Tag: sarcasm

  • Ten Top 10 Lists I Don’t Want to See to End 2010

    1. Top 10 places you made out with your smoking hot wife. I know she’s a stone cold fox. But keep your special sauce under wraps, OK?
    2. Top 10 iPhone apps you used on the can. There’s a good chance your #1 app while making a #2 is Angry Birds. Oh, the irony.
    3. Top 10 Christian fiction books. When it comes to great works of Christian fiction, Joel Olsteen wins every year. He’s like C.S. Lewis with a good smile.
    4. Top 10 favorite speaking engagements. Any variation of a top 10 list which is really a brag list pretty much ticks me off.
    5. Top 10 jobs you held in 2010.
    6. Top 10 royal family moments. Someone alert the media, the United States declared independence from England. Nothing says “We don’t care” quite like a war for Independence.
    7. Top 10 reasons Brett Farve should have retired in 2010. New Orleans Saints, Miami Dolphins, New York Jets… that list is only 8 losses long. That’s a DQ.
    8. Top 10 mug shots from 2010 of former Disney Channel stars. The only thing more funny than the video of Miley Cyrus hitting a bong would be if Mickey and Goofy were at the party, too. That would be the best of both worlds.
    9. Top 10 Country Music award shows. Is it just me or is there one on ABC every Sunday night?
    10. Top 10 favorite tweets you posted on Twitter in 2010. Could anything be more narcissistic than a list of 10 things you said in 140 characters or less?

    What about you? What are some top 10 lists you don’t want to see to end 2010?

  • 5 Ways to Make Soccer More Exciting for Television

    Photo by adem80 via Flickr (Creative Commons)

    Yada. Yada. Yada. There are those who think that soccer is an amazing game for watching on television. But for the other 95.7% of Americans I have five ideas for making it more palatable to the American market.

    1. Make goals worth 7 points. We get that. A game that ends in 1-0 seems pointless. But a game that is 7-0 seems like a defensive battle. But not nearly as good as a 42-35 throw down.
    2. Every time a team scores a goal, they lose a player. With fewer players on the better teams that gives the poorer teams the chance to score more often. That means that the more goals that are scored, the fewer players on the field, and more opportunities to score. Another alternative would be to substitute a small child for a player each time a team scores a goal. About 6 years old seems right.
    3. Add a little hill near the middle line and get rid of the offsides rule. Make the hill reasonable… but it’s important that there is a sightline issue so that a hidden forward can lay low enough to cherry pick for an easy shot on goal.
    4. If a game goes to overtime add an additional ball every five minutes. I don’t mind the idea of playing an extra period. I just don’t want to watch a bunch of tired guys pass it around and wait for a shootout. If it’s still tied inside of 5 minutes in overtime, both managers get to play too.
    5. Eliminate the red card and substitute in a penalty box. All of the weenie flopping is hard to stomach. If there’s a hard foul, give the offender a 5 minute timeout. Americans love the aggressiveness of hockey. But the acting on display at the World Cup reminded us of a soap opera.

    These are my ideas for making soccer more interesting.

    What are yours?

  • To Kill a Mockingbird

    Photo by TexasEagle via Flickr (Creative Commons)

    Our house has a mockingbird problem. I want to kill this mockingbird.

    Harper Lee may have already written this book. But let me tell you that a lobotomy will never do. It is not severe enough.

    The only acceptable punishment for being a mockingbird is death.

    See, the mockingbird who calls our yard home, is a party animal.

    This dude likes to start his singing at about midnight and rock that party until the break of dawn.

    And his party is loud. Like 100+ decibels loud. So loud it will wake you up from a dead slumber and keep you awake for hours, thinking of all the ways you could kill him.

    • A dart would be fun. Not a pretty one, either. Like a dart which a child played with in the 1950s and I would buy from a garage sale. Dull and rusty would do the trick.
    • Since our mockingbird hangs out at the top of the tree, I’ve actually plotted tossing our cat up there. She would certainly kill him. But would need a surprise attack. Like a catapult. Or trebuchet. I would take great pleasure in both the flinging of our cat gently onto his roost… and watching her kill this loud monster.
    • Like the Lorax, I have thought that I could rid myself of this problem by cutting down anything taller than 2 feet.
    • Craigslist. Surely, if I put an ad on Craigslist, someone will have a female making noise in their yard. Forget eHarmony, she’s a perfect fit.
    • I’m looking for a mockingbird recipe. Now I know why all of the recipes for Mockingbirds also involve the word “tequila.” If you have one in your backyard the only way to sleep is to drink oneself blind and pull your sombrero over your head.
    • Perhaps this is a business idea? I could buy an island. Then hire a band of bird wranglers, led by Jack Colton from Romancing the Stone, who would rid our nation of these noisy pests for a fee. We would release them on the island to sing and mate to their hearts content. I could probably even sell the idea to Animal Planet for a reality show. Mockingbird Island: From Pest to Profit.

    Moving is not an option. This bird would merely follow us. It’s there to mock us. We lay in bed at night searching our souls. We wonder, what have we done to deserve the mockingbirds presence?

    The bird, and its incessant intolerable noise, must die.

  • The Guilt Trip

    Perhaps I am the only sick mind who has wondered if I could get away with a speech like this when taking the offering? And maybe I’m just a little passive-aggressive when it comes to offerings?

    If the ushers could please come forward for the morning offering.

    The offering is a time when the people of the church give back to God a portion of what God has given to them.

    This is an act of worship whereby you measure what you say you believe against what you are actually willing to put behind those beliefs, financially.

    If you are new to our church… perhaps this is your first time… we don’t want to pressure you to give. We recognize that you’re probably already feeling guilty enough. It’s OK if you don’t participate in the offering. No, really… we mean it.

    But, if this is your first time and you’d like to give, perhaps out of some cosmic belief that if you give money to a church it will make up for something you’ve done. Our theology says that it doesn’t make a lick of difference to God… eh, who are we to judge? Go ahead and drop that check, cash, or sin-laden stock options in the offering plate as it passes by. We’re a charitable organization. Even if it’s for the wrong reasons we really need the money during these hard economic times.

    If you are a regular attender of the church, this is for you. (Eyeball the church treasurer- A wink for style points.)

    To those who are faithfully giving to God, you are awesome. I think you are awesome. The church treasurer thinks you are awesome. And we’re pretty sure God is smiling on your faithfulness. I’d like to give a shout out to Dave Ramsey and Suzi Orman. Teaching people how to budget… brilliant!

    If you are a regular attender of the church and are not giving regularly, what’s wrong with you? No seriously. Talk to someone and figure it out. You gave your mailman a Starbucks gift card for Christmas but not a thing to the church. Yeah, we saw that. It’s not cool.

    [Another quick glance and wink to the church treasurer]

    While Mary Johnson sings the Ray Boltz classic, “Thank You for Giving to the Lord” we’ve prepared a little slide show of cracks in our church walls and pictures of our staff’s children. Please note that Tiffany and Peter could really use some dental work. And that the pastor is driving a 1987 Buick LaSabre.

    Let’s pray.

  • Is it OK to talk about fasting?

    Is it OK to talk about fasting?

    A former student of mine posed a question on the Fast Tuesday groups discussion board that I thought was pretty interesting. I think there are differing opinions about Jesus’ instructions. She said, “Aren’t you supposed to fast in private?”

    (more…)

  • Statement of the Obvious Headlines

    I spend some time every day reading the latest stuff on adolescent research, teen marketing, etc. And sometimes stories pop-up and you think… did someone really think this was a revealing something that a everyone didn’t already know?

    Here are two recent examples:

    #1. Teen Brains Damaged by Heavy Marijuana Use — Didn’t this researcher ever watch a Cheech and Chong movie in high school?

    #2 Obesity Can Complicate Teen Pregnancy — Notice it doesn’t say “obesity WILL complicate teen pregnancy.” This is a statement of the obvious on a lot of levels. When was the last time a teen pregancy wasn’t complicated?

    The irony is that “real journalists” mock bloggers all the time on their network TV shows. Perhaps bloggers just expose the obvious… what is newsworthy is often just a catchy headline? And I love that “real journalists” are followed up on their networks by shows like TMZ, Extra, and Cheaters.

    News at 11.