The F Word, Part 2

Editorial note: This is part 2 of a guest post from a local San Diego friend. (Part 1) I don’t normally offer guest posts, but this point-of-view is important. Church and youth leaders need to hear from men in their congregations like him. While this post is anonymous, I invite you to dialog with him through me.


I grew up reading comic books; it was an escape from the horrible living environment I was stuck in. I had a brother, 9 years older than me, who made me his punching bag; an ex-alcoholic father who switched his addiction to rage, and my mom who had to take a lot of abuse from my dad.

I was attracted to comic books because it clearly spelled out who was good and evil; the good guys won most of the time and what I liked at the end of the day was that they could conceal their identity. Superman became Clark Kent. Batman deftly changed into the billionaire, Bruce Wayne. Green Lantern willed himself back to being Hal Jordan. And poor Spiderman usually stumbled back into his apartment, collapsing onto the bed as Peter Parker.

Their secret identity brought them peace; they protected their loved ones by having it. They managed two distinct and separate lives. It’s something that sounded so great.

But when you have a secret identity, it is more painful than a bruise on your chest or cigarette burn on your arm.

When I was about 14 I realized something; I was attracted to the guys in my high school, not the girls. The realization is a lot to take in, especially around the time that AIDS had surfaced; people were scared; protests were hitting the streets. The words “faggot” and “homo” were en vogue.

I knew I was in trouble.

I managed to keep in secret until about 18 when I told my high school counselor. He sympathized and explain that there were other people out there like me. Once I got to college, my life would change.

It did. My first week at college I became a Christian.

And I was still gay.

In the college Christian group I was a part of, there were great people, but a large majority of them used the words homo, queer, and faggot. I was in some deep trouble.

I had to hide the fact that I was gay. I mean, who could I tell? And the pressure to date was nearly insurmountable.

I managed coming out to some friends, but the loneliness, the isolation was great. No one got it.

That was about 20 years ago.

Since then I’ve tried counseling for 7 years; it was helpful to unpack a lot of the abuse I took, but I still wasn’t attracted to women.

I had a girlfriend in seminary for a year and a half. I thought I could change and make it work.

I didn’t. I broke her heart.

I have mastered the ability to blend in with straight people; they rarely suspect I’m gay. In the Christian world, being gay is right up there with child molester.

You have to understand; I have had friends I’ve never been able to tell. They make the occasional gay joke or if they see two men who are clearly together, they have some kind of snide remark. And I’m sitting across from them.

Now, just so we’re clear: I’m celibate. I’m not planning on having a relationship. You might be thinking, “Oh, good. You’re one of us.” Afraid not. And so we don’t get into a political quagmire that this blog isn’t designed to function for, I won’t get into the reasons why.

The purpose of me spilling this story, the most painful one I have, is to say this.

We sit amongst you.

We are people struggling with being gay, afraid of what their closest family and friends would say. We laugh at your homo jokes and then we go in the bathroom and look in the mirror and hate what we see. We take a deep breath and we go back inside.

We tolerate churches designed around married couples, married conferences, and marriage sermons.

Most of use can’t come out. We risk losing the friendships we have so we’d rather dine on surface relationships, instead of having none.

We long for someone to understand, to get it. And one reason I don’t play the lottery (besides Dave Ramsey’s advice) is that I’ve already won it. I have friends that I’d take a bullet for, who know my true story and love me. It’s not that they don’t love me regardless because I’m not doing anything. I’m not at gay bars or trolling the internet looking for someone. I’m not sinning in my sexual behavior.

I came out to a friend of mine and he looked down at the table, sullen and said, “Everything must be really difficult for you.” We sat there in silence for awhile and I thought, he gets it.

The church will hug the man that just cheated his wife for a year and shun the struggling gay guy who hasn’t had sex in 10 years. Guaranteed. Easy money.

And I’d burn every earthly possession I have, empty my bank accounts, quit my job, and terminate every relationship I have for a pill to change over—in a heartbeat—I’d walk away from that pyre buck-naked, unemployed, broke, but straight.

But unlike my heroes of my youth, my secret identity clings to me and I am forced to hide from what is called to be most loving, compassionate place on the planet—the church.

So here’s what I ask: be kind to us. We are looking for friends that listen and have compassion on us. We are not looking for you to understand us completely, we just want to go through our day not feeling like monsters. We run the risk of losing the people we value by coming out, but we must weigh that against being fake and pretending we are straight.

I also ask that we cut out the gay-bashing talk; I get that it’s funny with your friends and it cuts to the quick, but I guarantee you’ve said it in front of us and we twist inside and mourn inside.

Be kind to us; we are broken and we need no more reminders.

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75 responses to “The F Word, Part 2”

  1. Joel Mayward Avatar
    Joel Mayward

    This is a message that is so incredibly important to hear and absorb, yet so rarely gets shared for the very reasons given in the story: many Christian church cultures rarely allow the safety and grace needed for this level of honesty and vulnerability. Which is ironic, since the church should be the ultimate haven of grace.

    Adam, thank your friend for his courage.

    1. Amy Hunt Avatar

      The church is often the last place to find acceptance and the most likely place to find judgment. It’s sad. 

  2. Rachel Blom Avatar

    Thanks for lending your platform to get this story out Adam…There’s so much hurt and pain in these words that it breaks my heart. I wish it would be different, I wish churches would be the safe place to come out and share who you are and what you’re struggling with in honesty, I wish being gay was something that we could talk about in church without getting all judgmental…I wish, but I know it isn’t so. Thanks so much for sharing this, Adam’s friend. May God bless you and keep you close. 

  3. Chris Mikesell Avatar
    Chris Mikesell

    This just wrecked me inside. Thank you for changing my perspective as not only a pastor, but a Christian and future dad. Thank you for letting us in on your secret and the fact that a lot more people deal with this then we know. Please pray for me because as a youth pastor I want to talk about this topic. I wish I knew you so I could ask you more questions on how I can talk to my students about loving their friends that are gay even though they don’t agree with their lifestyles. 

    1. Adam McLane Avatar

      Feel free to leave questions. He’s keeping up with comments. 🙂 

    2. Staystrongsojourner.wordpress Avatar

      There is a book by Tim Timmerman called A Bigger World Yet.  It is by far the best read on how the church can respond well to the needs of someone who struggles with homosexuality.  You can buy it on Amazon.

  4. Robbie Mackenzie Avatar

    Thank you for this.  I must admit that I have said jokes in the past as well and now I am more cognizant of what I say and what I assume.  I am sure these words are like water in a desert for some people.  Thank you so much for these words and Adam for allowing a couple of guest posts. 

  5. ash Avatar

    Thank you for your courage and bravery – kindness matters. listening matters. LOVE matters.
    Words have the power, especially hateful slurs, to hurt more than we realize- and it angers me to have people use words so casually.

    I HATE this… In the Christian world, being gay is right up there with child molester.

    I am standing with you, because you are human and I love you. period. I believe in love & want everyone to be able to love who they choose to love.

  6. Patti Gibbons Avatar

    It’s not supposed to be like this. We — ALL CHRISTIANS — are redeemed for better than this broken mess. It makes me so incredibly sad that you, brother guest blogger, have to be anonymous with all but a few. I’m grateful for the few you can trust. I’m sorry for the many with whom you cannot be yourself. Thank you for encouraging me to grow and persevere in grace.

  7. Desirae Schneider Avatar

    Dear Adam and Guest Friend –
    Wow… I want to be honest with you that I cried through your post. Thank you for the having the courage to share such rawness, such openness. I’m sorry for the lonliness you feel, I’m sorry for the pain…  I would love hear your heart any day, you my friend are cherished and loved just for being you. Period. Final Answer.
    I cannot say enough how grateful I am for your courage and how broken I am for your pain… I know words can give very little, but I pray you find something good within them.
    Your friend,

  8. Slidegirl123 Avatar

    Thank you for posting this…it must have taken a ton of courage and strength, but I’m glad you did.  It’s heartbreaking, but a reality.  I have known a few men who adopted the straight lifestyle because it was only acceptable thing to do as a Christian.  They got married, had children…and years later it is all unraveling around each of them, this facade they are hiding behind.  And at this point it is messy and hurtful for their wives and children, not just them.  Church, let’s not let our brothers and sisters feel like they need to hide their true selves from us.  We are the hands and feet of CHRIST, who sees us and loves us JUST as we are. 

    Plato, the Greek philosopher said it best…”Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”.

    Guest Poster:  May you feel incredibly loved by God and other believers today!

  9.  Avatar

    What a heartrending and convicting story. Thanks for this post.

  10. Andrew Marin Avatar

    Amazing… Thanks for giving space for such an important message. Love you very much, and I’d love to meet your friend one day.

  11. Carl Avatar

    Adam-  thanks for sharing this.  And guest friend, thanks for being so honest.  For years, I’ve been trying to get my youth group to stop with the gay jokes, telling them that you never know who is and isn’t gay, not to mention the fact that it’s just wrong.  Come to find out, I was a prophet: one of my students who I mentored (I was even his guest speaker at his Eagle Scout ceremony) came out of the closet when in college.  I never suspected that he was gay. Now, sadly, he’s not even speaking to me and I don’t know why.  There are those of us who try very hard to understand, and I’ll keep on trying in my youth group to stop hateful language.  My only prayer is that ALL Christians would do the same.

  12. Karen Hammons Avatar

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. It has and will open the eyes of many. Your voice matters. It’s beautiful. And challenges all of us to grace and love better. My heart breaks for what you are going through. Standing with you and cheering you on. I believe in you. 

  13. Shieldmaiden1196 Avatar

    The way the church treats gay people is my biggest struggle right now. And I’m a straight person. But the way modern Christians seem to use their Christian identity to identify and exclude makes me feel excluded because I refuse to do it. Snide comments and hostility toward ‘them’ , whoever the ‘Them of the Day’ might be, is not loving. It is not kind. And it certainly isn’t Christlike.

  14. Margaret Avatar

    I really appreciate the courage it took to write this point of view.  I mourn for the society in which what you say is true. 

    How much uniqueness are we missing?  How much stronger could we become were we able to simply accept each person as they  are – as God created them.

    I am sorry for your pain.  I am sorry for being part of the organization which both accepts and perpetuates it.  I promise to act whenever possible to stop the persecution.  I tell you that I am your friend.  You have many friends.  You are loved.

    Finally, I tell you that you are NOT broken.  You may be broken down from the abuse you have suffered from the words of “loving” people but you, my friend, are beautiful and special.  Your willingness to share your story in an attempt to change the christian zeitgeist so others won’t suffer as you have demonstrates a strength of character beyond that which most people possess.   I can’t say thank you enough.

  15. Daniel Ensing Avatar
    Daniel Ensing

    Love you and standing with you. Your courage and transparency is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing.

  16. jacob Avatar

    Adam, I just want to reach out and confess that I have been that person many many times. Thanks for sharing this story. It compels me to repentance. I have practiced intolerance and hate but your story gives me hope that I can change and be a Godly man in every aspect of the word.

  17. Erin Patrick Avatar

    Here’s what I know:  God loves you.  Jesus died for you.  I love you.  Christians need to place value and preciousness on people and let God deal with who and what they are.  I’m glad that you have found friends who will let you be truthful with them.  I pray that you find peace and joy.

  18. Amy Hunt Avatar

    I am so humbled to learn the ways that I have from reading this post. Though I would never imagine using any of those words (and I don’t say that with pride), I still have a one-sided view of life as a straight, married woman. I’ve often had the thought of what if my (little) son were to be gay. And I believe God has challenged me with that thought ever since he was born, only seven years ago. Because, to accept a person regardless and love a person without conditions, that is a choice reserved for the ones who know we all have *a story*. And it’s true, we do. Every one of us has a story–some weakness or fault or addiction or whatever. None of us has been made perfect. And once we begin to See that way, our whole lives change. We can’t imagine what it is like to walk in another person’s shoes until we do it. And this post definitely humbles me to remember that. I wish I could give a hug to the writer. It is his worship to write the way he did–honestly, raw and in truth. 

    1. Amy Hunt Avatar

      …and, I am reminded that God allows these *stories* in people’s lives, for purpose!

  19.  Avatar

    Once again, your voice on important matters is awesome, Adam. Thank you for your leadership, and thank your friend for his example and courage. Glad to see an honest dialogue forming around a topic where the has practiced ignorance and judgment.

  20. Joy Avatar

    “…in the Christian world, being gay is right up there with child molester.” 

    Lord help us love the child molesters too and though some choices require boundaries and parameters, no one – no one – is outside the love of God. 

    Thank you guest – for helping the church grow… one conversation, one honest exchange at a time.

  21. Angela 'Mann' Blount Avatar

    I’m so grateful you had the courage to talk about your background and your struggles, while at the same time, not championing the desires you feel inclined toward. This NEEDS to be talked about openly in the church. Sin is sin, regardless of the shape it takes on or the possible point of origination–yet so often the church seems to behave as though practicing homosexuality is somehow ‘worse’ or more destructive than the rampant fornication that’s such a prevailing and rarely confronted part of popular culture. Thank you for being willing to forgive people’s ignorance of your own personal battle–for not confusing the undereducated opinions of people with the heart of God. Your story is one that’s desperately needed.

  22. Barbara Brandt Avatar

    I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Words can wound, shame, abuse and break us. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be called names like “fag” or hear your “church friends” call others those kind of names. But their inability to accept you in no way reflects the love of Christ toward you. He created you. He loves you – yesterday, today, forever.  He knows your pain of having to hide, of being ridiculed, of not being accepted and it grieves Him.  It grieves me too, as your sister-in-Christ, as a human being, and as a person in ministry. We need to be kind to everyone, all the time.  We need to be dispensers of grace for we all have fallen short – else why would Christ have to die for us?  I don’t know you, but I love you my brother and am proud of your courage.  Keep talking!  You are an inspiration and much needed voice for the church!

  23. HisOwn Avatar

    As you said….”We long for someone to understand, to get it”. Believe me, I get it, because I am you, almost word for word including the celibacy (for over 10 years now). I can’t even tell my best friend for fear of losing that relationship.
    To add to the “fear”, I’m a member of the worship team – probably the most important thing in my life right now is being part of that ministry, and I know that if I were to be honest (of course, including the celibacy), I would be asked immediately to leave the worship team.
    Thanks so much for sharing, there’s always that measure of comfort (albeit small, but nonetheless) in knowing that you’re not alone. It is through God’s love that I make it week by week, sometimes day by day.
    In your words….we sit amongst you….trust me when I say that you do not sit alone.
    Lord bless and keep you.

    1. Barbara Brandt Avatar

      Oh my gosh! I am a worship director of a worship team for a fairly “conservative” (but grace-filled) Bible Church but I would certainly not ask you to leave my worship team.  If someone has a longtime issue with a re-occurring sin that they refused to acknowledge or get help for, and especially if it is effecting the rest of the team, that’s different. I used to (and sometimes still) struggle terribly with the sins of jealousy and envy — thank God He still loves me and uses me and helped me with that. It was a process but He still used me during the process.  God bless you and you are a blessing to your worship team.

  24. Mrwood1283 Avatar

    Adam… I understand where your coming from. I dont have a ton to say other than…know that you are loved. Don’t let what others say bring you down

  25. Emilymarschner Avatar

    Like others, I’m so, so grateful to have read this.  Thank you for your honesty.  This just made me so sad inside…partly because of the difficulty that you, our anonymous friend has gone through, but also knowing that there must be many other people out there who have similar struggles.  Thank you for your gracious instruction.  I hope it won’t be long before you can write this with your name attached to it. 🙂 

  26. Adam McLane Avatar
    Adam McLane

    Got questions for my guest post writer? Part 3 will respond to comments.

  27. Guest Avatar

        Sin is sin.  It all condemns us.  I am glad that God has granted you repentance.  Your penitent heart shows that you really do hate your sin.  I hate my pride.  I hate my violent reactions.  There is proper anguish over sin and there is abusive anguish from the enemy.  You can’t give up on fighting the sin in your life.  None of us can.  Remember to rest in God’s grace though.
         You are correct when you say the adulterer gets a pass and you don’t.  It is a hypocrisy.  It can’t be defended.  Please be encouraged.  We all have some nagging sin that just wont be mortified.  When we consider what we were before and what we deserve in light of the pure righteousness of God we can be glad.  Before we were saved we deserved Hell and every sickness or injury that could be heaped upon us.  The Bible calls us children of wrath.  Once we are saved we become adopted and Faith in Jesus and His grace now defines us not sin.  You are not a “faggot.”  You are a child of God.  You are not a sinner anymore.  You are saved.  Your love for Jesus because of His work on the cross motivates you to not do the things or think the things you once did.  You have new affections.  The problem is like what Paul says in Romans.  For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.  Then there is also 1 Corinthians to consider Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.  I will remember what you said, and try to be more loving in my tone and words without watering down the gospel or the sinfulness of sin.

  28. marilyn Avatar

    It is society’s and (some) churches treatment of you that is broken,not you! So sorry. Keep being brave and find a loving partner, if that is your wish. Know that there are many straight allies out there ready to fight with our churches and our governments on your behalf.

  29. GraceStevenson Avatar

    This is a wonderful message. I think the hardest thing in our society is to realize that none of us are without sin. We all have struggles and problems. If we could just realize that all of us are nothing without Jesus! Thank you for sharing.

  30. Eileen Avatar

    This was such a powerful post.  Love how you said this…”But when you have a secret identity, it is more painful than a bruise on your chest or cigarette burn on your arm.”  Living/pretending to be someone you are not is like dying a slow death. Thank you for sharing your story, I pray it helps to encourage many many people who are struggling.

  31.  Avatar

    Thank you for highlighting this important message.  It’s challenging and difficult discussions like this we have to have in order to grow in grace.  His grace is sufficient for us. Unfortunately, sometimes our grace is not sufficient for others.  Special thanks to your friend for his courage in sharing this.

  32. Kevin Brangwynne Avatar
    Kevin Brangwynne

    Even more thought provoking than part I! Although I’ve not used the words “faggot” or “homo” for many years, after reading this, I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for anytime I’ve ever used, or tolerated the use of, those words or that brand of humor. Fact is, the more I hear stories like yours, and actually engage with people who have been on the receiving end of those words or “jokes”, the more disgusting I find them. So thanks for having the guts to share your pain. I’ll try to have as much courage any time I’m confronted by the source of it.

  33. cherylsmith Avatar

    courageous. convicting. wow. just wow. 

  34. Jeffrey Dick Avatar
    Jeffrey Dick

    Adam, like many, I appreciate you giving your space to this story.   Great to hear the affirmation for your friend from so many.   It is certainly something that we as Christians need to address and own.

    One question for your friend, why not find a church that would welcome him?  There are many churches that have welcomed openly gay and lesbian people for years.   True, they are more mainline, but those churches are out there.

    It is wonderful to a part of a church and denomination where all are welcomed.   It is powerful to be a part of a church family where men can hug.   

    I hope your friend can find a church home that welcomes him for who he is, a beautiful child of God.

    As always – thanks for keeping us talking and thinking. 

    1. Mdmartin Avatar

      Some churches are accepting in that you can attend but you can not serve in most of the church positions. If you “get cured” you can then be an active member. Few churches allow open actively homosexual even those in commited long term relationships to be open and participating members. The change is slowly coming for which I am grateful but I have known of homosexuals who are hurt unknowingly in some of those churches. Being gay is not something outside if who you are It is major part of who you are. When someone says. Love the sinner. Hate the sin. That really does not work for me. I hope this makes sense to someone out there. I did not chose to be gay. But I am. Celibate or not my feelings are the same. It is who I am.

  35. Greg Avatar

    WOW!! Pegged the church and most that sit in the pews!! I’m hurting with you, I work with students that deal with sexual orientation and I hear all the time from pastors, “if they really know Jesus they would change!” Remember those pastors ar sinners too!! Keep in mind those statements are made out of shear ignorance, but still they hurt. Thanks Adam for allowing your friend to write this post. I want to say dude I love you and am standing with you and for you.
    Praying for you and for the ignorance of others.

  36. Carla Tanguay Avatar

    Wow! Thank you for sharing Adam on behalf of ‘Anonymous’. This makes my heart hurt, and I have long been ashamed at how misguided and cruel the Church can be in such matters. I am not gay, I’m attracted to guys, I am NOT, however, attracted to guys who make gay jokes (I am so blessed to have an amazing father and two of the coolest brothers who don’t make such jokes; just part of the evidence they are real/secure men). Thank you again for sharing. 

  37. Staystrongsojourner.wordpress Avatar

    As one who also struggles with this issue, I really appreciate this post, the platform you have provided, and sharing the message that the church NEEDS to hear.  While we are a small minority in the church, it is clear from the church’s reputation in this country, that love is not the first thought that comes to mind for most people, particularly on the issue of homosexuality.  In terms of a question to ponder on your next post, do you believe that the church could ever truly be a community where someone who struggles with homosexuality can feel the love needed?  Or are those who struggle with homosexuality forced into an isolated and lonely existence, trying to fight off their unwanted desires, and never being able to truly experience a tangible love and acceptance with other humans?

  38. […] Great Post I Stumbled On […]

  39. Adam McLane Avatar

    I got an amazing amount of private email, Facebook messages, and other private contacts about this post. Here’s a comment from a friend and church elder.

    “- Some people in comments seemed to affirm an openly gay lifestyle. This is contrary to what the poster’s opinion is. I take it that your friend knows that homosexuality is sin, just like any other sin. HE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OF US. The difference is he is battling a sin that is verboten in the church. And that’s bad news coming from the church that is supposed to spread the good news. 
    — reason for my caps is that I want to emphasize he should be treated the same as any one of us. There are myriad programs for people battling various “acceptable” sins (Celebrate Recovery comes to mind). There should be similar program for believers battling the sin of homosexuality. The more we talk about the sin of homosexuality as being on par with the sin of pornography, adultery, lust, (For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God – Romans 3:23) then I think we are winning the battle. 

    Thanks for allowing your friend to post. Getting a conversation going on this is really huge.”

  40. Carla Tanguay Avatar

    Wow! Thank you for sharing Adam on behalf of ‘Anonymous’. This makes my heart hurt, and I have long been ashamed at how misguided and cruel the Church can be in such matters. I am not gay, I’m attracted to guys, I am NOT, however, attracted to guys who make gay jokes (I am so blessed to have an amazing father and two of the coolest brothers who don’t make such jokes; just part of the evidence they are real/secure men). Thank you again for sharing.

  41. Nick Hammes Avatar

    Even if your experience doesn’t reflect it, there are a lot of us who are straight, and supportive of the gay community; because there’s nothing better or worse about being straight, or gay, nor is there anything wrong with being celibate, nor with being in a loving, committed, relationship. It sounds like you’ve had a hard life, and I hope that society comes around to a point where it’s no more acceptable to be bigoted towards gays than towards jews, and everyone can be honest about who they are inside, without fear of retribution from bigots. I hope that someday you don’t have to be afraid of what your family and friends would think if they knew you were gay; and that they knew, and were fully accepting of it. 

  42. Jr Avatar

    I’m sorry you live through this. Im sorry this hurts so much. Im sorry the church sucks at loving the way it should. Thank you for sharing and teaching us to be more like Christ.

    1. Adam McLane Avatar

      JR- just to clarify, I’m a straight dude. My anonymous guest post writer buddy is gay. 🙂 

  43. […] and a half. I thought I could change and make it work.I didn’t. I broke her heart.READ THE REST: The F Word, Part 2.Tagged as: adam mclane{ 2 comments… read them below or add one } Charles January 13, 2012 at […]

  44. Shae McQuoid Avatar

    I shared this on facebook (will on twitter as well) because it is an important message that others need to hear.  Your courage at putting your feelings out there is amazing.  I wish you many blessings in your walk and really hope that in time you can be who you are openly without fear of reprisal.

  45. Childofmana Avatar

    Brother, I hope you find a Christianity who will love you for who you are, when you can know longer see the expression of your love as a sin but a gratuitous gift from God, to be in a body, to be in love and have somebody to love, as part of God’s dream for you and for our world. 

    We are out here, keep looking. 

  46. Shaun Avatar

    I’m sorry, but being gay isn’t a sin.  Sexuality is driven by biological impulses, whether or not we allow ourselves to view that behavior as normal. As a woman, I don’t choose to be attracted to men…I just am.  Let’s not forget that not too long ago, white slaveholders beat their slaves to a pulp quoting gospel as their justification.  Women were burned at the stake using some warped interpretation of scripture as a litmus test.  For centuries, men subjugated women (and some still do) using scripture as their justification.  When will the “church” wake up and realize, sexuality is not a choice…cheating on your spouse…that’s a choice.  Judging other people…that’s a choice.  Gluttony and living in excess…that’s a choice.  Turning a blind eye to the suffering of others…that’s a choice. What sex you are attracted to, not a choice.  This is common sense. Denying your sexuality is the most destructive thing you can do and to let others make you feel less for it is a huge mistake.  It’s not some test from God to see if you can refrain from sinful behavior.  It is how you were made, and you shouldn’t have to apologize for that.  It certainly doesn’t make you more or less worthy of love.

    You don’t choose to be gay or bisexual or heterosexual anymore than you choose to be born with a heart or lungs.   Most gay people I know, said they knew from a very early age, more evidence that it is in the biology as much as in the psychology.  But even if it isn’t just in the biology, even if there are social and psychological factors…sexual attraction is not something you have control over.  Your story is proof.  Don’t try to be something you’re not.  Be the best you that you can be and don’t look for the approval of others.  We tend to criticize what we don’t understand.  Don’t let the ignorance of others cause you pain and suffering and remember Christians have a long history of persecuting/judging groups based on some misguided interpretation of their own beliefs. (Inter-racial, inter-faith relationships, a sin??? I can bet years ago there were lots of jokes being told)  The Jesus I’ve read about would have embraced everyone, treating them with compassion and love.  Let’s not forget, he probably would have been discriminated at by the church.

  47. Barbara Avatar

    I attend a Catholic Christian church that is gay affirming. I am heartbroken by this story: I am sad to think that there are people like yourself who have to hide who they are for fear of losing their place in church, a place where, more than any other, you should experience true loving acceptance.  I am saddened that Christian communities, would prefer to follow the letter of the law, rather than their own hearts. We are all redeemed by the blood of Christ: refusing to believe that redemption includes Gay people invalidates God’s gift to us all. It’s not about ‘loving the sinner but hating the sin.’ It’s about being loving and affirming of everyone and their unique gifts.  I had a pastor who once said in a homily “On the seventh day, God looked down on his creation and said ‘it is good.’ Since we are all children of God, Who are we to call that into question.”
    Thank you for your courage, know that you are loved unconditionally. I pray that you will know the peace of Christ.

  48. Barbara Avatar

    What great courage it took for you to write this post. This is a message all Christians need to hear. Christianity is supposed to be about love and understanding but too often it looks like judgment. I once had a gay Christian friend who worked for me as a counselor. We would meet for coffee occasionally just to talk. He struggled with many issues in his life and he felt comfortable talking to me about some of them. I haven’t seen him in a couple of years but I often think about him and wonder how he is doing. I would pray that your words would touch the hearts of the Christians who read this. I would also pray that you find more Christian friends who can truly be a friend to you and allow you to be “real” with them. Barbara

  49. Andrew Avatar

    Thank you for sharing this.  Several commentors have remarked on being in a similar position: I’ll add a “me too” to that.  There must be thousands, if not millions, of Christians in the same position.

    On the kind-of theological debate from some of the commentors:  if you regard any sex outside of heterosexual marriage as sinful, then of itself a homosexual orientation is not in itself a sin – it’s a temptation.  Temptation becomes sin when we act on it.  

    [As for me, I’m far less sure that the bible’s teaching is nearly so unequivocal as all that. But that’s a topic for a different discussion.]

  50. Cheska Faith Avatar

    I love your transparency here. Your story, your life, and your heart matters. Thank you for sharing this and I pray it will soften a few hearts, so grace might abound among us sinners. Christ says, “Love one another…” Be blessed, Adam!

  51. Lynds Avatar

    Although there are many sad words throughout your story, the part that hit me the hardest was the idea that you would give everything just to be straight.  For many homosexual people, it takes years, decades even to realize that he or she deserves the happiness of a straight person. 

    I hope that you can find peace in who you are and never wish to change that person. From this post alone, you are an amazing person to be able to reach out and say what most are too afraid to say.  Although many of us do not know you, we are behind you and support you.  Hopefully with the help of these responses you will be lifted to a place that makes you happy and your secret identity will no longer be secret. 

  52. Guest Avatar

    This might sting.”It did. My first week at college I became a Christian.And I was still gay.””We sit amongst you.”If you have not turned away from your sins and lived the new life in Christ Jesus, if you still support the old ways, if you still harbor old sin and have not turned from or repented, then all you did was have a bath in water with people watching but nothing happened.  If you don’t believe that God Jesus and the Holy Spirit came into your life and renewed your, erased your past, then your no Christian.  If you not a Christian, then you are outside the Church, Christs body of believers, because you do not believe you were saved and have not made the commitment to lead the new life that comes with believeing.  You are simply just going to a building.  One can go to a building but it is the commitment to follow God’s ways that make them members of the Lord’s church.  You can sit amongst us all you like and come to never actually be with us.  If you want compassion and grace, you must make the first move towards it and its not the church that gives it…its God’s and your decision to follow Him   

    1. Adam McLane Avatar

      Guest- The message you mentioned is a “Jesus, plus ____” gospel. I’d challenge you to go back and re-read my friends words. And before you toss that stone you might want to examine your heart first. 

      You’re welcome to comment and add to the discussion. I invite you to continue dialoging and learning.

      1. Guest Avatar

        Ok..i re-read you friends words.  I’m not throwing any stones at him but if he wants to be a “Christian” then let him walk the walk and talk the talk…otherwise he is not a “Christian” as stated very vividly in the Bible.  I dont know what you are meaning to say “Jesus, plus___” but if you would elaborate that would be great so I can comment on that too.

        1. Adam McLane Avatar

          And where are these “very vividly” passages that make not being gay a prerequisite to giving your life to Jesus? 

          1. Guest Avatar

            prerequisite?  i think you misunderstood me.  When you give your life over to Christ, you become a new creation, the old is gone, erased, and we live a new life not bound by the sins of the past.  Is it part of our history, sure, but do we continue to wallow in the muck, by no means.  For him to say he is Christian, he is stating that he was baptized for his previous sins.  However, if he wants to continue to wallow in the muck, how can he say he is a Christian.  I dont have to examine my heart, but just examine the scriptures, and you will find what I say is true.  How can he claim to be Christian when he has not given up the past?  You cant live in both worlds.

          2. Guest Avatar

            Those who give in to their homosexual desires are harming themselves.  Just like those who give in to temptations to lie or steal, a person who gives into temptation to sin sexually are living in opposition to God.  This sin is a barrier to his fellowship with God and Christians.

          3. Six Avatar

             You did not read the post. You saw an opportunity to throw some filth at “one o’ them homoseckshuls” and judge another human being and YOU TOOK IT. Shame on you. The writer is not acting on his desires. The writer is celibate. He is far more of a Christian than you will ever be. There is none of Christ’s love in you.

  53.  Avatar

    The main reason some Christians still have problems with homosexuality is because they don’t do responsible biblical exegesis with the biblical passages that they have been taught speak against homosexuality.  Instead of “drawing out” from the biblical text what it originally meant to the author and to the original intended audience, they instead do what some theologians refer to as “frontloading”, i.e., they read their own personal, political and/or ideological beliefs back into the Bible.  This process of reading one’s own ideas into interpretation of the Bible is alled “eisegesis”.   Exegesis and eisegesis are completely conflicting approaches to interpreting the Bible.  The former is about reading out from the Bible what the original writers were saying.  The latter is about reading one’s own ideas and prejudices back into the Bible.

    As Dr. Carl Trueman, Professor of Historical Theology and Church History at Westminster Theological Seminary, where I graduated, candidly stated on his blog: “For people like myself, now in middle age, dislike of homosexuality came with the territory; our reasons for opposing it were more to do with our own cultural backgrounds than with any biblical argumentation.”

    It rarely occurs to any of us that our reading of Scripture is profoundly colored by our own cultural context and worldview.  That’s why I created the blog below (see link). 

    -Alex Haiken

  54. […] up showing it at the end due to time constraints). I also referenced parts of this blog post, The F Word (part two of three), a provocative and powerful letter written by an anonymous gay man to the church. A big part of […]

  55.  Avatar

    Hello, I see you buddies have much to talk about, and I’m glad to know that you are fighting for what you want, and fight for respect.
    apparently always the the topic of homosexuality and religion, something that will never go, because for religion, has always been a sin the homosexuality, and is something that we never know until proven otherwise.
    I collaborate at ONE LESS NOT ONE MORE

    at first you’ll think  this is another dumb blog frustrated from homosexuals who claim to be cured of their gay instincts  by attending a Christian church, and I do not debate that because it’s what the “exgays” have won, the derision from everyone, so until now, I do not understand the release to be an “exgay”, but I do not came here to start talking of others.
    The truth is that homosexuality has always existed and will always exist until proven otherwise, has always believed and lived that a man who is sexually attracted to the same sex, will live as a homosexual, there is something more than that, rather than having sex, having parties, meeting people with the same intentions, delight to watch pornography or erotica, I’ve always said that the brain is completely lost with so much mess, and you lose the pattern of masculinity.
    But let me tell you something,  life is fleeting, and everyone here has a purpose in this life, even things that seem so insignificant, they do, the trees their main function is to produce oxygen, the air we breathe, even animals, make their owners happy, dogs, cats, etc., and better yet we, human beings,  as gay or lesbian is? But it is true, always knowing that someone is gay or lesbian will humiliate them and discriminate them, but I will say not just the fact delight the eye, or thought, eagerness to that, and be content, look for the true purpose of life, and do not seek support or acceptance.
    I’m not meaning to convince you to repent, everything happens when it should happen.
    I hope to be friends and please don’t ban the message as someone did on another blog, I did not know what did I wrote wrong, we would like you visit our blog, no commitment to anything.

    If you want to know what is our blog ABOUT, click HERE“Because the changes are important in our lives, are the result of who we are or who will be.”

  56. CQAussie Avatar

    You’re not broken.  You’re saved.  I’m sorry for your pain.  A pain that I can’t even begin to understand or imagine.  You believe in Christ and you are saved because of it, that’s the Gospel.  You’re celibate, you’re single and you’re working hard to not give in to sexual immorality in thought or deed.  I don’t know many heterosexual Christians who can say even that.  I don’t know how to reconcile the Bible’s teachings on homosexual sex but I do know that you’re not any more broken than any other sinner, including myself.  We’re both saved and we’re both healed.  Peace to you, friend.  May God pour out peace and grace on you and may He protect you in all circumstances.

  57. Jim Avatar

    The guy writing this column might try some self respect. Then he might try some integrity and dignity. Why in the world would any self-respecting gay person remain in a church surrounded by fake and phony Christians who gay-bash and slander gays as faggots? What kind of useless wimp would meekly endure this abuse year after year? Obviously such people have no self-respect–their religion has squeezed it out of them and left them empty husks. Time for this guy and his ilk to realize that on Sunday morning they’re wallowing in a toxic waste dump along with a congregation of mutants and freaks. Save yourselves: don’t walk out the front door–run out of the front door and don’t look back. Find the courage to be yourself. Stop being gutless. And quit feeling guilty about who you are and how you feel. You aren’t broken. You aren’t even scratched. You work just fine. Stop hanging around scum who think otherwise. They don’t count; nothing about them matters. You matter; your life as a gay person is valuable. Start acting like it. Shape up, fly right!

  58. […] F Word (part 1) (part 2) (part […]

  59. […] The F Word, Part Two An impactful testimony of a gay Christian man who chooses to remain celibate. […]

  60. k8 Avatar

    Thank you for sharing annon 🙂 You’ve made my day. I used to be of those people that used to judge gay people harshly. God has turned my heart around (and helped me to see the plank). Now, I am blessed by beautiful gay friends who love the Lord immensely. I learn so much from them about being steadfast, brave and counter cultural. God bless you brother all the way from Australia

  61. Steve Austin Avatar

    I just read this post all over again for the second time in like 3 years. It’s still just as powerful and true. Thanks again for sharing such deep, needed truth and grace.

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