for this virus. Cruises let you say you went cool places without actually going there. So I guess that’s a benefit. It’s the weekend. I have no idea what that means or why I need to know. Who cares if it’s Friday or Tuesday or Sunday anymore? We can’t leave our house, so like Jackson’s teacher told Kristen today, “You can decide when it’s Spring Break.” It’s going to be Spring Break for a couple months, I think. One last thing. Why did Sean Spicer from Season 1 get to ask the President a question during the press conference today? Is he still on payroll? Does he just hang out in the back of the room with Sarah Sanders and CJ Craig telling jokes and the President accidentally called on the peanut gallery? I really need to know. And can we get the Mooch back from Season 2? He was my favorite so far. 

Current body temperature: 98.3
Rolls of toilet paper: Classified. We have enough but not too much. 
Number of times I touched my face today: 42
Supplies: I opened the black beans today. No idea what I’m going to do with them, but the bag has been opened. 
Social distancing grade: A

Today was full of smiles and tears. My day started off with a conference call that brought huge smiles; my day ended with tears when the Governor issued a stay at home order. For real bro? Your wife doesn’t even believe in vaccines and you’re putting us on lockdown? In our house we are each dancing with hope and despair as recklessly as Spring Breakers in Miami Beach. For real. Send those morons back to the Big Brother set where they belong. Let’s admit that this social distancing thing is a freaking emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I find myself both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time and same sentence. Of course, I’ve lost track of time so maybe there’s enough time between them for it not to be weird? But time is weird right now. At one point I thought it was Monday and another time I thought it was Saturday. Turns out it’s Thursday. Thanks Siri. Right after the Governor told us to stay home our lone daycare dog went home. Three weeks ago we were turning away dogs left and right. Now? Kristen’s dog sitting business has gone dark. We love our regular dogs and their owners more than we love the money Kristen earns from watching them. So it the separation really hurts if I’m totally honest. Shortly after Shanti went home I took the big kids to Vons for one last hurrah in public before the Gavin Shutdown began. We bought mostly calories. Junk food like chocolate, 1 packet of tortillas, 1 loaf of bread, and 3 kinds of Oreos. Because my kids have been blessed with my dark sense of humor, they bought a Get Well Card for the first McLane Family member to get COVID-19. It says, “Breathe in. Breathe Out. Breathe Easy.” and the inside says “You’re strong enough to make it through this.” And that, boys and girls, is how the McLane’s roll. The first person to get it with a box of Pinguinos, to open the champagne, and gets the get well card. The second one to get it? They get COVID-19 and that’s it. 

Current body temperature: 98.0
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.75 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: 700 times in line at Vons. 
Supplies: We bought secret chocolate Pinguinos. 
Social distancing grade: B

Let’s start off with a question I’ve wondered all day. Should I fill out my Census 2020 questionnaire now or should I wait to see how this turns out? Just wondering. I mean, someone has to eat the Pinguinos if you catch my drift. Today I also decided that the first person to get the virus gets to open the bottle of champagne we never opened on New Years. It’ll be awkward if it’s Jackson but we won’t tell the grandparents. That makes everything better, I think. I spent nearly all of today on the phone. Not Zoom, like the cool kids doing distance learning. No, I made phone calls like a grown up faced with the realities that not working for the next two months might not mean good things for my IRA. Or my mortgage. Or my somewhat obnoxious addiction to buying food for my family to eat. Or my desire to buy a farm and raise goats for goat yoga and cheese production. That said, it was a good day of making phone calls. I think people are super nicer on the phone right now because they are just desperate for human interaction. And I’m so desperate for human interaction I’m willing to push past any social anxiety I may have to cold call a complete stranger to ask them for a favor. Kristen took the dogs for a walk this afternoon while I made phone calls. A bit later I wondered, “What is that loud noise?!” It was raining so hard the roof was whining. I left the house in our minivan and found Kristen, Jackson, Murray, and Ms. Bey a couple blocks away, completely soaked. As SoCal residents I think we’re fine with the social distancing thing, but it’s the rain that’ll end us. Late afternoon Kristen and I made our escape. We went to Starbucks… the new chairless, stay 6 feet from everyone version, and then took a walk by the the Hotel Del in Coronado. It was cold, like way too cold. So we didn’t stay long but it was really nice to be outside and remember why we pay all this money to live here. Remember outside? It’s like in the house but with fresh air, not in the house, and stuff. We returned home. We didn’t touch anyone and I didn’t put my fingers in my mouth when I wasn’t supposed to today. So today was a good day. Since time is going so slowly I have an idea. Let’s celebrate our birthday every Friday. I mean, we might not be living much longer… have you listened to the people in charge of things? I wouldn’t lend these people a phone charger much less put them in charge of public health. But I digress. We should celebrate our birthday every Friday because I figure we gotta get the good birthdays in while we can. Plus, I like cake and we have 25 lbs of flour to use up. Tonight we watched Frozen 2 and I confirmed that no, I do not want to build a snowman. 

Current body temperature: 98.1
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.75 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: At least 15 times while writing this. So not good.  
Supplies: I was promised black beans but have not yet eaten any. Do they exist? 
Social distancing grade: B+

Stardate 73676
Fourth day of social distancing

Today we took up arms against the gravitational pull of despair. We will not be bored! We will not be isolated! We will fight! Er, calm down dude, it’s only Facebook. After coffee Kristen and I settled in on a major work project. I taught her how to add items to WooCommerce and then we competed on who could do it the fastest. Kristen won. Seems to be a theme around here. I’m not a loser but I lose a lot. We decided that Jackson will do school from 9-noon each day. He was mad for long enough to remember how bored he was. Then he logged in to everything and got to work. He did as well as an extrovert stuck at home with four introverts trying to concentrate is going to do. No Jackson, I don’t want to talk right now. Tonight the governor said he didn’t think kids would be going back to school at all. So it’s summer break now? Great. I’m going to send Jackson to play at the governors house in Sacramento. After a weeks productivity squeezed into 6 hours I went to Tijuana. They have toilet paper there. That’s the story. The toilet paper is safe because there’s a direct correlation between the people hoarding toilet paper and the people who are afraid to travel to Mexico. I have a roll of toilet paper in my van for anyone who wants to know. It’s there because sometimes in Mexico you need a roll of toilet paper. Monday I went to LA. Tuesday I went to Tijuana. Wednesday I am not going anywhere. I did not touch any strangers today. I got something sticky on my hands in the grocery store in TJ. And I licked my finger. I don’t know why. I think it was sugar. Or coronavirus. I used hand sanitizer immediately afterwards. I’m probably gonna die. Also, just learned there was an infected student at UCLA. We are all gonna get it. If I get sick I’m eating those pinguinos.

Current body temperature: 97.2
Rolls of toilet paper: 2.85 cases
Number of times I touched my face today: Yes 
Supplies: We have not opened our 25 lbs of black beans or 25 lbs of flour. I don’t know why. We are down one box of Pop Tarts. 
Social distancing grade: F (finger in mouth in public place)